watching a friend die

worried_jim

I have been a good friend with an elderly neighbour for about six years. We met in the car park when one day I helped him with his car. He was a very chatty friendly chap and over time we have become firm friends.

Overtime his health has deteriorated (he is now 84) and I have been helping him more and more, as have some other neighbours. We get his shopping for him, clean for him and I often do other tasks such as helping him to stay online when he has PC issues.

He became house bound about four years ago (mainly because he lives on the first floor and there is no lift) although doesn’t mind not going out as he has everything he needs, huge classical cd collection, sky sports big tv, electric bed and chair to help with his mobility and recently a walk in wet room has been installed.

I would always pop round (I have a key) a few times a week to have a chat and sit and watch the sport with him or discuss today’s scare story in the Daily Mail. On the rare occasions that he would go out I would always take him (Opticians, Dentist or the annual visit to the card shop to buy £100’s of Birthday cards etc) and help him get back up the stairs, which is always a worry as he is so frail.

Since the Jubilee his health has gone down hill (he has problems swallowing so eats very little and has never enjoyed or got any pleasure from food). After countless home visits from the Dr and a few call outs and visits to Hospital he was finally admitted to Hospital a week ago last Friday.

I have spoken to his family who at first dismissed his decline as a cry to be the centre of attention and that he is a hypochondriac and that he has had me running around after him when he could be doing most of these things for himself. I was stunned to hear this and shocked. However, after speaking with different branches of the family (who are all saying the same thing) I have come to the conclusion that they may be right and that I might not have been helping matters by doing so much for him. I feel dreadful.

I went to visit him in hospital yesterday and when I walked into his room and saw him I had to fight back the tears, he looked awful and close to death. Apparently there is nothing wrong with his throat or stomach and Dr’s believe that it is all in his head and he has effectively starved himself to near death. I felt so helpless in the hospital- he was barely able to speak and I couldn’t do anything for him. He is being fed through a tube in his nose so is getting all the nutrition he needs but he looks like a concentration camp survivor and I can’t see him every getting better (or if he does leave hospital he can never go home on his own).

To see someone suffer in that way and to think that some of it may have been self inflicted has really upset me. I don’t know what to say the next time I go and visit and he looked so scarred- he knows this could be it as about a month ago he updated his will and stated telling neighbours that he had had enough and wanted to die.

I just need to write this and share my feelings. Sorry.

Caroline_a

I think that sometimes when people get old they 'give up'. It sounds like your friend has done that. My dad did the same, despite my best efforts, and I'm not sure there's a great deal anyone can do in these circumstances. Depression is very common in old people, but even anti depressants made little difference to my dads state of mind, he had simply had enough of life.

I think you have done the best you could possiby have done, so let the professionals take over now. You never know, he may still rally round.

Lotus-eater

He's 84! You can still die from being a hypochondriac, because it's being ill. You are ill in thinking you are ill and you can make yourself physically ill, as you've seen.

Again, he's 84! You've done a good thing and don't let anyone tell you that you haven't. I suspect you've made this old mans life much more bearable for the last few years.

lostinrates

Its impossible to say whether he could have done more for himself without knowing him. But to me you sound like a good friend, the kind of person people who are aging and/or in illhealth really get quality of life from friendships with.

I think his family might be being....over ambitious on what he could be self provident for, or perhaps not what he could do for himself but what help might have benefited him. He might have been able to get out to buy birthdays cards etc, but if he was frail enough to need help up the stairs it seems that might mot have been so good for him to have to face alone.

Friends, like other carers short and long term care situations, are incredibly underated in the services they provide each other, in practical and financial and in emotional terms.

January20

Exactly what Lotus-Eater said. He is 84. He has had a long life.

And you have been a good friend and neighbour. So many old people have nobody - not even a neighbour to care about them.

Ignore comments from his family who obviously didn't do as much as you do and are quite happy to say he is a hypochondriac.

mrcow

What a lovely neighbour and friend you are. Your neighbour is very lucky to have had someone close buy who has cared like this.

Partings are always sad and it is difficult to watch someone who is so ill, but that man is lucky to have lived with such caring friends and neighbours. His family should be thankful for that. I know I would be.

McKneff

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and everything right.

How on earth can you be a hypochondriac at 84. I think you are a lovely person, you have given this gent dignity in his old age, helped him more than his family have done in his last few years, you have given him a lot of pleasure. Think about how lonely etc he would have been without you and the neighbours rallying round.

I would hate my family being like that with me to be honest.

Sometimes just writing it all down helps, I hope it has as well as some of the posts on here.

liana_y2kuk

I wonder if his family say this as a way of not doing for him while not looking bad to other family and friends. That may sound harsh but I have seen that happen.
Only you will know if your help was needed. Im sure your friend will be greatful. You have helped to make an old mans life better, dont let them make you second guess yourself or feel bad about that. Your a kind person.

X

worried_jim

He was never depressed in the past, to sit with him and listen about his stories from serving in Palestine during the last days of the mandate to being shot at by the Stern gang is fascinating- he is a living history lesson, but then four weeks ago it just stopped.

I think Lotus eater has hit the nail on the head with "You are ill in thinking you are ill and you can make yourself physically ill"- This is what his family have said he's done.

I am a firm believer in karma and do unto others, as I expect are many others are, one day it could be me, I think that is what is so upsetting that yesterday was like looking into the future for all of us in that hospital room.

Thank you for all your comments.

Skintski

What a good friend and neighbour you are. If nothing else I am sure your friend will always be grateful for the help you gave him.

Watching anyone suffer is never easy but at 84 he has done very well! Enjoy the time you have left together and don't look back on it with any regrets, you did the best you could for him.

heartbreak_star

You sound like a very nice person - you have given this man a friend, companionship, help, and the knowledge of "someone being there". That is a wonderful, selfless act and I very much admire you for it.

He has had a long (and by the sounds of it, richly-lived) life and you have probably helped make him happier in his declining time. Please don't feel bad for yourself - as Lotus-Eater said, hypochondria is an illness in itself because it will eventually manifest physically.

At the moment, he is in the best place he could be. If he does move to a nursing home, they'll take good care of him too

HBS x