Hypothetically speaking........

Ellejmorgan

skipsmum wrote: »

Glynd, the freedom programme is not a treatment program for perpetrators. It is a course for victims and potential victims of domestic violence. It helps you recognise patterns of behaviour and helps increase self esteem.
OP, you can refer yourself to the freedom program, you do not need a GP or social worker to do it.

Please reserch the freedom programme, it's founded by a lovely lady called Pat Craven, she has widely written about what violence is, the causes of it and is very experienced at working with the 'Dominator'...
One of the rules she has is that the dominator will not be given attention for his behaviour...

She has previously worked with offenders but I don't think she has on the freedom programme..

Mental illness isn't the cause of his violence, he has the ability to stop his behaviour...

Please I urge you to research the programme, it will explain what he's doing and why, you don't have to attend the programme, there is on line support....

Please don't live in fear life is better without I promise, even if you choose to stay in the relationship there is support to help you cope with his behaviour and respond differently to it, there is help to raise your self esteem like another poster said...

Ellejmorgan

fifi_browne wrote: »

We started to separate at the beginning of the year - and his tears were incredible, he never ever stopped crying and lost weight, and I felt blackmailed to stay. This is the truth. I am frightened of being alone, especially now my son has gone and he was absolutely the love of my life!

This is known as 'The Persuader' on the Freedom programme

BitterAndTwisted

fifi_browne wrote: »

The biggest problem is if I leave I will be leaving a very nice lifestyle here - that means a lot especially when people are struggling to survive, and that is what I would be doing, financially, relying on a landlord, leaving my animals, to go to a flat or a shared house. You know, I do work - but my wage would have to become my whole income - and I would have to rent somewhere, well with rents rocketing and the horror stories I hear - well, it is a massive step. I am mid 40s and apart from my children, have no other family.

"A very nice life-style" for you equals driving your child to the other end of the earth to get away and the guarantee of having your home and possessions smashed around you without a moment's notice. Plus, the very great potential for his behaviour to escalate into harming you not just inanimate objects. That, to me, would not mean "very nice" at all. It sounds like a living hell.

I would be willing to exchange all that for peace and security from harm even if it meant living hand-to-mouth.

Tamsin_Temrin

fifi_browne wrote: »

The biggest problem is if I leave I will be leaving a very nice lifestyle here - that means a lot especially when people are struggling to survive, and that is what I would be doing, financially, relying on a landlord, leaving my animals, to go to a flat or a shared house. You know, I do work - but my wage would have to become my whole income - and I would have to rent somewhere, well with rents rocketing and the horror stories I hear - well, it is a massive step. I am mid 40s and apart from my children, have no other family.

It is okay to make choices. It is really tough, and you will have had years and years of having to 'work round', 'deal with', 'cope with' and manage some tough situations. I am not judging you - it is you that is living the life, not me. If you can deal with it, then that is okay. As in, that is okay for you. I wont pretend I could do it. Not without being a mental, shaking, basket case wreck.

If you were really okay with it, you wouldnt ask the question. Would you be able to get some counselling with a really experienced counsellor to help you work out what you want? Unless you have been in the middle of this stuff it is almost impossible to understand how hard it is to get out. Or even make sense of it all. It doesnt fit into 'normal'. And it is okay to say to the counsellor that you dont want to leave, but want coping strategies and options. You could also ask a solicitor about the money side, but half the equity in a trashed house isnt usually much.

Are there any signs that your husband is likely to want to change? Does he show remorse? Does he recognise that what he does is a problem? Is there something you can work with? Is there any light at the end of this tunnel that things will get better?

It may be useful for you to keep a diary. Then refer back to it regularly. If the time between incidents is getting shorter, and/or if the incidents are getting more destructive, those are warning signs. If the time between incidents gets longer, and the outbursts arent so bad, its a good sign. Statistically things usually get worse, but that isnt cast iron.

Can you imagine living like this in twenty years time?

Wishing you all the luck

Tamsin_Temrin

fifi_browne wrote: »

We started to separate at the beginning of the year - and his tears were incredible, he never ever stopped crying and lost weight, and I felt blackmailed to stay. This is the truth. I am frightened of being alone, especially now my son has gone and he was absolutely the love of my life!

How much actually change is there now he has got you back to his 'normal'? That is the big thing. If things are getting better and he still is doing his best, just a few months down the line, great. Or does he take it that you staying has given him permission to carry on behaving in a way that is upsetting you as you did stay after all? After all, he has got rid of your son.

pearl123

fifi_browne wrote: »

The biggest problem is if I leave I will be leaving a very nice lifestyle here - that means a lot especially when people are struggling to survive, and that is what I would be doing, financially, relying on a landlord, leaving my animals, to go to a flat or a shared house. You know, I do work - but my wage would have to become my whole income - and I would have to rent somewhere, well with rents rocketing and the horror stories I hear - well, it is a massive step. I am mid 40s and apart from my children, have no other family.

The problem is that usually the violence escalates. Are you happy to take such a risk?
A couple of months ago there was a women who lost her eyes to a violent partner! If you stay who knows how it could turn out in the end!

Is it really a comfortable lifestyle when you are having to put up with the possiblity of violence and bullying?