Hypothetically speaking........

Silver_123

thatgirlsam wrote: »

You seem to have a lot of excuses for not leaving.

Do you want to leave him?

There are charities that will help as far as the animals are concerned

I don't want to live like this - you know sometimes I think it is ok, then he loses his temper and I think oh god I can't cope with this, then things go back to being ok - he is high maintenance generally and behaves like a child sometimes.

Lexxi

nikki02 wrote: »

FIfi Browne...........does he behave like this in front of others or just you?

If it's just you........he doesn't have 'anger issues' because he can control himself around other people. Anger problems would result in him behaving this way around anybody, not just behind closed doors. What you're witnessing is domestic violence.

I'm sorry to hijack you're thread OP but can someone answer some questions for me: What if it is anger issues, what if he can't control himself around other people, or could it be he isn't controlling himself because it's in front of you?

My OH couldn't shake hands with anyone at our engagement because of the damage to his hand from smashing the place up - I was attacked - this is where his anger came from, I think. It's taken two years to deal with the attack, I was so scared to bring up the after effects in case I got the same reaction. Over the years he's smashed things up, or thrown things around, screamed in my face. He has said he is getting help for his anger, he thinks I'm out of order for suggesting that his anger could lead to him hitting me. I don't want to live with that threat over me, what if it does, do I stay there and think 'well, I was right'

duchy

Maybe it would be fairer on the OP to start your own thread ?
You're likely to get more responses that way and it'll save muddling the two issues which as you've said are a bit different

duchy

Fifi

Can you take a step back

Pretend this isn't happening to you but to a friend and she told you -

1 OH was so horrible to her son that he left to live on the other side of the world

2 He tells lies about her to her friends to try and drive them away

3 She works hard and has a lovely home and every few month he kicks in doors and wrecks it

4 He smashes her stuff up when he throws a tantrum -but never HIS stuff

5 She's afraid of him and what he may do next

Honestly-What would you tell her ?

ktb

fifi_browne wrote: »

... Even if the other bits were ok-ish.

Personally I would not be prepared to put up with an "ok-ish" relationship, especially if my OH was so pathetic that he could not comtrol himself when he got angry. I want to share my life with someone who is my equal and is a decent person. You son's reaction is very telling..... do you not deserve better than someone who has absolutely zero respect for you and actually frightens you? What would you advise if you had a daughter who described this senario?

Having almost lost my Mum to breast cancer and myself having some serious health issues, I realised in sharp focus that life is far too short... Personally, in your situation, I would rather be poor and on my own (neither of which have to be permanent with the right attitude)

I firmly believe that a person may be alone but you don't have to be lonely (& i have suffered from periods of loneliness myself in the past).... but there are billions of people on this planet and if you make decisions to go out, engage and live life and not just let it pass you by, there is a good chance that you can evade loneliness. I hope you make the best decisions for your wellbeing....Good luck.

delain

fifi_browne wrote: »

Hypothetically...........if your husband lost his temper to an extent he kicked doors in/smashed things/damaged (your) things - would you stay? If this happened about 3 or 4 times a year? Even if the other bits were ok-ish. Knowing that if you left, you would have probably hard times financially........and you would be lonely...........what would YOU do????? (thanks!)

Been there, done that! It will escalate to violence. Just leave!

Dontknowanymore

Having been through an extremely volatile relationship which resulted in social services threatening to take my children into care if I didn't leave, I would leave in an instant, nooone deserves to live like that. Especially children, sorry but you chose this man over your son, retain some dignity and sack him off!

avasgranny

Honey, please please just leave. Seriously you deserve a safe peaceful wonderful life and you will not get it with this "thing".

Tish_P

nikki02 pointed it out above, but it's funny how people who would like you to believe they simply have terrible anger management problems and no self-control nearly always have enough self-control not to start fights with burly men, or swear at their bosses and break doors at their workplace, or start smashing bottles at the supermarket.

His anger management is fine. He deals with his temper perfectly well when there are witnesses or there would be serious consequences for him. Face it: he is a violent abuser who smashes things to scare you, and if that stops scaring you he will do something worse. You are already worried he would hurt your pets. I know it is far easier said than done, but please get help to leave.

TeamLowe

I'd leave
I know what you mean about it being confusing as it's only a couple of times a year. FIL was emotionally abusive to my DH about once every two months, in between times everything was 'fine', so for a long time DH was in denial, especially as everytime he was convinced it wouldn't happen again.

Then one day DH cut off all contact and he's sooo much happier now, so much more relaxed and content, is now able to see what was going on and realise just how out of order it was.
It was a very very difficult decision for him to come to, he couldn't really let himself believe the truth, that he was being abused so i have every sympathy for your turmoil x x