Hypothetically speaking........

GlynD

This is more than an anger management issue. This is total loss of control. Your husband is suffering from a mental illness. I know - because I used to be like that too. In my case it was as a result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from military service.

I recommend you make a joint appointment with your GP and explain to him the horrible extent of what's been going on and ask for a chemical intervention to calm him until a full psychological review can be done. It's likely he will be on some sort of chemical intervention for the rest of his life.

There is no stigma attached to this. It's actually quite a common and minor ailment but untreated, there could be serious implications for you both.

This is the only way forward for you. If your husband fails to take the opportunity then I would let him know that the alternative is divorce because he is endangering your life. Say it and mean it.

skipsmum

Please look at the freedom program, I think it could really help you.

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

GlynD

skipsmum wrote: »

Please look at the freedom program, I think it could really help you.

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Programmes are great, once you're getting treatment but it takes time to get on them and often you need a GP's diagnosis first (been there, got the tee-shirt). Great that you've posted the link and I think OP should note it and try and apply simultaneously with seeking GP and NHS help. The reason I say that is because a diagnosis is absolutely essential before starting any treatment programme. Not only does it allow the correct chemical intervention (which is desperately needed in this case) but it also allows the individual to realise what's wrong and allow the formation of proper coping mechanisms.

8 years after diagnosis I am almost normal again as long as I take my meds and watch my situations - not let myself get too wound up.

nikki02_2

GlynD wrote: »

This is more than an anger management issue. This is total loss of control. Your husband is suffering from a mental illness.

Loss of control I would agree with yes, but mental illness? Hmmm, I'm not sure that being abusive, threatening and intimidating would be covered under the mental illness blanket?

Fifi Browne, I notice that you posted a while ago about how you husband treats/ treated your son, in more detail than you've gone into here. Honestly, his behaviour is disgusting, to your son and to you. Your son has managed to escape, but now you need to put yourself first because nobody deserves to experience this.

How has today been? Have you managed to have a look on any of the sites suggested, or given any thoughts to what you are going to do?

Dontknowanymore

GlynD wrote: »

Programmes are great, once you're getting treatment but it takes time to get on them and often you need a GP's diagnosis first (been there, got the tee-shirt). Great that you've posted the link and I think OP should note it and try and apply simultaneously with seeking GP and NHS help. The reason I say that is because a diagnosis is absolutely essential before starting any treatment programme. Not only does it allow the correct chemical intervention (which is desperately needed in this case) but it also allows the individual to realise what's wrong and allow the formation of proper coping mechanisms.

8 years after diagnosis I am almost normal again as long as I take my meds and watch my situations - not let myself get too wound up.

The OP doesn't need a diagnosis or anything to get on the freedom programme, she needs to seek help from the local DV outreach team.
I dont understand how you can diagnose the OP's partner has a mental illnes, maybe he is just an abusive person.
It is up to him to seek treatment, I think the OP needs to concentrate on getting her own help, as for her partner, if he really wants to sort it out then it is him who needs to seek and initiate help.

Dontknowanymore

I have done the freedom programme twice and really think it would benefit the OP as it's a real eye opener, scarily so.
There are also empowerment and self esteem courses too, it's a long road but make the first move, dont look back and it gets easier.
Good luck op x

claire16c

fifi_browne wrote: »

We started to separate at the beginning of the year - and his tears were incredible, he never ever stopped crying and lost weight, and I felt blackmailed to stay. This is the truth. I am frightened of being alone, especially now my son has gone and he was absolutely the love of my life!

I was just going to post that I bet if you try and leave him he will break down and cry/beg etc and then it will start all over again. Well looks like thats already happened.

fifi_browne wrote: »

Well he has tried to drive wedges between some of them and me. Tells tales to them about me, some take no notice and some take his side...........!

Classic behaviour of someone like this. He will try to isolate you so that you have no one to turn to except him, and therefore unable to leave.



At the end of the day you can leave him. Or you can make all the excuses in the world as to why you cant.

Its your choice. You only have one life, I know what Id do.

Yorkie1

GlynD wrote: »

This is more than an anger management issue. This is total loss of control. Your husband is suffering from a mental illness. I know - because I used to be like that too. In my case it was as a result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from military service.

I recommend you make a joint appointment with your GP and explain to him the horrible extent of what's been going on and ask for a chemical intervention to calm him until a full psychological review can be done. It's likely he will be on some sort of chemical intervention for the rest of his life.

There is no stigma attached to this. It's actually quite a common and minor ailment but untreated, there could be serious implications for you both.

This is the only way forward for you. If your husband fails to take the opportunity then I would let him know that the alternative is divorce because he is endangering your life. Say it and mean it.

Without wishing at all to belittle what you've clearly been through, Glyn, I cannot see how on earth you can definitively transpose your medical diagnosis onto another person whose history you have no idea about and on the limited information on this thread.

I have no idea of the true statistics, but I'm sure that if every DV abuser actually had PTSD then we'd have heard full details of that research by now.

Given also that OP's OH can control himself so as to hit property rather than her, it does not indicate a total loss of control which PTSD can often be presented as.

By all means suggest a GP visit, but to diagnose him as having a mental illness is a stretch too far in my view. Far more likely that he's just a bully and a thug.

pearl123

fifi browne - What a sad situation you are in.

My ex used to frequently destroy my prossesions. One birthday he chose to destroy all my birthday gifts from everyone to me. My mum had on that birthday also included a gift for him, as she didn't want him to feel left out! He did not destroy his own gift. I had the doors/ cupboards destroyed and it was the least of my problems. Had all my clothes destoyed once too. By destoying your stuff your OH is exercising a form of control over you. He is showing you that not only can he choose what you can have but that he can choose when you are to be happy. Your partner is a voilent contolling bully! He wants to fighten you!
This sort of behaviour nearly always escalates and you will (I suspect) one day find yourself fighting for your life if you don't leave. I did in your situation. Just about every women who has been in this situation will tell you it escalates.

Please leave before you spend years and years in misery! Leave whilst your still alive.

If you are foolist/ frightened enough to stay with him any longer then I recommed you read "Why does he do that : inside the minds of angry young men. By lundy brancroft."
After reading this book you'll definately realise that there is no future with you OH.
Be wise ....you deserve, a safe, happy good life. Your bullying OH will never give you a good life but will likely eventually isolate you from all your friends and loved ones.

Silver_123

nikki02 wrote: »

Loss of control I would agree with yes, but mental illness? Hmmm, I'm not sure that being abusive, threatening and intimidating would be covered under the mental illness blanket?

Fifi Browne, I notice that you posted a while ago about how you husband treats/ treated your son, in more detail than you've gone into here. Honestly, his behaviour is disgusting, to your son and to you. Your son has managed to escape, but now you need to put yourself first because nobody deserves to experience this.

How has today been? Have you managed to have a look on any of the sites suggested, or given any thoughts to what you are going to do?

Thankfully he has gone away for a few days with his work.............he is a bully, and moody, and controlling and cries when I want to leave. I realise the only way to go is just leave when he is away which I think I will do, such a HUGE mountain to climb!