"He is dying..."

jumpingjackd

meritaten wrote: »

What makes you think that those who have posted and havent chosen to share their stories havent been in this situation?

Sometimes it is too recent and still hurting. But, we still want to reassure Gemma its ok to not kow tow down to 'family' pressure.

Am only going by what has been posted already! Noone is taking it away from you that is recent and still hurting, I know that only too well too my cost,
My post wast not meant as a critisicm only an observation that sometimes you have to be in a situation to truly understand all the consequences.

Sorry if that you offended you

jumpingjackd

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

You would be surprised by the number of people who have experienced something like the OP has been through and so can understand exactly where she is coming from.

Refer to my previous post and yes I can understand and am surprised by the number of people experiencing similar circumstances! For this I apologise.

jumpingjackd

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Gobbledygook

I know exactly where you are coming from.

I haven't spoken to my father for 22 years (well apart from hello at family occassions I really couldn't get out of) and to be honest I would be taking the same attitude as you.

If he wanted to apologise for his behaviour - not towards me, but behaviour I found unacceptable - then he had his chance years ago.

And no I wouldn't go to his funeral either......in many respects he's already dead as far as I'm concerned

I do feel genuinely sad for you

Beetlemama

I was never allowed to meet my grandfather as my mother and he didn't get along, I'm 42 now and although I don't anguish about it, I always wished I had met him, so I could at least say I'd seen him once in my life - it doesn't really matter I suppose, but he called from his death bed and my mother rushed to London to reconcile with him, he bought her a gold watch that she treaured, and my sister and I had still never seen him. I was 16 when he died, we never did know why she didnt see him or why we weren't allowed to meet him, she always said "He didn't want to see you." I don't know how I would feel though if the answer was "I wouldn't let him see you."

I don't speak to my mother any more though, nothing to do with her father, I haven't done for over a decade now, she's seen my son in the street but doesn't know a thing about him - I expect she might remember his name, he doesn't recognise her when he passes her. I think we've bumped in to her three times in his lifetime (he's 10 this year).

Would I take him to see her one last time if she asked for him? ....would we accept money if she left it to him...or me? if I would, then should I see her one last time? or at least let him see her so he could say he had?

Decisions yet to be made in my life. Good luck with what you decide, it's hard and I hope you never wish it had gone different at the end

GobbledyGook

Thank you for all the support. It's good, but awful, to know that others understand where I'm coming from (if that makes sense).

His sister has text back to say that she thinks I'll regret it and that blood is thicker than water, but from the tone I think (hope) that she's taken me at my word and I won't get anymore grief.

The blood thicker than water comment has infuriated me and I've had to turn my phone off to stop me telling her exactly what I think of that. It hasn't been thicker than anything for 23 years since the whole family backed him and my mother after their vile behaviour so they can whistle if they think I'm going to feel the slightest bit bad now.

It's a strange sensation though. I'd thought he was dead for so long. It'll be nice (if that's not a horrific thing to say) to know for sure that I won't ever have to face him again. It's not a very pleasant illness he has, yet I can honestly say I feel nothing for him. I'm not glad or happy that he's suffering, but neither am I sad or feeling sorry for him. I just don't really care. I think that's a good thing though. Hopefully it means all the counselling worked!

Thanks again, I appreciate it. Gemma x

p.s. on a random, but previously mentioned note my wonderful cousin gave birth to a baby girl. I'm so excited to meet her and can't wait for my cousin to pick a name as she has brilliant taste in names.

GobbledyGook

Beetlemama - I'm sorry you've been left with that wish. My children are very young though (8 and under) so they are just too young. I wouldn't want them to see anyone ravaged with illness at their ages far less a stranger who is likely to be aggressive verbally towards me.

If my children were older then I'd allow them to make their own choices after explaining to them why I feel as I feel. The thing is though my father and I didn't just not get on. My brother and I were neglected and abused (one of my earliest childhood memories is having an iron thrown at me) so it's not just two people who clash.

I won't regret my stance. I accept that my children may one day disagree with it, but I will always be happy that I have done the best for us all. Primarily to keep us all safe.

POPPYOSCAR

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Thank you for all the support. It's good, but awful, to know that others understand where I'm coming from (if that makes sense).

His sister has text back to say that she thinks I'll regret it and that blood is thicker than water, but from the tone I think (hope) that she's taken me at my word and I won't get anymore grief.

The blood thicker than water comment has infuriated me and I've had to turn my phone off to stop me telling her exactly what I think of that. It hasn't been thicker than anything for 23 years since the whole family backed him and my mother after their vile behaviour so they can whistle if they think I'm going to feel the slightest bit bad now.

It's a strange sensation though. I'd thought he was dead for so long. It'll be nice (if that's not a horrific thing to say) to know for sure that I won't ever have to face him again. It's not a very pleasant illness he has, yet I can honestly say I feel nothing for him. I'm not glad or happy that he's suffering, but neither am I sad or feeling sorry for him. I just don't really care.[/B] I think that's a good thing though. Hopefully it means all the counselling worked!

Thanks again, I appreciate it. Gemma x

p.s. on a random, but previously mentioned note my wonderful cousin gave birth to a baby girl. I'm so excited to meet her and can't wait for my cousin to pick a name as she has brilliant taste in names.

I dislike that expression intensely because it just is not true and is an excuse for families to treat each other badly and think all will be forgiven.

Do not let them make you feel bad - they should respect your wishes not putting you under pressure to make themselves feel better.

jumpingjackd

Beetlemama wrote: »

I was never allowed to meet my grandfather as my mother and he didn't get along, I'm 42 now and although I don't anguish about it, I always wished I had met him, so I could at least say I'd seen him once in my life - it doesn't really matter I suppose, but he called from his death bed and my mother rushed to London to reconcile with him, he bought her a gold watch that she treaured, and my sister and I had still never seen him. I was 16 when he died, we never did know why she didnt see him or why we weren't allowed to meet him, she always said "He didn't want to see you." I don't know how I would feel though if the answer was "I wouldn't let him see you."

I don't speak to my mother any more though, nothing to do with her father, I haven't done for over a decade now, she's seen my son in the street but doesn't know a thing about him - I expect she might remember his name, he doesn't recognise her when he passes her. I think we've bumped in to her three times in his lifetime (he's 10 this year).

Would I take him to see her one last time if she asked for him? ....would we accept money if she left it to him...or me? if I would, then should I see her one last time? or at least let him see her so he could say he had?

Decisions yet to be made in my life. Good luck with what you decide, it's hard and I hope you never wish it had gone different at the end

Again this is another post I feel genuinely sad for, I hope you make the right decision and noone can tell you that except yourself.
My DGS paternal grandmother would not recognise him in the street and he is only 2 years old! This grieves me greatly on his behalf! and in his years to come

Poppy9

You are obviously still angry at your father, maybe you could see him to tell him how you feel let down by him etc. It may help you to let go of that anger.

Or maybe you could right him a letter telling him how hurt you feel by his lack of care during your childhood and subsequent years.

I can fully understand why you hate him, but love and hate are the same strong emotions and sometimes it's better to face up to them in order to let them go.

Also people change and maybe he bitterly regrets his past and maybe he hasn't requested to see you because he feels guilt but his sisters know of his guilt and want to make things right.

TBH though things can never be right as you can't undo his wrongs but maybe you will find some closure by having a face to face frank conversation with him.

Such a difficult and upsetting situation for you but I would be inclined like you to keep your children away from the situation.

londonsurrey

"Blood is thicker than water" - I'd reply with "Yes, and it's a pity no one pointed it out to him before he produced children that he didn't care for like a half decent father".