watching a friend die

GobbledyGook

Maybe the fact that he has seen his family settled and successful is why he has chosen to let go now.

Pee

I had to watch my friend, who was in his fifties, die and it's an awful experience. I then, although I tried not to, got to watch as his mother, his ex-wife and his girlfriend (all well blessed with the drama queen gene) blamed one another and all told blatant lies... I really think that their anger is part of the grieving process, and maybe my anger with them all for being so stupid about it.

The one thing that makes me feel better about it all is that before he died, before he was ill, I had a chance to spend a perfect day with him and my OH so he knew how much we both cared about him at a time when he was much lower in spirits than he was towards the end of his life.

You have been a great friend and neighbour. Maybe he is tired and feels old and feels like giving up. I think he's allowed to feel like that. His family may have their own issues of guilt and regret that they can never put right. Those are their issues.

worried_jim

I've just called and spoken to his sister (no nasty family politics, a lovely lady) who lives a few hundred miles away and is unlikely to be able to visit.
She has been told that he has been putting weight on and is getting better, my voice wobbled a bit and I said that I was shocked by his condition and that I couldn't lie to her but I thought that that wasn't the case. She remained steadfastly calm and thanked me for calling.
As someone has previously suggested there is something going on within the family as what I have seen with my own eyes is far different from what they are being told.

I have decided that when I visit again I will take a newspaper and read it to him. I asked if he would like me to bring a family photo album for him to look at but he asked why- I didn't have the heart to say that if I was in his shoes I would want to look back and remind myself of happier times etc, I just had to look out the window.

meritaten

Jim - you have known the guy for six years - the doctor has known him for five minutes! Trust your own knowledge and how you thought about him. I am not saying they are wrong - even if there is nothing physically wrong there can be all kinds of reasons a person has trouble eating.

Just be yourself and carry on as if you were visiting him at his home - I am sure that he will appreciate that! Please dont try to remind him of his past - if he wants to remember it he will bring it up. For all you know he may not want to look back.
Perhaps he enjoys having a friend who only sees him 'as he is'.
Keep on doing what you have for the last few years, you have been a good friend to him.

Scrapaholic

Lots of good advice in these posts . Have you thought that his family may feel a bit guilty that you've been such a good friend ? It may be it makes them feel less guilty if they believe he's been a hypochondriac . I think people get to a certain point in their lives when they are ready to let go , particularly if they've lived a long life. They cut themselves off from everyday things and lose interest in living .As we are still engaged in life, we find it hard to accept that the person we think should want to live , doesn't . I find it comforting in a way , to think that an elderly person has accepted it's time to go, feels they've lived their lives and are ready to pass on to whatever they believe in . You've been a good friend .

worried_jim

Scrapaholic wrote: »

Lots of good advice in these posts . Have you thought that his family may feel a bit guilty that you've been such a good friend ? It may be it makes them feel less guilty if they believe he's been a hypochondriac . I think people get to a certain point in their lives when they are ready to let go , particularly if they've lived a long life. They cut themselves off from everyday things and lose interest in living .As we are still engaged in life, we find it hard to accept that the person we think should want to live , doesn't . I find it comforting in a way , to think that an elderly person has accepted it's time to go, feels they've lived their lives and are ready to pass on to whatever they believe in . You've been a good friend .

This is what I think has happened. I am naive but I have never seen it before but it looks like it is quite common.
His sister has called the hospital and thankfully she was able to speak to him but she did say that he didn't sound good.

When my Grandfather had a fall and a stroke we were told that this was it (he was 92), I told my Mum that I wasn't going to go and see him because I didn't want to tarnish my memory of a big strong war hero that I have always aspired to be like (and failed) but instead I arranged a time to call from work and he mumbled down the line as my Mum held her mobile against his ear and I told him about the time on a family holiday he had put a whoppee cushion on my chair and I cried because I thought that I had ripped my new shorts (getting very emotional typing this) and he and my Grandmother were bent double with laughter. I told him because of this I have always loved a practical joke and it was him that gave me my sense of humour.
Although he couldn't speak I heard him making a noise down the phone which I took to be his remembering and laughing with me. This was my goodbye as he died the next day. I couldn't have had that moment of closeness if I had been there in the room with everyone else- a very special and dear moment for me that I made a very sick man smile.

belfastgirl23

This post has made me feel angry.

If his family really thought that you were killing him with kindness, I think they probably ought to have pointed this out to you a few years ago when there was still time to 'save' your neighbour. Doing it after the fact smacks of self justification. And if they are such a loving and close family, I'm wondering why you have been the person taking him to appointments etc.

I'm mostly angry that you are doubting yourself for being the good person that you are. In fact being this good person is almost acting against you because you are reluctant to think badly of his family. This is also admirable and I would encourage you to keep it up, but not at the expense of your own peace of mind.

Don't let this affect who you are. Keep doing what your own instincts tell you. Perhaps you are all that has stood between this man and this terrible situation for the years you have been keeping him company, and without you he would have passed away years ago.

Sometimes people just make me sad....

jenhug

Have you considered the thought that maybe you are the reason (amongst other friends and neighbours) that this old boy has gone on for as long as he has?

You were a good friend, you asked for nothing but gave your time freely. It sounds like it was valued help. Don't beat yourself up. It may be the thought of having to go in a home that has made him give up.

worried_jim

Thank you for everyone's further comments and thoughts.

I think the family (certainly his wife, they are not divorced) didn't realise how much I was doing, in the end I realised it was too much and just after the Jubilee I contacted his daughter to make her aware of the situation, this is when they first mentioned the "centre of attention" and "hypochondria" as I was getting concerned as this is when he first started talking about wanting to die- he had never done this before and now he was telling everyone.

I know that he has put his affairs in order and has recently made some amendments to his will as he was always cutting out family members and then adding them again if they had done something worthwhile- at this point he told me that he had put myself and two other neighbours into it as well, which made me feel very uncomfortable to learn this- it was an awkward moment.

This is the point when they learn't how much myself and two other neigbours had done- I think the family were shocked, I certainly don't feel that there is any issue with me, it has all been directed in anger at him for taking advantage (not that I see it this way).

I have decided that when I go back to the hospital over the weekend that I won't take another get well card but a thank you card and I will write a message of how I have enjoyed our friendship and all the advice and help that he has offered me over the years and how I have valued all the Sunday afternoons listening to his stories and classical music collection.

tea_lover

Jim, you sound like a lovely neighbour and friend and I think a lot of us wish we had people like you in our lives. It must be a difficult time watching a friend nearing the end, make sure there are people looking after you too. Take care.