Curfew for a 17 year old

pmlindyloo

alex21 wrote: »

To update. Ds has left the building. Bag was packed. I told him he can stay at his grandmothers for the rest of the week as he will have to get a train to and from there and the last one home is 11.30. He said an extension to 2am would be more reasonable. I said that the things he had said to me were extremely hurtful but he laughed and thought that they were just words that didn't mean anything whereas I took hurtful actions. I said they really did hurt me to which he responded "shucks" and left. By the way, Skylight, you were right. I AM the only parent who imposes a curfew. I am in bits as he is only DS but I won't back down or I will have no authority. But part of me says is this a battle really worth fighting. As he points out, he is months away from being an adult (legally) and what am I going to do when he is at uni?:(

I think this is nothing much to do with what time he has to be in, but more about a lack of respect for you.

This is your house. If you are anything like me then you lie awake at night until he is back. (Somehow that changes when they go to uni - don't ask me why ) Also, you have to get up at a ghastly hour for work.

If he thinks he is an adult then he needs to act like an adult and this means sitting down with you and working out a compromise.

I think you have absolutely done the right thing.

BitterAndTwisted

In your position I would let him cool off at his grandmother's and not contact him there at all.

Everything depends on whether you are more angry at his attempt at autonomy or his rudeness. Would you prepared to come to some sort of compromise about what time he comes home during the holidays as long as he apologised to you for being such a brat?

alex21

shellsuit wrote: »

What was your response to that?

What are his reasons for staying out till 2 and why are you so against him staying out for 1 more hour?

He says most places close at 1 and then he usually gets something to eat and then walks home. He is adamant that he will see gf or female friends home safely first (for which I do give credit) My reasons for digging my toes in is I believe I am already being reasonable by saying 1am and he just ignores me. So I suppose I am ticked at being dictated to by him and it is a principle with me. What I want to know is whether you all think it is a worthwhile principle. If it is not how do I save face and retain the illsion of authority in the home. Perhaps a few days away will do us both good. My fear is he will just crash at mates houses and cause my parents worry. He is mature and reasonable in most things but we really butt heads over this . Meadows, It is me that I want to have a good nights sleep! If he is safely in, then I can get to sleep. He can stay up all night if I know he is safe.

patchwork_cat

No curfew at 17. I didn't have one and my DS didn't have one. Don't they ID in the clubs aound you?

FatVonD

I too was working at 16 and from then expected to be treated like an adult. At 18 I had many arguments with my parents when I got a weekend job in a nightclub and was getting home at 3am (in a cab paid for by the nightclub!) and eventually I moved out for that reason.

I don't think 2am is unreasonable as long as you know he has a safe method of getting home.

FatVonD

alex21 wrote: »

If it is not how do I save face and retain the illsion of authority in the home.

You put your hands up and say 'I've asked around and I think I was wrong. I'm sorry, parents make mistakes too but now that I've apologised I'd like an apology form you too'.

peachyprice

alex21 wrote: »

What I want to know is whether you all think it is a worthwhile principle. If it is not how do I save face and retain the illsion of authority in the home.

For me, and I know others will disagree, I don't think it's a battle worth fighting. My 17o's don't have a curfew, however they do text/BBM if they're going to be late telling me where they are and if they're going to stay out. They don't stay out late every night, perhaps because they can? IYSWIM. But they don't hang around the streets either.

As for backing down whilst saving face, if that is what you decide you want to do you can go about it by saying there's no curfew for the holidays, but he has to understand that when he's back at school he has to be in, he has to text you/BBm you so you know where he is andwhether he's going to be extra late etc.

he has offered a compromise, he's said 2am would be better, which I understand. if wherever he is closes at 1am but he has to be home by 1am he's having to leave before anyone else and he's having to make his gf/female friends leave early so he can see them home safely, he probably finds that quite humiliating.

loulou123

At 17 I didnt have a curfew,all my mum asked was for me to let her know if I wast coming home, so she wouldn't worry.

But my mum was very easy going (not meaning original poster isnt!) And I was very mature for a 17 year old. She let me make my own mistakes and learn from them - eg if I had a late night on a college day, she'd still wake me up at 6am and if I was tired tough! All she expected from me was the truth about where I was going and who with, and she always got it, as u didn't 'need' to lie. (I'm sure most teenagers have told parents, there staying at one place and done something completely different!)

Noctu

I didn't have a curfew at 17 either. If I was late in and unable to get up for college/work the next day, that was my problem. Exactly the same as loulou123. & if it led to me being kicked out of college/sacked from work, that was again my problem and I would still be expected to pay board or find a place of my own. (This didn't actually happen at all but I knew that was the score!)

I always let my mum know if I was going to be out late and certainly if I was going to sleep elsewhere, but there's no way I would have stuck to a curfew at that age. Yes, 16 and under, fair enough, but certainly not at 17+. He'll be getting up to a LOT worse at uni! You need to give him some slack, make his own mistakes if needs be, and enjoy some of the (hopefully) best years of his life. IMO.

shellsuit

alex21 wrote: »

He says most places close at 1 and then he usually gets something to eat and then walks home. He is adamant that he will see gf or female friends home safely first (for which I do give credit) My reasons for digging my toes in is I believe I am already being reasonable by saying 1am and he just ignores me. So I suppose I am ticked at being dictated to by him and it is a principle with me. What I want to know is whether you all think it is a worthwhile principle. If it is not how do I save face and retain the illsion of authority in the home. Perhaps a few days away will do us both good. My fear is he will just crash at mates houses and cause my parents worry. He is mature and reasonable in most things but we really butt heads over this . Meadows, It is me that I want to have a good nights sleep! If he is safely in, then I can get to sleep. He can stay up all night if I know he is safe.

OK, see it from his point of view.

They're all out, and he's got to leave at 12.30am (example) to get home for 1. All his mates stay there and he's the odd one who has to leave early.


I would rather he stayed with his friends and made his way home with them, than to have to leave early and get home on his own.