watching a friend die

worried_jim

I can't understand why so many are lonely- what are their neighbours doing? I guess a lot are inward when they are able bodied so haven't built relationships with their neighbours and then they become housebound and it just builds from there. Neighbours need to say hello to each other a bit more often!

floss2

worried_jim wrote: »

I can't understand why so many are lonely- what are their neighbours doing? I guess a lot are inward when they are able bodied so haven't built relationships with their neighbours and then they become housebound and it just builds from there. Neighbours need to say hello to each other a bit more often!

It's society today - elderly people can be wary of people they don't know; younger people may resent genuine interest as "interfering" or nosiness; and the general way and pace of life nowadays doesn't allow daily chats with the neighbours on the way to work the bus stop, on the walk to school, while doing the daily shop or while washing the car at the weekend.

Basically, our busy lives nowadays deny the most basic element of neighbourliness - regular contact with those around us.

worried_jim

I am leaving the country today for a few weeks and I need to get some documents to him so his solicitor can ID him correctly for the purposes of his new will. This is turning into a bit of a palaver as he has surrendered his driving licence and no longer has a valid passport. There are no bank statements as he does it all online or utility bills (from the last three months).
After going through this issue with his solicitor on the phone they have said that we can use his bus pass. I have just been next door to retrieve it as I know where he has hidden his wallet and it is gone.
Now I am sure that his son or daughter have moved it and put somewhere for safe keeping but it means when I get to the hospital this morning I am going to have to explain why I haven't got his bus pass. This is a conversation that I am not looking forward to having.

He is having his feeding tube moved from his nose and put directly into his stomach in a small operation this afternoon and this has actually cheered him up somewhat, I am hoping that when I get back from holiday he will have made big improvements.

Yorkie1

I guess all that you can do is to explain to him what's happened and that it is not your fault that the wallet has been moved.

He will then have to have the conversation with his family about where they have put it, and to ask them to bring the bus pass in. If they can't do so, it rather makes you wonder whether they have indeed been acting in his interests throughout (I recall the money which you expected to be in the house but had disappeared or been moved some time ago).

Enjoy your holiday, knowing that you have done all in your power for your friend.

Slinky

worried_jim wrote: »

I can't understand why so many are lonely- what are their neighbours doing? I guess a lot are inward when they are able bodied so haven't built relationships with their neighbours and then they become housebound and it just builds from there. Neighbours need to say hello to each other a bit more often!

My mother in law has lived in the same street for 40 years. Most of the people she knew well for many years have died or moved away. The new neighbours have mainly been from overseas, young families, some with little spoken English. It's difficult to form more than a nodding acquaintance with these people she has so little in common with, and in her 80s I guess it gets harder as the years go by. There must be lots of people in her situation.

Jim I hope you enjoy your holiday and your friend is able to welcome you when you return.

rosered1963

Dear Jim,

You have been a great friend to this old man, when he really needs one. You are doing the right thing.

jellyhead

What happened with the bus pass in the end?

I hope you enjoy your holiday. Will another neighbour visit him while you're away?

jellyhead

Pee wrote: »

I had to watch my friend, who was in his fifties, die and it's an awful experience. I then, although I tried not to, got to watch as his mother, his ex-wife and his girlfriend (all well blessed with the drama queen gene) blamed one another and all told blatant lies... I really think that their anger is part of the grieving process, and maybe my anger with them all for being so stupid about it.

I remember lots of anger and bitterness at my grandad's funeral, none of which made sense because he'd been a lovely man my whole life. Apparently 6 years before I was born he'd gone into a hospital for the mentally ill to be treated for alcoholism, and it worked.

Everyone else remembers the bad stuff from before he went to hospital, and whatever happened while they were growing up in his home made a huge impact

Even my nan was angry on the day of the funeral though, and as you say I think it's part of the grieving process.

This old man could have been less than perfect before you met him. His way of cutting family members out of his will and being cross about lack of success/getting pregnant probably winds his family up, and he could have been a lot worse when he was younger. But he's a good friend to you, Jim, and you don't need to listen to the carping about family politics. Like me with my lovely grandad, you knew him to be a nice person and it's not his family's place to try to drive a wedge between him and his current friends and neighbours.

It wounds as if a nursing home is the best place for him when he leaves hospital. You can still visit him there. They'll need to know how much he has in savings and possibly talk about selling his home to pay the fees. I don't know how it works - my nan is currently in a home but her savings were below the level where she would have to pay for the home. I think they get her pension though .... a member of his family will probably need to sort this out while you're away.

worried_jim

Well it looks like he will be coming home in about three weeks. I have been to see him today in his new hospital (a specialist unit). He looks a lot better now he has the permanent feeding tube going into his stomach rather than his nose.
He is in a lovey room with landscaped gardens out side and believes he will be sent home soon but the feeding tube will remain for life as he has nerve damage to his throat which is why he couldn't eat.
A therapist has been to his flat and is happy that it is safe for him but they are going to provide him with a new mattress and he will have a nurse to visit him daily to help with his feeding packs. I know he is really looking forward to getting home now and I don't blame him!

pearl123

Thank you for the update Worried Jim.