Would you feel the same?

valos_mummy

I can sum my advice up in 5 words:

Run like the f*cking wind!


I had one like this. Drank a lot, tried to get it off with other women, acted like a d*ck when drunk. Everybody knew he was a douche but me. I remember having an almighty row with him at a festival once (he got drunk and squeezed a bottle of shower gel over my head for a laugh). During the night I overhead my best friend saying "she could have anyone she wanted, why is she with him?" And still I didn't do anything.

I was worried. We were engaged (thankfully nothing was ever booked wedding wise), and had a mortgage together. I thought that this was it, and I'd made my bed etc etc.

He eventually started drinking in the house, a lot, and being verbally abusive. My mates walked me home once after a night out (he'd sulked off without telling anyone - another gem there) and he was in bed calling me allsorts. I started setting up the sofa to sleep on and my mates asked me what the hell I was doing. I just took this situation as the norm and not worth the effort in sorting out. They gave me a good talking to, and made me realise "no, it isn't normal".

Like you, I didn't want to go anywhere near him, and I didn't in the six months leading up to me finally kicking his butt out. Oh, THEN he was sorry. THEN he started wailing on the floor and when that didn't work, the cat litter tray went flying :rotfl:At that point I called my mate and she sent her boyfriend over, he soon scarpered.

It was a nightmare, he wouldn't help me top up the mortgage while we rented out the house (we split right at the start of the recession!) so we went into arrears. There were times when I was exhausted with it all, throwing my money into a black hole, screaming down the phone for him to man up. But eventually it got sorted out, and I met the absolute love of my life, who I WILL be marrying next year, and who would never EVER treat me like my ex did.

The only mistake I ever made was not getting away sooner. The warning signs were all there, and I chose to ignore them. He stole the best years of my 20s and the only good thing that came of it was my cat. Please, please don't do the same. Don't settle for a knobend, you can do so much better x

edit - oh yeah, and it was NEVER his fault. Never ever. I was ignoring him, I was the nagging harpy from hell, I was no fun. He'd stick his head in the sand and refuse to come up until I'd change the subject.

Chakani

OP I had a relationship that sounded very much like yours when I was in my early twenties. He was lovely to me some of the time, but he kept trying to be younger than he was, acting like an eighteen year old, drinking silly amounts, and refusing to take responsibility for anything. He did such stupid things when he was drunk, and numerous times he would have to be put to bed, or would be harassing someone else's girlfriend, or being a jealous prat because I dared have a conversation with another man.

Fast forward ten years, and he is now a miserable alcoholic, his friends have moved on with their lives, he is lonely, but won't or can't change what he is doing. He is still trying to be eighteen, but he's now in his mid forties and it doesn't work any more.

On the other hand, I moved on, and found a lovely man, who can take responsibility for his own behaviour, and who wouldn't dream of drunkenly snogging some other woman, or of mistrusting me if I talk to another man. We have two beautiful children (and a cute puppy ), and if we go out, we have fun, no matter if we are alone or with other people.

You deserve better than what this idiot is prepared to give you, no matter how much he says he loves you. Moving on is hard, but there are so many better ways of living out there.

thegirlintheattic

Get rid of him! It sounds like you both have problems with alcohol (you seem to think cheating and punching people are normal drunken beahviours).

Kick him out, change the locks. He'll look after himself.

Itsadogslife_2

Didn't want to read and run and you have had lots of lovely advice from lots of people.

But just wanted to say you don't deserve to live like this. Don't ever settle for something if it doesn't feel right - you are a long time dead and you only live once and all that jazz

anibell

OP - Sounds to me that you had already made up your mind when you were looking at your finances. Your bf is using emotional blackmail to get into your good books and try and get you to back down.....thank goodness you can see through this.

I met my now husband nearly 2 years ago after years of being single (after a few horrible relationships). I knew what I did and didn't want and ended up with a wonderful man. Being single for a while (or forever) will be great for you. You seem to know what you want in life and you don't want anyone dragging you down.

