Curfew for a 17 year old

alex21

balletshoes wrote: »

what money? if he does run out of money what will happen do you think?

He has a bank card and a little cash. The bank money is the last of his ema (he has saved up all year) He is quite thrifty so it could last him weeks. He will presumably be home when he runs out. I feel so sick and could cry.

BitterAndTwisted

If you've done a decent job of bringing him up so far he's going to be fine. But very probably rather skint. He'll probably turn up well before his money runs out as he'll need to do his laundry at some point. Unless he's left with every stitch he owns. If there are no adults in the house where he's gone I give him 48 hours before he's in need of a home-cooked meal.

poet123

alex21 wrote: »

He has a bank card and a little cash. The bank money is the last of his ema (he has saved up all year) He is quite thrifty so it could last him weeks. He will presumably be home when he runs out. I feel so sick and could cry.

I think I might be tempted to call his bluff on this one, and say that you gave permission for him to go to his Nan's but not to stay away from home at a friends for days on end. Tell him to come home, and behave like an adult and you will sit down with him and discuss the issues that have arisen. Tell him that unless he does so he can make more permanent living arrangements.

When he has had time to think he will see which side his bread is buttered;). I do think you will have to negotiate with him re the curfew though and also get an apology for his rudeness and insensitivity.

alex21

poet123 wrote: »

I think I might be tempted to call his bluff on this one, and say that you gave permission for him to go to his Nan's but not to stay away from home at a friends for days on end. Tell him to come home, and behave like an adult and you will sit down with him and discuss the issues that have arisen. Tell him that unless he does so he can make more permanent living arrangements.

When he has had time to think he will see which side his bread is buttered;). I do think you will have to negotiate with him re the curfew though and also get an apology for his rudeness and insensitivity.

Yes. This is what my gut is telling me I should do. He is on a driving lesson at the moment so I can't ring for about another hour. Tonight is the 11th which is a big night out here and he will resist coming home in case he misses it. I think I will suggest he returns in the morning for the discussion as I do not want him staying with this particular boy after tonight. I may seem fussy to some but this lad went off for 3 days and his parents didn't notice and now they are out of the country and that just feels like not caring to me. I hope that if he stays out tonight he will see that I am not totally intransigent.

nickj_2

Dunroamin wrote: »

Sorry to be the odd one out but I think 0100's rather late for a 17 year old.

he's old enough to join the army , at 17 i think he should be at an age where he can , if he's sensible and to be trusted , look after himself

skipsmum

DS is 18, no curfew but I expect him to text me if he isnt going to be home by 12. He usually texts "stayin Josh" or "back L8". Its one reason I pay his phone bill.
Sometimes he forgets and it makes me very cross. If I just didn't come home all night he would be really upset!

Jinx

alex21 wrote: »

He has now told his grandmother he will be staying with a mate (no parents at this house naturally) for a few days. In other words I have given him what he wanted. Total freedom. I hope he doesn't run out of money:mad:

He doesnt want total freedom - he wants you to listen and understand his point of view and accept he should have some input into the 'rules' as he is almost 18. Your refusal to ceed any limits means he feels he has no choice but to go completely against you.

I wouldnt go with the call your bluff move - if it backfires you could do some serious damage to your relationship (bet hes as stubborn as OP). I would contact him and say you want to talk and hope to see him tomorrow.

krlyr

Regardless of age - your house, your rules. Everyone followed my mum's rules while they lived at home whether they were 14, 16 or 21. I lived at home until I was 20 and still had a 'curfew' as such (no set time but not beyond 1am - there were adults in the house trying to get sleep before work so coming home in the early hours drunk and loud was not acceptable), wasn't allowed friends/boyfriends over to stay mid-week (again, people trying to sleep and didn't need to be kept up by us kids gossipping with friends/partners through the night) and various other restrictions.
Did I think some of them were unfair at the time? You bet. Did I think they were that unfair that I decided to move out so I could do what I wanted? Don't be silly - I still knew I had it pretty good! Do I think they were unreasonable now I'm an adult? No way. Infact, I think that as someone who is reaching the stage where they're about to become an adult, they should be capable of realising that sharing a house with someone is about compromising. The way I was brought up made me into a pretty respectful person I think and I never had any problems in my houseshares because I was always careful not to be too loud, not to take over communal areas, etc.
It is tough trying to keep that control over someone that age but I think perhaps a sit down chat to explain to him why the 1am curfew is important and that he needs to act like an adult if he wants to be treated like one is the best way forward. I always appreciated it if my mum took the time to talk to me like an adult rather than treat me like a kid or get in a huff with me.

determined_new_ms

Hi op sorry you're so stressed out at the moment. I guess I'm kind of agreeing with most posters about the curfew - I think you need to ask yourself/tell us what you are hoping to achieve? You can't control your children's actions after a certain age. I have an 18 year old - who has been a nightmare as an adolescent and I tried and tried to control her and get her to do the right thing from when she became a teenager - didn't get me anywhere! (I'm guessing your ds isn't the hand full my dd has been/is!)

But if she is being out of order I can control her access to certain privileges. So if she wants to go out that's fine but the rules are we need to go to sleep and get up for work so she needs to be quiet when she gets in and be respectful. Last week she was not respectful (brought someone home...) so the following day I sat her down, explained how her choices negatively impacted on me and her step father and what the consequence would be if she continued to behave like this - withdrawal of privilege (in our case its the phone and the internet). Now its up to her to decide.

A friend of mine got so exasperated with her ds coming in drunk and being noisy and sat him down and said he needed to be in before a certain time or he needed to find somewhere else to sleep as the door would be bolted after a certain time. She followed it through for a period of time and he's as quiet as a mouse now!

If he is just your average teen, going out to the clubs with mates, not getting into any trouble then let it go if you can as its not worth worrying over. I know what its like to worry but to be fair my dd is 18 and at 18 I had a child. They're just young and having fun

kafkathecat

krlyr, as far as I can see the op is unwilling to talk to her son like an adult and is now thinking of 'calling his bluff'. Op I'm sorry if I have this wrong but you appear to be trying to control your son who is almost an adult. What kind of relationship do you hope to have with him in the future and if you were ever to become dependent on him how do you think he should treat you. Parenting shouldn't be a power struggle. Everyone who says 'your house your rules' wants to hope that their children are never in the position of choosing their care home.