Curfew for a 17 year old

lolavix

Sorry if I sound harsh but all you'll end up doing is pushing him away.

My mum gave me ridiculous curfews when I lived at home - I left as soon as I could and we now very rarely speak. Is that what you want your relationship with your son to be like. Give him a bit of freedom for both your sakes

Yorkie1

kafkathecat wrote: »

krlyr, as far as I can see the op is unwilling to talk to her son like an adult and is now thinking of 'calling his bluff'. Op I'm sorry if I have this wrong but you appear to be trying to control your son who is almost an adult. What kind of relationship do you hope to have with him in the future and if you were ever to become dependent on him how do you think he should treat you. Parenting shouldn't be a power struggle. Everyone who says 'your house your rules' wants to hope that their children are never in the position of choosing their care home.

What rubbish this seems. The OP is perfectly entitled to set her rules in her own home. If her son refuses to respect both her and her rules - being unnecessarily rude into the bargain - then I do not agree that the OP should cave in because of fear of what might happen in many decades' time. That's just bonkers. There will always be tensions between parents and children and occasionally they will need to be a power struggle if no compromise can be found.

I do agree, however, that OP needs to choose her battles and try to negotiate a compromise with the son. But if he refuses to abide by any respectful agreement then he makes his choice and lies on his own bed (if that's not mixing too many metaphors in one go).

If he's been brought up well then he should be fine, but I would try to extend an olive branch sooner rather than later so he doesn't feel there is no way back for him at all.

poet123

kafkathecat wrote: »

krlyr, as far as I can see the op is unwilling to talk to her son like an adult and is now thinking of 'calling his bluff'. Op I'm sorry if I have this wrong but you appear to be trying to control your son who is almost an adult. What kind of relationship do you hope to have with him in the future and if you were ever to become dependent on him how do you think he should treat you. Parenting shouldn't be a power struggle. Everyone who says 'your house your rules' wants to hope that their children are never in the position of choosing their care home.

I think the key word in your comment is "almost".

He is not quite an adult and presumably does not have the resources to live independently. Therefore, both sides have to compromise, that is reach an agreement on a set of rules (for want of a better word) that they can both feel happy with.

Parents are people too, and they have as much right to expect their needs to be considered as a young adult.

alex21

kafkathecat wrote: »

krlyr, as far as I can see the op is unwilling to talk to her son like an adult and is now thinking of 'calling his bluff'. Op I'm sorry if I have this wrong but you appear to be trying to control your son who is almost an adult. What kind of relationship do you hope to have with him in the future and if you were ever to become dependent on him how do you think he should treat you. Parenting shouldn't be a power struggle. Everyone who says 'your house your rules' wants to hope that their children are never in the position of choosing their care home.

I see how this appears as if I dictate to my son but actually we sat down some time ago and mutually agreed to the 1am but flexible as per circumstances. I was asking that he contacted me in those circumstances. It is that instead of coming and renegotiating or asking to talk to me, he opted for not answering his phone or texts. When he then cursed at me, I felt backed into a corner. When your son is swearing at you, it is not conducive to my giving any leeway!! Anyway, I have read everyone's contributions and calmed down and had a think. I have just had a perfectly amicable chat to him (and he is staying as planned at his mates) but will be home in the morning for an adult to adult chat. I think I will be suggesting that other than school nights he should contact me out of courtesy if he will not be home or in after say 2am so I don't wake in the morning and panic. I may well be guilty of trying to control him but I love him dearly and will bend over backwards to maintain a loving and respectful relationship with him. This must require input from both sides surely. I am very conscious that he'll be off to uni in a year or so and I want him to have good memories of our last year living under the same roof. I work with a girl with 5 youngsters who are all still at home and were told to attend the local uni or forgoe financial support. Now, to me, that is controlling. I am actively supporting my son is his efforts to not only leave home but to leave Northern Ireland. I believe that is in his interests. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and offer advice. Nobody was as tough on me as I was on myself. I am feeling much happier and will be having an early night tonight!!!:A

Bennifred

Sounds like you're doing a fine job, alex21 - it's not easy to get the balance right!

Just a suggestion: if your son doesn't already have a summer job, he should get one. The money will be invaluable when he gets to university, and it might curb the late nights, too! Of course, you wouldn't say that last bit to him - just remind him of the advantages of having cash in his pocket, and that it's what adults do ......

Good luck with the chat tomorrow!:)

alex21

Bennifred wrote: »

Sounds like you're doing a fine job, alex21 - it's not easy to get the balance right!

Just a suggestion: if your son doesn't already have a summer job, he should get one. The money will be invaluable when he gets to university, and it might curb the late nights, too! Of course, you wouldn't say that last bit to him - just remind him of the advantages of having cash in his pocket, and that it's what adults do ......

Good luck with the chat tomorrow!:)

He really tried but this wee town is dying and he can find nothing. He took a cv to every pub, shop etc and got no response whatsoever. To be fair to him, in the absence of paid work he did volunteer and did summer schemes for wee kids (Actually, now I think of it there was no problem last week as he was so knackered and just collapsed on his bed!) He has a paid job next week only (a relative offering a one off task) This is why he has been so frugal with his EMA (we still get it here) and has salted it away to fund his summer. Actually, he probably has more spends than I do cos mine has to go on bills, food etc!!!!:)

mummyyum

lolavix wrote: »

Sorry if I sound harsh but all you'll end up doing is pushing him away.

