"He is dying..."

CFC

Poppy9 wrote: »

Also people change and maybe he bitterly regrets his past and maybe he hasn't requested to see you because he feels guilt but his sisters know of his guilt and want to make things right.

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They usually don't change, those type of people, nor regret their past.

I too hate the saying blood is thicker than water...not always, it's not. And how strange that it's usually trotted out by the sinners...

Peanuckle

Poppy9 wrote: »

You are obviously still angry at your father, maybe you could see him to tell him how you feel let down by him etc. It may help you to let go of that anger.

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I suspect it's more anger at being hounded to go and see him, the OP has already said she feels nothing towards the man now.

whitewing

May be an idea to write out your decision and the reasons now, so that you can present it to your children later on should the time arise.

I think it will be easy to assume in the future that they know but they may misconstrue events. I always knew my aunt and mum didn't get on. Years later it turned out that my aunt had walked in on my mum and the next door neighbour. I had heard about this from a younger (adult) sibling, who'd been told it by my grandmother. In my innocence I still took it to mean that the neighbur had just tried it on with my supposedly christian mother, not that they were actually having it away.

GobbledyGook

I'll tell my children when they are older. My eldest daughter already knows that my parents were not very nice and unable to look after me because she knows that I lived with my grandparents. Due to not calling my Grandparents Mum and Dad she picked up on things like my Grandad teaching me to ride a bike and giving me away in photos in the album.

Poppy9 - I understand where you are coming from, but I've no desire to get any sort of closure. I feel that I have had that a long time ago. I'm just hacked off that these people feel that they've some sort of right to come wandering into my life whenever it suits them and start playing the blood card. The only thing that could be achieved by me going is that he gets some sort of peace or pleasure or something from it and it's not my job in life to make him feel better. If he bitterly regretted the past he had the opportunity to apologise and say so last year.

Thanks all. Gemma x

HeatherintheHills

Stick to your guns Gemma. Get the numbers blocked if you feel the need to do that.

If it feels right to you then it is the right thing to do. Your father has had all of their lives to try to meet your children, it is much too late now.

Far too often malignant relatives see their impending death as an opportunity to have one last round of maliciousness, in the full expectation that no-one is going to refuse a dying person's wishes. Getting those around them to do their bidding and summon someone who wouldn't otherwise have anything to do with them is not unusual and gives them another stick "I didn't ask you to visit" to beat you with.

The peaceful reconciliation scenario is for books. The reality is too often one last outpouring of bile and maliciousness that can mentally scar the surviving relative for life. You know your relatives better than we do, go with your instincts and leave the grieving where it belongs, in the past.

Hugs to you.

GobbledyGook

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

The peaceful reconciliation scenario is for books. The reality is too often one last outpouring of bile and maliciousness that can mentally scar the surviving relative for life. You know your relatives better than we do, go with your instincts and leave the grieving where it belongs, in the past.

Hugs to you.

That's what I believe he'd be like. If not that then one last moment of satisfaction of telling me what to do.

I can imagine it turning very ugly because there is no way I could ever hide the fact that there will never be forgiveness from me (towards any of them). I also would never believe he was sorry because it wasn't all down to the drugs and drunk - he's evil and I don't believe you lose your evilness if you have it.


In some ways I'm glad I know. I've been a little surprised, but very pleased at how little it has affected me. I'm tougher than I thought which is great All the work in counselling back before has paid off.

londonsurrey

That silly phrase is bugging me. Blood may be thicker than water, but for the man, alcohol was obviously thicker than blood.

Sagaris

Had a dose of this myself recently, only it was Social Services trying to engineer a 'family reunion' at my dying sister's bedside - I did eventually give in to their pressure, I really wish in a lot of ways I hadn't.

Stick to your guns, you know what is right for you and your chilrdren.x

noelphobic

I can understand why someone would not visit someone who is dying when they have been badly treated by them and I certainly would not blame anyone for this. However, there are people who have treated the dying person badly and can't be bothered to be at their deathbed. When my Mum was dying my brother said he wouldn't be able to visit until the following week as he had no money until his benefit was paid. He lived about 10 miles away and I know that my Mum would have crawled over broken glass to visit him. She died before he had the money for the bus/train fare and presumably there was no one in the world who would give him a lift. Then he became the injured party because we didn't tell him she was dead.

He arrived for the funeral with a single flower with a card attached saying how much he adored her.

marisco_2

GobbledyGook wrote: »

His sister has text back to say that she thinks I'll regret it and that blood is thicker than water, but from the tone I think (hope) that she's taken me at my word and I won't get anymore grief.

The comment regarding blood being thicker than water was made to get a reaction from you. So as to encourage further communication on this situation. Dont rise to it. You know the truth of the past and appear to be the only one comfy enough in their own skin, to see it all for what it was. If your Dad and Aunts cant do this, then that is for their consciences to deal with, if they have one. Your silence will infuriate the hell out of them because it doesn't allow them to have any control over you or to be able to manipulate or guilt trip you. Stay strong and dont speak with them or respond to any more texts.

I am so happy for you that there is a new member of the family, now your cousin has had a baby girl. Now there is something lovely and positive to focus your attention on and spend your time over. Enjoy visiting them and allow yourself to put all this sadness out of your mind. Your dad is not worthy of your time or feelings hun.