Hypothetically speaking........

GlynD

Yorkie1 wrote: »

Glyn I tried to be sympathetic to you but you have twisted what I posted. Please do not do that.

I said that you could not make a definitive medical diagnosis. I did NOT say that PTSD was an impossible medical diagnosis; just that DV does not automatically equal mental illness.

As a professional I previously worked in the DV field and, believe me, the vast majority of people I encountered had no mental ill health issues whatsoever.

OP, you will know whether mental ill health is a reasonable issue for you to consider (as Glyn rightly said), but do not feel guilt-tripped into it by Glyn's suggestion that you don't care about him if you discard it.

Now I think you're reading far too much into what I've posted. It isn't as important to be right as it is to let this poor girl make her own mind up and get on with her life. Enough's enough. Please stop arguing.

Yorkie1

GlynD wrote: »

Now I think you're reading far too much into what I've posted. It isn't as important to be right as it is to let this poor girl make her own mind up and get on with her life. Enough's enough. Please stop arguing.

Well given that you were telling her what to do, that's rich.

But I agree to draw a line.

rising_from_the_ashes

duchy wrote: »

Pretend this isn't happening to you but to a friend and she told you -

1 OH was so horrible to her son that he left to live on the other side of the world

2 He tells lies about her to her friends to try and drive them away

3 She works hard and has a lovely home and every few month he kicks in doors and wrecks it

4 He smashes her stuff up when he throws a tantrum -but never HIS stuff

5 She's afraid of him and what he may do next

Honestly-What would you tell her ?

fifi_browne wrote: »

Run. As fast as you can!

Please do fifi - no one should put up with living in fear in their own house.

There are charities who can help you get away (although if he does work away fairly often, it may be easier to plan for the next away trip).

There are also charities who can help with temporary fostering of the animals (not sure where you are but some info here http://www.dogstrust.org.uk/az/f/freedomproject/#.T_3VVLqF6fY and if you're not in one of the covered areas, they should be able to suggest who may be able to help).

Being single and maybe not having as much money ..... is much better than what you're putting up with now!

purple.sarah

GlynD wrote: »

This is more than an anger management issue. This is total loss of control. Your husband is suffering from a mental illness. I know - because I used to be like that too. In my case it was as a result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from military service.

I recommend you make a joint appointment with your GP and explain to him the horrible extent of what's been going on and ask for a chemical intervention to calm him until a full psychological review can be done. It's likely he will be on some sort of chemical intervention for the rest of his life.

There is no stigma attached to this. It's actually quite a common and minor ailment but untreated, there could be serious implications for you both.

This is the only way forward for you. If your husband fails to take the opportunity then I would let him know that the alternative is divorce because he is endangering your life. Say it and mean it.

It is not her responsibility to get him help. Only he can do that. I did the whole joint Drs appointments thing with my abusive ex. It didn't really work because he was their patient and no one was looking out for me. After the appointments I was still going home alone with a dangerous man. And they wouldn't really discuss his condition with me, which meant he could get away with pretending everything was OK when I knew otherwise. I was his full time carer because he attempted to harm himself. I did everything I could to get him help. It did not stop him attempting to rape and kill me. When dealing with an abusive partner the priority is to ensure your own safety, not risk your life trying to save theirs. It is like the advice to attach your own oxygen mask before helping others. The OP deserves to be in a place of safety, not a house that is being smashed up around her. Maybe her leaving will be the wake up call her husband needs to seek help.

purple.sarah

fifi_browne wrote: »

I have animals here that are mine.

There are organisations out there that can help you. Here are some useful links about pet fostering for individuals experiencing domestic violence.

skipsmum

GlynD wrote: »

Programmes are great, once you're getting treatment but it takes time to get on them and often you need a GP's diagnosis first (been there, got the tee-shirt). Great that you've posted the link and I think OP should note it and try and apply simultaneously with seeking GP and NHS help. The reason I say that is because a diagnosis is absolutely essential before starting any treatment programme. Not only does it allow the correct chemical intervention (which is desperately needed in this case) but it also allows the individual to realise what's wrong and allow the formation of proper coping mechanisms.

