"He is dying..."

azzabazza

Stick to your guns. Sorry you are being subjected to this emotional blackmail.

anmarj

whitewing wrote: »

I've had situations before when medical staff have been quite stroppy about my lack of care for my mother, but my husband says it is because a particular indvidual with a good relationship with their parents can't comprehend what it is like to not have that, it is such a fundamental part of their life.

so true, my mother in law who is close to her daughter can't comprehend the situation between me and my own mother/sister/aunt and uncle, even her own husband had a difficult mum and they had a bad time with her (some of it came out when he died recently) and she finds it hard to understand how I cannot be close to my own side but like being part of her family instead. Luckly OH has seen how my side operate and supports me, although he is trying for the sake of our baby for me to have some kind of relationship with them (honestly will never happen).

Good for you for standing up to him and his side xxxx

marisco_2

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I've text his sister and said "I'm not going to change my mind from my position last week. I have no desire to see him again ever. There is nothing he could ever say or do that I want to know. I've made my feelings clear on multiple occasions now. Please respect that."

:T

Well done you. That message is perfect. You come across in it as knowing your own mind, strong and determined to be dignified. You have been polite with them but left them in no doubt that you will not be swayed on this subject.

If they persist now to try and persuade you to go and see him, then they risk not respecting your feelings. Respect runs both ways. Something your father and his family seem to not understand.

POPPYOSCAR

Just read through the whole thread and some of your posts and others are heartbreaking.:(

Know that you are doing the right thing for you, others members of the family do not understand because it does not suit them to.

I have told members of my family that I will not be at the funeral of someone and that I do not want them at mine. They did not like it but I felt it better to tell them now rather than when they were grieving.

Ellejmorgan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

His family did that with my brother and I as well.

Basically it went one step too far and my Nana and Grandad stepped in. After they won custody my Grandmother told me that I'd "chosen" my side. Chosen my side - at 7 years old!

They were embarrassed that we'd been removed and felt that the family name had been sullied somehow. By us - two 7-year-olds who answered honestly that we preferred living with our grandparents because we got fed everyday, didn't smell anymore and could play with our toys without the risk of getting beaten for making a noise. To his family that was us "choosing". My grandmother couldn't see past him, ever. She was convinced it was all because my mother "drove him to it".

Although it's funny, I'll never understand it or forgive it, but I do wonder about my mother more. I wonder if I get my inability to upset people from her. I can only imagine my inability to do that, combine with being very young and hooked on drugs must have made her very easy for him to manipulate. Though that's a whole other issue.


Rather than being wracked with guilt I imagine he'll be after one last moment of getting his own way. He was said to be furious last year when I refused to meet any of them over the will saga. He's very used to getting his own way. His mother bowed to his every whim, my mother did, his sister's are similar. It'll rankle him that I never crawled back to him like he said I would.

Emotion wise I don't really feel much, if anything at all. My "Dad" died on a Sunday when I was 6 when he eat a large meal in front of us when we'd had nothing since Friday lunch. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. My "father" died to me a long time ago as well.

Thank you again. Gemma x

Thing is they don't realise who they hurt, they don't 'feel' like us..
They have nothing in their hearts only emptiness no love, nothing..

Use it to make yourself a good parent or person and leave it as that..
I've always tried to do the opposite to my mother, then I know i've done the right thing...

My baby was born in December his mother has seen her twice, she's this week started crawling & sitting...
Her father hasn't seen either children since Feb..
All I think is god you silly people have missed out..

My mother watched me being pulled up the stairs by my hair by her boyfriend, he chipped my teeth and split my lip, I was 14, she sat there and continued eating her dinner..
My darling sister was prevented from helping me..
When he hit her she got rid of him..

I'm telling you this as I want you to know you are not alone and it is possible to put the past behind you....
Your parents do not define you, they just provide the genetics...

I also wanted to say I'm sorry your brother died..
I hope you have been offered support..

*Louise*

I think your message sounded perfect - direct and honest and I hope they pay attention and don't bother you again.

I can understand from the relatives point of view that they feel sorry for him and are trying to help him, but as far as I'm concerned if you make mistakes in life, you shouldn't wait until you are on your death bed before trying to make things right.

I did have a similar situation and I didn't go to the hospital, I didn't want to feel pity. No one knew the real reason I wouldnt go, I just got away with saying that seeing him in that state would upset me too much. (Aggresive form of cancer that caused a slow death due to wasting away from starvation) Unfortunately my much loved father contracted the exact same form of the disease 6 months later and suffered the same horrible death. I felt I had my karma to an extent but still don't feel guilty for not going to the first deathbed.


Life is too short to waste time on people who have ruined our happiness, concentrate on the family who love you and cherish them

xxx

jumpingjackd

Dont think people can honestly comment until they are directly in this situation.

notisis

I refused to visit my grandmother in a hospice when she was dying after what she did to my family - my choice no pressure - although my sister and dad visited (although I think my dad regrets it bitterly now). But I did go to her funeral just to make damn sure she was dead and buried! Unfortunately you can't choose your family as many others have said. So just do what feels right for you and don't give in to pressure.

meritaten

jumpingjackd wrote: »

Dont think people can honestly comment until they are directly in this situation.

What makes you think that those who have posted and havent chosen to share their stories havent been in this situation?

Sometimes it is too recent and still hurting. But, we still want to reassure Gemma its ok to not kow tow down to 'family' pressure.

POPPYOSCAR

jumpingjackd wrote: »

Dont think people can honestly comment until they are directly in this situation.

You would be surprised by the number of people who have experienced something like the OP has been through and so can understand exactly where she is coming from.