Hypothetically speaking........

rosered1963

Hi OP. men who smash things up are dangerous. it's a type of violence, intimidation and a way of controlling you. Yeah, and the men who like smashing things up always cry when they don't get what they want, don't they. Been there many years ago - shudder - my advice is plan your escape and get away asap. You will look back and be glad you did. The fella I was with at the time threatened to kill himself if I left, which kept me there longer than it should. Eventually I just walked out and never saw him again. Good luck x x

ky822000

Yes, the man I was with threatened to kill himself when I left, and that was my saving grace. When he took a handful of pills and called everyone he knew including my children (but not his parents, or me, because he had smashed my phone!!!), one of his work colleagues phoned the emergency services and mentioned he was bragging about applying for a shotgun licence - he hadn't, but he did have an air rifle.

I was staying with neighbours across the road from our business/home and we had three armed response vehicles outside at 2:30 in the morning. When I spoke to the Sergeant about why he was in this situation he immediately recognised DV (I hadn't!!!!), took a statement and he was charged with assault after discharge from hospital.

I have never seen him since and I don't regret it for one second. It was messy but all subsequent contact was through solicitors.

I suppose I am saying that the police DO take these things seriously, and it may be worth approaching them while he is away. I didn't have to leave my home or animals, but I certainly don't want it to escalate for you to a point where they have to pull him off you before they make him leave.

Sambucus_Nigra

If it was real anger then surely the things he would smash would be anything. The fact that even in anger he manages to carefully choose the OP's stuff to smash up over his own, means it is carefully managed anger - in one direction only. It's not anger management he needs, he is managing it quite nicely thank you very much.

OP - I have been in this position and had just bought a house with someone. I had no kids. I called up his parents [we were mid 20s at the time] and said either you come and pick him up now or I'm out the door. They were more concerned about the house than about me so I piled my stuff into the car and drove into the night with nowhere to stay. Luckily my cousin had a house that was empty from his split with his wife - a complete bombsite but I lived there for a fair while until I could sort myself out. With this level of threat - I'm sure Refuge could sort somewhere out for you - or family/friends etc might be able to put you up for a bit until you get yourself sorted.

And don't fall for the tears. They all do that. Boo hoo.

And take photos of the damage before you leave. For evidence and for remembrance - when it's all over you can delete them and thank goodness you got out.

nikki02_2

fifi_browne wrote: »

Thankfully he has gone away for a few days with his work.............he is a bully, and moody, and controlling and cries when I want to leave. I realise the only way to go is just leave when he is away which I think I will do, such a HUGE mountain to climb!

This is your opportunity to make the break Fifi Browne. If you have realised the only way to protect yourself, your friendships and your future is to leave then you have taken the first step. Use these days to make plans to leave. Material possessions are replaceable, debt is manageable and not forever, but you only get ONE chance at life. Take the opportunity you've been given, next time it may be too late.

GlynD

Fifi you've read what I've posted and what I used to be like against what I am now. You've seen other posters come onboard and try to tell you that what I have said can't be true, that it can't be a mental illness. While you seem to have made your mind up I suggest that before you take any action you try one more time, by telephone if necessary, to persuade your husband to seek help from your GP. That's if you care enough about him to take that step.

The alternative is the path most people seem to be persuading you to take and which you now seem set on. I wouldn't blame you if you did because you've suffered enough.

nzmegs

Do some research on borderline personality disorder too. This push and pull thing where he puts you on a pedestal one minute, makes your life a misery the next, then seeks attention when it all goes wrong is classic. Intense bursts of anger out of the blue is also a classic sign.

Look up ways of dealing with it - especially when leaving.

pearl123

GlynD - I really don't believe that the comments that you've made to Fifi Browne are really in her best interest.

The safety and happyness of Fifi Browne should be the most important thing. She and her family deserve to have a physically and mentally healthy place to live in.

It sould be remembered that people who commit domestic abuse are usually very cunning and manipulative.
If you only have a brief look at Fifi's previous treads you will see that the effect of her OH behaviour on her son's life. The replies from many on that thread seemed to indicate that they were saddened and appalled.
When you are in an abuse situation you can't see the wood for the trees. And usually the abuser has slowly knocked back the confinence of the victim.

If you stay there will alway be the brief honeymoon period before he starts up again. Anger management is not a cure!

Like others on this thread. I would also urge you fifi browne to leave your OH.
You and your family deserve a safe and happy life. Without all the emotional game playing from an abuser! Be safe and happy.
Best wishes.

amyloofoo

^^ I appreciate what the two posters above have to say, and either or both might be correct - but it's not for the OP to make her OH change, that's up to him. He's had the information and been asked to seek help, but hasn't; he's made his decision and now the OP needs to make hers. Ultimately the OP's job is to keep herself and her child safe and the best way for her to do that is to leave.

GlynD

pearl123 wrote: »

GlynD - I really don't believe that the comments that you've made to Fifi Browne are really in her best interest.

The safety and happyness of Fifi Browne should be the most important thing. She and her family deserve to have a physically and mentally healthy place to live in.

It sould be remembered that people who commit domestic abuse are usually very cunning and manipulative.
If you only have a brief look at Fifi's previous treads you will see that the effect of her OH behaviour on her son's life. The replies from many on that thread seemed to indicate that they were saddened and appalled.
When you are in an abuse situation you can't see the wood for the trees. And usually the abuser has slowly knocked back the confinence of the victim.

If you stay there will alway be the brief honeymoon period before he starts up again. Anger management is not a cure!

Like others on this thread. I would also urge you fifi browne to leave your OH.
You and your family deserve a safe and happy life. Without all the emotional game playing from an abuser! Be safe and happy.
Best wishes.

I appreciate your comments but I know what I'm talking about and I'm living proof that the methodology I have suggested actually works. I am a different person to what I was 8 years ago.

clearing_out_my_pockets

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