watching a friend die

MissMitch

worried_jim wrote: »

I have spoken to his family who at first dismissed his decline as a cry to be the centre of attention and that he is a hypochondriac and that he has had me running around after him when he could be doing most of these things for himself. I was stunned to hear this and shocked. However, after speaking with different branches of the family (who are all saying the same thing) I have come to the conclusion that they may be right and that I might not have been helping matters by doing so much for him. I feel dreadful.

One thing about attention seekers....they need attention, we all do! And, even if that is the case, his family denying that and dismissing him certainly won't make that any better. It sounds like you've been a wonderful friend to him when he needed it most! :T

cottonhead

I believe a few things are happening here. Your friend probably has lost a bit of the will to live. If he is lonely and feels he has no purpose its possible he has just became 'not bothered' and neglected himself by not eating and drinking and being old and frail he became ill as a result.
You sound like a great neighbour and I wouldnt be surprised if his family feel some guilt, as you seem to be doing more for him than they are. Dissmissing his illness as attention seeking reaffirms to them, the fact they dont show him much attention is OK - he is 'isnt really ill and doenst really need us' so not bothering with him is fine.
He may not be pysically ill but he sounds lonely and at that age he probably cant manage as well as he once could. I would carry on popping in and providing some company and doing the odd job here and there if you are happy to. Yes sometimes he might make out he cant do something becauae he wants to you stay and keep him company but thats OK if you dont mind providing the company. Does he go to a day centre or belong to any clubs ? perhaps if he extended his social circle that would help. To end I would say what you are doing sounds fab and well done Shame not more people are as caring to the elderly .

shays_mum

What's wrong in wanting attention & any sort of human interaction with anyone at the stage in your life?!.

I am sure there has been stages where we have all felt lonely even in the midst of family/friends & wish that we could be with someone who just "got us" & is happy to spend sometime with us.

Anyhoo, if the family were so angry, where exactly where they?.

Jim, please don't let yourself be made to feel guilty or in anyway negative about an interaction with a man you enjoyed being with. Know that you have made each other's lives richer for the experience. When all our times come, we can only hope that we can be around someone like you.

However, be prepared should your neighbour pass on & the repercussions of the will

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Men can get anorexia nervosa, too. It still gets dismissed as attention seeking even with the 'normal' category of teenaged girls, never mind with big, strong men who achieve well and provide well financially for themselves and their families.

Perhaps he has battled with it untreated for years, and as a result of the worry about his daughter, etc, he's got worse.


I think he has in all probability been genuinely unwell for many years.


You did nothing wrong, Jim.

Slinky

I think we could all do with neighbours who care as much as you do Jim, I wish you and your friend well.

meritaten

worried_jim wrote: »

Thank you for everyone's further comments and thoughts.

I think the family (certainly his wife, they are not divorced) didn't realise how much I was doing, in the end I realised it was too much and just after the Jubilee I contacted his daughter to make her aware of the situation, this is when they first mentioned the "centre of attention" and "hypochondria" as I was getting concerned as this is when he first started talking about wanting to die- he had never done this before and now he was telling everyone.

I know that he has put his affairs in order and has recently made some amendments to his will as he was always cutting out family members and then adding them again if they had done something worthwhile- at this point he told me that he had put myself and two other neighbours into it as well, which made me feel very uncomfortable to learn this- it was an awkward moment.

This is the point when they learn't how much myself and two other neigbours had done- I think the family were shocked, I certainly don't feel that there is any issue with me, it has all been directed in anger at him for taking advantage (not that I see it this way).

I have decided that when I go back to the hospital over the weekend that I won't take another get well card but a thank you card and I will write a message of how I have enjoyed our friendship and all the advice and help that he has offered me over the years and how I have valued all the Sunday afternoons listening to his stories and classical music collection.

Well that certainly clears things up!
Jim hun, this family are trying to alienate you because the old gent thinks so much of you that he is mentioning you in his will! and from your last paragraph you have played right into thier hands and they will have succeeded in isolating this poor man from friends who really care. Not because they care about him but because they are afraid you are going to take something from THIER inheritance!
How would you feel hun, if you distanced yourself now and heard that the poor old boy had died - yet still left you something in his will? you would be tormented then that you hadnt done enough wouldnt you?
Hun, ignore this horrible family, treat the old guy as you always have - he is fond of you - why should you let the vultures drive away his true freinds?

edited to say - even if he has left you something in his will, you do NOT have to accept it. You can decline an inheritance and it will go back to his estate.
saying that - it may be something he particularly wants you to have as a keepsake. and a person is NOT obliged to leave his estate to family, it is his to do with as HE wishes! which is what we tell people who come on here furious because they were left out of wills!

barbiedoll

Hi Jim. You've been a very good neighbour and friend to this man and despite you saying that he has a loving family, there's not too much evidence of this so far. You say that he and his wife are separated, this may have been the cause of tension in the past, especially if his children took their mum's side. He and his wife may be on good terms now but who knows what went on before?

Just because doctors say that there is "nothing wrong" they mean that his body is in good working order for an 84 year old. But at such an advanced age, the body may "work", his lungs, heart and other organs are still doing their stuff but he is already frail enough to have trouble with stairs, can you imagine how he feels, just trying to get out of bed in the morning? If he isn't going out, he may not be sleeping well, which would also account for his poor appetite.

My aunt is 92 and is in rude health. But after a couple of recent falls, (no major damage, but cuts and bruises that are taking ages to heal) she had lost her confidence and found that she didn't want to go out. We were chatting on the phone recently and she sounded really low. She said that everything ached, doing her usual chores were getting harder and harder and she said that sometimes she would be quite happy to go to bed and not wake up. She likened her body to a clock which is winding down. She has cheered up a lot since then, but as she said to me, the inevitable is coming sooner rather than later and she doesn't want to, as she put it, hang around for ages, feeling worse and worse.

Don't listen to his family, it sounds as though they feel a little guilty for leaving him to it. Go and see him as his friend, don't worry about photo albums and so on, just do as you have always done. You have nothing to feel bad about, you can't give him the will to live but whilst he's still here you can still be a good friend.

Wishing you both well.

Scrapaholic

I think it's a lovely idea for you to give a card to say how much you enjoy his company and the time spent together . At the end of our lives it would be good to know we've meant something to someone . Sometimes it's left too late to say what we feel . You are thoughtful . Best wishes .

meritaten

oh dear - perhaps I have read Jims last paragraph wrong. I took it that he was going to distance himself from the old guy! I am way too cynical!!!!!!!! and Jim comes across as such a nice guy I thought he would do that to make way for family. Bu99erit!
Scrapaholic - I wish I had your nice nature!

Person_one

I'm not sure why you think he's definitely dying (although I'm reading On my phone so apologies if I've missed something).

If he's just malnourished but otherwise ok physically, then with treatment and his mental health issues being addressed he could recover. Yes, 84 s old, but much older people recover from worse!