Am sending hugs and I wish you all the best.

marisco_2

coinxoperated wrote: »

I let it go, put it down to booze, and told myself it was a drunken mess.

Again, let it go, down to drink, we talked about it, problem over.

He got too drunk, that's all.

Am I over reacting, is this the norm for relationships now?

The problem isn't over though is it. It keeps happening and will do so time and time again. You live with Peter Pan hun, a person who has chosen to never grow up. Why would he when he can be with someone who tolerates his childish carry on and gives him a roof over his head. A home that he shows no respect for or helps to maintain in any way. You have no doubt worked bl00dy hard for your home, I think you would like it to be a happy, comfy enviroment in which to conduct a stimulating, fulfilling adult relationship. It is never going to be like this with your current boyfriend.

I am truly shocked at the question you ask above. What exactly do you see in this person you are with? I cant refer to him as a man. He treats you with no respect at all and is rude to your friends and acquaintances. In time this will lead you to be isolated more and more. People will be to embarassed to be seen out and about with you if he tags along too. Worrying about what he may say or do to ruin the evening next. He is foul mouthed, aggressive, domineering and appears to have no control whatsoever. Even over his bodilly functions, ewwwwww.

If a man peed in my bed I would kick his @rse from here to timbuktoo and back. Not worry about offending him and put it down to 'he got drunk, after all'. As quoted above you use that phrase to excuse his disgusting behaviour far too often.

The way you describe your relationship as being, is most definately not 'the norm'. I wonder what experiences you have gone through to even consider that this type of relationship is normal or healthy. I would drop someone like this like a stone. We wouldn't get past a first date let alone end up living together. You do deserve and can do so much better than this hun. I just hope you value yourself enough to acknowledge this and do something about it sharpish. Good luck.

Hanging_by_a_thread

There are things you describe going on in your relationship that suggest elements of abuse to me. What is very worrying is that you make so many excuses for him and question if you are responsible for how your boyfriend is behaving. He is a 30 year old man not a child.

I find it very sad that you could even think that this relationship is in any way normal. I see no happy future for you two. I hope that you would want far more than this set up for yourself.

God forbid you fell pregnant by this guy. Who would you change first if they threw up or soiled themself, a baby or your boyfriend? Wake up to what an idiot you are living with and finish it for your own sake is my advice. He is a waster and will just bring you down and make your life a misery.

coinxoperated

Once again, thanks all.

Just to clarify I do not have a drinking problem and I actually very rarely drink. My father was/is an alchoholic so I've never been that into it. The bf did drink a hell of a lot at the beginning of our relationship which I said I couldn't handle as he changed so much.

He really doesn't drink unless we go out now and sometimes he's pretty good with it, although I'm not really into drinking at all.

I get the feeling you all think we're raging alcoholics but were really not. He's just an a$$ when he has any significant amount of booze.

I do agree he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities.

And I'm also not making any excuses for him, what he's done and the way he behaved was disgusting and I'm making this very clear.

balletshoes

coinxoperated wrote: »

I get the feeling you all think we're raging alcoholics but were really not. He's just an a$$ when he has any significant amount of booze.

I do agree he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities.

And I'm also not making any excuses for him, what he's done and the way he behaved was disgusting and I'm making this very clear.

who are you making this clear to? because you can talk his ear off, but your bf keeps repeating his a**hole behaviour so he doesn't give a monkeys how disgusted you tell him it all is.

I don't think you have a problem with alcohol at all, but if your bf can't handle certain drinks, he should be adult enough to know that and sort himself out. He isn't. That leaves you feeling disgusted with him, repulsed by him etc. And still he has no desire to change. That should tell you a fair bit about how important your feelings are to him.

Saturnalia

You say he's only an !!!!! when he's had a lot to drink, but he still keeps going out and getting plastered to the point of !!!!!ness. Why doesn't he stop drinking or cut down if it's only the drink making him behave like this? If he doesn't have a problem, he could stop any time he wanted to.

So he either has a problem with booze or he knows what he's doing and thinks it's okay.