Curfew for a 17 year old

BitterAndTwisted

Wanting to reach a compromise isn't backing down, it's being reasonable and mature.

Have you discussed with any of his his chum's parents what time they expect their young adults to be home and safe at night?

It wouldn't kill you to accept his choosing his own hours and asking for something else in return. Like being told in advance what time to expect him home and that when he chooses to come in he doesn't disturb you or anyone else in the household. And maybe he accepts some responsibility for a few extra chores at home as his half of the bargain.

kafkathecat

Sorry this sounds harsher than I mean it but why do you want authority over someone who is almost 18? Woudn't it be better in the long run to come to some sort of agreement?

silvercar

shellsuit wrote: »

OK, see it from his point of view.

They're all out, and he's got to leave at 12.30am (example) to get home for 1. All his mates stay there and he's the odd one who has to leave early.


I would rather he stayed with his friends and made his way home with them, than to have to leave early and get home on his own.

Totally agree with this. You have to consider whether he will be better getting home safely with others or travelling on his own.

My boys rules where that they had to text if they were going to be really late, in case I woke up and was worried that they weren't back. They also had to let me know if they were staying over at someone elses.

shellsuit

silvercar wrote: »

Totally agree with this. You have to consider whether he will be better getting home safely with others or travelling on his own.

My boys rules where that they had to text if they were going to be really late, in case I woke up and was worried that they weren't back. They also had to let me know if they were staying over at someone elses.

My son is 16 and went to a party last month. He had to be in for midnight but didn't get home till just gone 1am.

Did I go mad?

Nope.

We'd been in contact (I spoke to him at 11.50pm and 12.45am), I knew where he was and who he was with and would rather have him come home late, with someone else and get back safe, than to rant at him for being late and him coming home on his own, where anything could have happened.

meer53

My son is 25 now, we never had a curfew time. As long as he contacted me to let me know where he was and if he wasn't coming home (staying at friends etc) there were never any problems.

Kids have to learn how to manage themselves, get up in the morning, get themselves to college/Uni/work etc. Most of them are quite sensible and suddenly realise that getting in at 2am or 3am isn't always a good idea !

Why don't you say you'll agree to no curfew for a month say as long as he contacts you ? If it doesn't work, talk about it again, but at least he can't say you're the worlds worst mother !

alex21

meer53 wrote: »

My son is 25 now, we never had a curfew time. As long as he contacted me to let me know where he was and if he wasn't coming home (staying at friends etc) there were never any problems.

Kids have to learn how to manage themselves, get up in the morning, get themselves to college/Uni/work etc. Most of them are quite sensible and suddenly realise that getting in at 2am or 3am isn't always a good idea !

Why don't you say you'll agree to no curfew for a month say as long as he contacts you ? If it doesn't work, talk about it again, but at least he can't say you're the worlds worst mother !

Yes this is a great idea. I look dead reasonable and he is responsible for keeping in contact. He saves face with his mates as well. Nice one.

19lottie82

I don't know. I don't think I had a curfew at 17, I was already going to nightclubs and had started Uni by then. But then again, I always let my Mum know where I was going and she could contact me on my mobile.

Personally I think, if he's old enough to get married and die fighting for his country, he shoudl be old enough to stay out as late as he likes BUT of course, if he is staying under your roof, a little respect is in order in terms of your DS letting you know where he is and approx what time he'll be hime.

Sambucus_Nigra

Remembering back to when I was 17 - nearly 18...I never had a curfew and the only stipulation was that if I wasn't coming home that night I'd let my mother know before she went to bed so she could double lock the front door. And that was in the first few years of even having a home phone.

GracieP

alex21 wrote: »

I AM the only parent who imposes a curfew. I am in bits as he is only DS but I won't back down or I will have no authority. But part of me says is this a battle really worth fighting. As he points out, he is months away from being an adult (legally) and what am I going to do when he is at uni?:(

To be honest I think you couldn't approach this from a worse angle if you tried. I'm the oldest in my family and the first time I went to a nightclub at 17 my mother hadn't quite come to terms with what that would mean, ie clubs end at 3am, then we'd go for something to eat and walk home together, getting in about 5am. She stayed up all night worrying and in the end sent my dad out looking for me, just as my friends and I were arriving on our street. I was utterly mortified and completely confused as to why she was so upset and angry.

A few days later she realised that I hadn't done anything wrong, we talked and she realised that if I was going to a club then expecting me to leave early alone or go home myself wasn't reasonable and was certainly less safe than staying with my friends. I was a few months off being an adult, I was starting uni and a part time job in a few weeks and she would just have to accept that I had to be trusted to conduct my own social life. I respected her enormously for talking things through with me, for looking at things from my perspective and for admitting that she had gotten angry with me for her fears rather than me doing something wrong. I looked at it from her point of view, saw why it was scary to her and we moved on. She didn't really have authority over me any more, with the exception of what went on in her house, but instead she had my respect and understanding which is infinitely superior a dynamic between parents and their (near) adult children.

LE3

Could you come up with a compromise with your son?
Sun-Thurs nights he has to be in by 11pm (school the next day)
Fri & Sat he can stay out till 2 as long as he's told you where he's going?

I think that would sound fair

If you do go down this route, I think meeting at a neutral venue - McD's, pub etc & astarting by saying word the conversation along the lines of:
"We need to talk about this issue. I'm sorry if I have made mistakes but I haven't been the Mum of a 17yr old before so just as you are learning how to be an adult, I am learning how to be the parent of an almost-adult! I am going to make mistakes, as you are, and I really wnat us to sort this out and come up with a compromise that works for both of us. My reasons for your original curfew are : xxx, yyy, zzz but I see how responsible you are in always wanting to make sure your friends get home safe so I was wondering how you would feel about this suggestion ......"

(Personally I don't think there is any need for a 17 yr old to be out till 1-2am because they shouldn't be in clubs/pubs etc, but that's not the issue being discussed here!!)