8 years after diagnosis I am almost normal again as long as I take my meds and watch my situations - not let myself get too wound up.

Glynd, the freedom programme is not a treatment program for perpetrators. It is a course for victims and potential victims of domestic violence. It helps you recognise patterns of behaviour and helps increase self esteem.
OP, you can refer yourself to the freedom program, you do not need a GP or social worker to do it.

go_cat

Sounds like he could be narcissistic . I seem to remember a long thread on here about living with someone suffering from it.

OP hope by now you have found the strength to leave him

MrsRogers

With respect the last 2 pages all seem to be ganging up on Glyn



I personally see all sides as I'm sure Op does..

Op came for advice and support .. For her to make a fair and balanced judgement it is essential to hear both view points and to then judge for herself which is right for her in her situation.

A jury always hears both sides of an argument!!!

Tamsin_Temrin

Mrs Rogers - I thought the last two pages were Glyn telling us that we hadnt read his post properly.

Hope the OP is okay. She asked whether hypothetically if you would leave someone who displayed extremes of anger and behaviour that would be classed as domestic abuse. there is no hint anywhere that her partner wants to change. So it doesnt seem that it would get any better, and statistics show that it could get worse.

But it would be hard for her to leave, and the foul thing about domestic abuse is that the set up usually makes it extremely hard to leave. It isnt easy.

Glynn (though obviously he will say that I havent read his posts properly) seems to be saying that sometimes things can be mended with effort, and that is right. There are programmes to support it, including the Respect programme. It is tough but if the person who has problems controlling their temper wants to change then help is out there. Probably best if the work is done with the partners under separate roofs, as it is tough going through these things. Dreadful things can happen to people and the way that people suffer through them and the desperate coping mechanisms can have a knock on effect on their families. The pain of people in that situation (eg ptsd) should not be undervalued. Just because it is not as visible as a broken leg does not mean it is less real. Trouble is, when the pain is showing as anger then the rest of the family suffer. And their suffering is actually real as well.

Big question - does the partner want to change? Hypothetically speaking, if someone smashed the house down around me, was aggressive, and had driven off my child to another part of the world, and if they didnt show any remorse or desire to change - I would consider it worth leaving, even though it put me in a worse position financially and socially. I know it isnt easy. Other people may make a different decision.

Silver_123

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Mrs Rogers - I thought the last two pages were Glyn telling us that we hadnt read his post properly.

Hope the OP is okay. She asked whether hypothetically if you would leave someone who displayed extremes of anger and behaviour that would be classed as domestic abuse. there is no hint anywhere that her partner wants to change. So it doesnt seem that it would get any better, and statistics show that it could get worse.

But it would be hard for her to leave, and the foul thing about domestic abuse is that the set up usually makes it extremely hard to leave. It isnt easy.

Glynn (though obviously he will say that I havent read his posts properly) seems to be saying that sometimes things can be mended with effort, and that is right. There are programmes to support it, including the Respect programme. It is tough but if the person who has problems controlling their temper wants to change then help is out there. Probably best if the work is done with the partners under separate roofs, as it is tough going through these things. Dreadful things can happen to people and the way that people suffer through them and the desperate coping mechanisms can have a knock on effect on their families. The pain of people in that situation (eg ptsd) should not be undervalued. Just because it is not as visible as a broken leg does not mean it is less real. Trouble is, when the pain is showing as anger then the rest of the family suffer. And their suffering is actually real as well.

Big question - does the partner want to change? Hypothetically speaking, if someone smashed the house down around me, was aggressive, and had driven off my child to another part of the world, and if they didnt show any remorse or desire to change - I would consider it worth leaving, even though it put me in a worse position financially and socially. I know it isnt easy. Other people may make a different decision.

The biggest problem is if I leave I will be leaving a very nice lifestyle here - that means a lot especially when people are struggling to survive, and that is what I would be doing, financially, relying on a landlord, leaving my animals, to go to a flat or a shared house. You know, I do work - but my wage would have to become my whole income - and I would have to rent somewhere, well with rents rocketing and the horror stories I hear - well, it is a massive step. I am mid 40s and apart from my children, have no other family.