My mum gave me ridiculous curfews when I lived at home - I left as soon as I could and we now very rarely speak. Is that what you want your relationship with your son to be like. Give him a bit of freedom for both your sakes

Couldn't agree more. My parents were very strict and imposed ridiculous curfews and I upped and left to live with a bf at 17. It just completely pushed me away. My own oldest son who is now 20 I have never given a curfew to - ever. I trust him 100% and he know that if he is ever in any trouble all he has to do is call and I will be there for him whatever the time of day or night with no judgements made. We have a brilliant relationship and are very close. He can tell me anything (and does) and is always very happy for me to meet and chat with his friends and girlfriends. There should not be any power struggles imo, he needs to know you will always be there for him but give him the freedom he needs to become a trusted adult. Yes, he will make mistakes, as I'm sure we all have done, but he needs to make them himself. I'm sure that you have brought him up properly to know right from wrong and you should trust his judgement.You should tell him that. I'm sure he would appreciate it.

krlyr

kafkathecat wrote: »

Op I'm sorry if I have this wrong but you appear to be trying to control your son who is almost an adult. What kind of relationship do you hope to have with him in the future and if you were ever to become dependent on him how do you think he should treat you. Parenting shouldn't be a power struggle. Everyone who says 'your house your rules' wants to hope that their children are never in the position of choosing their care home.

I think it entirely depends on the 'controlling' and why. My mum was always pretty clear on the fact that boyfriends staying over, for example, was not an issue with the boyfriend/her not wanting me to have sex but because it was not a huge house, the walls were not overly soundproof (so if we were talking, the hum of voices could be heard through the walls), and there were other people in the house who contributed to the bills so therefore had paid for a) a quiet night's sleep and b) their own privacy, not having to worry about wandering downstairs to pee in their underwear because there was a near stranger sleeping in their house. Long-term boyfriends/girlfriends eventually became an exception, as long as they were respectful about noise levels etc.
Ditto with the other rules. Staying out too late..well, we always had big dogs at home who would bark at the sound of a taxi out in the private road (lived down the end of a private lane on farmland) so even if we were sober enough to keep ourselves quiet, the dog(s) would disturb everyone else trying to get sleep before work.

Sure, a rule of getting home for 1am so that OP doesn't worry may be seen as a bit OTT by her son but I personally think 1am is quite late and more than reasonable for a 17 year old. Yes, he may be 18 and an adult next year but maybe OP would insist the same of a 20 year old child or a 30 year old. Who wants to be disturbed at 2am or 3am when they need to be at work within hours of that? It sounds like OP stays up to make sure the son is home safely but there's a practical side of things too - irregular noises often wake people up, if OP's son is always home by 1am then OP can recognise the banging of the door and footsteps is son getting home. When those noises could come any time between 1am and 6am, and could vary daily, I would say it's more likely to interupt her sleep. I know that when I shared a house with my brother and his girlfriend, the sound of the door going at 2am might wake me up and I could be prevented by getting straight back to sleep because it's natural for us to listen out to reassure ourselves that it is a normal noise rather than a burglar or something.

My mum still has a similar rule for my younger brother - he's 22 tomorrow, but he lives with her and has to follow her rules. She doesn't want to be up all night wondering if he's got drunk and stumbled in front of a car, so if he's out late, he texts to let her know he's still out/staying at a friend's/at his girlfriend's. He can't have too many late nights because he has to be out of his bedroom by 7am as my stepdad works nights - he gets in at 7 and goes to bed, and doesn't need to be disturbed by my brother waking up and getting dressed at 9/10/11am. If his girlfriend stays over at the weekend, they sleep on the sofa bed downstairs so they don't keep my stepdad awake with their gossipping (as stepdad struggles with the change of sleeping hours at weekends). Little rules, but rules that make sharing with other people more bearable (especially when my brother only makes a nominal contribution to housekeep as he's not in a wellpaid job) and that I think are totally fair. He certainly knows that if he doesn't like the rules, he can go elsewhere.

Funnily enough, me and my three brothers all have a fantastic relationship with my mother and I think she'll have all of us volunteering to care for her in her old age or all paying towards a great carehome if needed. We all respect the fact that while she did put these rules in place, they were there for reasons that were always explained to us like adults.We may not have liked them all but we can all look back and see they made sense (for example, as a 17 year old, you may think you're capable of entering a house as silently as a ninja so resented a curfew, but when you're older you realise that's not the case!)

kafkathecat

alex21 thanks for taking the time to give a fuller explanation it is so hard to detail all the complexities of a situation on a forum. It is difficult parenting teens because it is a time of huge changes so we really need to be as flexible as we can. I hope your talk today goes well and that you can reach an arrangement that works for both of you.

alex21

kafkathecat wrote: »

alex21 thanks for taking the time to give a fuller explanation it is so hard to detail all the complexities of a situation on a forum. It is difficult parenting teens because it is a time of huge changes so we really need to be as flexible as we can. I hope your talk today goes well and that you can reach an arrangement that works for both of you.

Thanks for your comment kafkathecat. I am waiting for him now but as yet no sign of him. Perhaps this matters more to me than to him!