watching a friend die

mrcow

How much money are we talking about here? Perhaps it was used. Or perhaps he told a relative and didn't like the idea of the money being there?

Difficult one on whether to ask him, but if you don't , you'll never know.

worried_jim

No more than £50- but I placed it somewhere were it couldn't be found so he didn't have to take it all hospital. He always has about £200 at home to pay for the shopping but does everything else online.
I am sure that it has been taken for legitimate reasons- it's that he didn't tell me that it had been used and the item that I had hidden it it had been moved to a different part of the house and hidden.

Yorkie1

worried_jim wrote: »

No more than £50- but I placed it somewhere were it couldn't be found so he didn't have to take it all hospital. He always has about £200 at home to pay for the shopping but does everything else online.
I am sure that it has been taken for legitimate reasons- it's that he didn't tell me that it had been used and the item that I had hidden it it had been moved to a different part of the house and hidden.

Surely if the money had been taken / used legitimately, the container would just have been left there? Why on earth would the container be moved and hidden?

Are you absolutely sure that the money has legitimately gone, or are you just wanting to give people the benefit of a realistic doubt?

meritaten

what are you going to do Jim? are you going to buy the items requested out of your own pocket and say nothing? you wont be doing your friend any favours if you do. as they obviously have a key and can enter the house at any time.
You must tell him I think - give him the chance to remember if he made a mistake and its genuine or to ask this person for the key back and ask you to make sure the house is secure and his valuables safe.

(not to mention that it seems you have access too - and could easily be accused if any thefts later come to light) time to Cover Your !!! mate!

worried_jim

It will have been family members, daughter/son. I will buy the things that he needs, it's not a problem, I certainly will not tell him about it.

I have no fear of being accused of anything, I have helped him with banking and money for years and I have often got money out of his account with his card and pin from the cash point as he unable to get out, I have had his full trust and if any family member told him I had taken it he would simply tell them that he trusts me 100% and that I wouldn't do that- and he is right.

I am 99% sure it is all ok- it's just that the book where we kept his money for safe keeping (used to be in his bedside draw but a wayward grandson came to visit last year and robbed him, so he kept all his cash on him, when the ambulance came I suggested it was stashed in his bible rather than take £100 to hospital). The Bible had been moved from the bookcase and put in a cupboard.

undaunted

worried_jim wrote: »

Thank you for everyone's further comments and thoughts.

I think the family (certainly his wife, they are not divorced) didn't realise how much I was doing, in the end I realised it was too much and just after the Jubilee I contacted his daughter to make her aware of the situation, this is when they first mentioned the "centre of attention" and "hypochondria" as I was getting concerned as this is when he first started talking about wanting to die- he had never done this before and now he was telling everyone.

I know that he has put his affairs in order and has recently made some amendments to his will as he was always cutting out family members and then adding them again if they had done something worthwhile- at this point he told me that he had put myself and two other neighbours into it as well, which made me feel very uncomfortable to learn this- it was an awkward moment.

This is the point when they learn't how much myself and two other neigbours had done- I think the family were shocked, I certainly don't feel that there is any issue with me, it has all been directed in anger at him for taking advantage (not that I see it this way).

I have decided that when I go back to the hospital over the weekend that I won't take another get well card but a thank you card and I will write a message of how I have enjoyed our friendship and all the advice and help that he has offered me over the years and how I have valued all the Sunday afternoons listening to his stories and classical music collection.

I don't know whether he's ever had hypochondria but it sounds like he's preparing to die now (even if not deliberately / immediately he's 84 & will be fully aware that he wont live for ever I suspect).

It's never easy to see a loved one or close friend die even if he is 84 and "has had a good innings" but sadly its something we must all endure in the end. It sounds to me like you've done more than "your duty" for this friend and I'm sure he appreciates it (you need not be embarrassed about the will - it's his way of showing that appreciation and it's his money to do as he please with)

I thought your final paragraph a lovely idea and one I'm sure he will enjoy with you.

I only wish that every 84 year old had neighbours like you.

worried_jim

Just returned from another visit and it was nice to see him not in bed but sitting in a chair for the first time in 5 weeks.
Although he hasn't put any more weight on he does look and sound a little better. The medical team still haven't diagnosed anything and he has an MRI scan booked in the next few days (won't use the one in the hospital where he is as he doesn't want to be enclosed, so has to be transferred to another hospital with a different style of open machine) but I don't think this will point to anything being wrong.
I haven't told him about the missing money as I have decided that it is none of my business to get involved.
I still don't think that he will ever come home but at best have to move to a nursing home- which will be a relief for all us neighbours.

worried_jim

Had another visit yesterday and no more progress has ben made although he has discussed with his family what care is available when or if he comes out of hospital. I don't think he should go home as he lives on the first floor with no lift and can longer manage the stairs, at present he cant get from his hospital bed to the bathroom with out help.
The hospital are going to operate and put his feeding tube directly into his stomach as he keep pulling the one in his nose out.
I have arranged for a local solicitor to pay him a visit in hospital and witness his new will which he was going to finalise just before he had to be admitted.
I know that getting this finalaised will be a weight and worry off his shoulders as his new will includes some family members that he had previously written out and I know that he has been worried that they will miss out after he dies. The local solicitor has been brilliant and will go to the hospital at no extra cost- a good local firm.
I am going away on holiday soon and I hope that when I come back there will have been some further improvements such as putting on more weight.
The best thing is that he has topped talking about want to give up and die, weather he has changed his mind or someone in the family has asked him to stop nas it was too upsetting I don't know, but it does make going to visit a bit easier.

meritaten

perhaps he has realised that he doesnt want to die yet Jim? I have seen Cancer patients who seem to accept the diagnosis of terminal cancer - yet they fight harder as the end draws near. and sometimes they win! Keep being his friend, it sounds like this is very precious to him.

doodlesmum

Jim,you truly are a true friend to this elderly gentleman.I can imagine he so looks forward to your visits.We need more people like you,then we would"nt have so many isolated elderly people .