"He is dying..."

thehappybutterfly

My mum left me and my three siblings when the youngest was only 2 and I've never seen her since (I'm 43 and we lived in different countries). When I found out she was dying about a year ago now, I secretly hoped for a request to come to her bedside - didn't get it. I then secretly hoped for a deathbed confession of regret lovingly recorded by her friends and remaining family - nope, didn't get that either. At the end of the day, she just didn't give a !!!!. No regrets at all for leaving her 4 children in the care of an alcoholic who didn't have the first idea how to look after children. And I'm now at peace knowing both my parents are dead and I'm doing all right, thank you very much.

MrsDavo

Hi,

I had a similar situation in April.

My father was never part of my life, I had tried in recent years to have contact with him, to give him the chance to meet his granddaughter, but despite a promising start he then ignored my letters. So I gave up.

Roll forward to April and I get a call to say hes in intensive care 300 miles away from me and would I like to go and say my goodbyes. I said no. Then once he had passed, I got a call to try and persuade me to go to his funeral. I explained my reasons for not wanting to go, I.e. him ignoring me, never being part of my life.

I think the best thing to say is what I did which is " Nothing can be gained by either party by my attendance at the funeral." Nothing can be said now that will change the past, and I think that if people want to "make peace" then it should be done sincerely when people are alive and well, not when they are dying.

Incidentally my dad told my half sister that he hadn't responded to my last letters because "it was hard" .....selfish to the end. Didn't think it was hard for a daughter to ve rejected again then?

marisco_2

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I just don't understand the logic. They say "Oh I know they were truly awful and they should have done more and not done what they did.....but they are dying." It's not even like their dying wish is to say sorry. As for "you'll regret not taking the chance to say goodbye" :mad:

Some people have a fear of death. They believe that if you dont make things right and say goodbye then you will be left feeling racked with guilt and regret.

It sounds as if the person dying has done many things in life which have caused you great upset and emotional harm. Nothing he can say or do now will make up for any of that. It is not your place to try and make him feel better about himself.

Being by the bedside of someone who is dying is no place for children. I remember being present when my grandad, a man who I adored, died when I was only 14. It was horrendous. For this individual to wish to meet your children now shows how selfish and self indulged he still is. Your children have no emotional connection to this person at all. Why should they or you be put through such an ordeal.

Stay strong and if they raise the question again just say a very firm and clear 'No I will not be visiting xxxx, and you know the reasons why'. Leave it at that. I am very sorry for what you have been and are now going through.

GobbledyGook

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

Whenever he doesn't bother with our two kids, she cuts them out, they'll get xmas money through the post and that's all..

His family did that with my brother and I as well.

Basically it went one step too far and my Nana and Grandad stepped in. After they won custody my Grandmother told me that I'd "chosen" my side. Chosen my side - at 7 years old!

They were embarrassed that we'd been removed and felt that the family name had been sullied somehow. By us - two 7-year-olds who answered honestly that we preferred living with our grandparents because we got fed everyday, didn't smell anymore and could play with our toys without the risk of getting beaten for making a noise. To his family that was us "choosing". My grandmother couldn't see past him, ever. She was convinced it was all because my mother "drove him to it".

Although it's funny, I'll never understand it or forgive it, but I do wonder about my mother more. I wonder if I get my inability to upset people from her. I can only imagine my inability to do that, combine with being very young and hooked on drugs must have made her very easy for him to manipulate. Though that's a whole other issue.


Rather than being wracked with guilt I imagine he'll be after one last moment of getting his own way. He was said to be furious last year when I refused to meet any of them over the will saga. He's very used to getting his own way. His mother bowed to his every whim, my mother did, his sister's are similar. It'll rankle him that I never crawled back to him like he said I would.

Emotion wise I don't really feel much, if anything at all. My "Dad" died on a Sunday when I was 6 when he eat a large meal in front of us when we'd had nothing since Friday lunch. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. My "father" died to me a long time ago as well.

Thank you again. Gemma x

meritaten

Stick to your guns Gemma. the children have no need to be exposed to the unpleasantness of being taken to see a dying relative - they dont love him and want to say goodbye. You certainly dont love him - and wont forgive him so what is the point of going? tell the sisters that if they pressure you again! They have a lovely scenario in thier heads in which you all have a deathbed reunion and a cry, and it will all be happy families again. I can tell that that isnt going to happen!
People do NOT become saints just because they are dying! even if they do have a change of heart - sometimes the damage they have caused is just too much.

Kiboko

meritaten wrote: »

Stick to your guns Gemma. the children have no need to be exposed to the unpleasantness of being taken to see a dying relative - they dont love him and want to say goodbye. You certainly dont love him - and wont forgive him so what is the point of going? tell the sisters that if they pressure you again! They have a lovely scenario in thier heads in which you all have a deathbed reunion and a cry, and it will all be happy families again. I can tell that that isnt going to happen!
People do NOT become saints just because they are dying! even if they do have a change of heart - sometimes the damage they have caused is just too much.

This! Well said, and just what I am not articulate enough to write If you go you'll have to deal with all the emotions from your early childhood all over again, not to mention your poor kids having to meet him :eek:

whitewing

Are there any doctors or nurses reading this? I wonder how they handle making the relatives understand that the end is near and now is the time for goodbyes, whilst respecting that some family may be estranged.

I've had situations before when medical staff have been quite stroppy about my lack of care for my mother, but my husband says it is because a particular indvidual with a good relationship with their parents can't comprehend what it is like to not have that, it is such a fundamental part of their life.

GobbledyGook

I've no qualms about not going. I'm not ever going to go. Same with his funeral (and am ready for the possible question of him being buried with my mother and brother - not happening) - I'm not going.

It's telling them no and making them believe me and go away that I'm struggling with.

There's no danger of me going and there was never, ever, ever a chance I'd allow him near my children.

I've text his sister and said "I'm not going to change my mind from my position last week. I have no desire to see him again ever. There is nothing he could ever say or do that I want to know. I've made my feelings clear on multiple occasions now. Please respect that."

ruby-roo_2

It is okay to feel all that you do op. You dont owe your father or his sisters anything. Where were they when you were a little kid, desperately in need of help from a monster of a man?

He has never been a dad to you has he? Never looked after or out for you. You are astute enough to know that he would use even his deathbed to be spiteful to you.

I will get flamed for saying this, but personally I hope the b astard dies a slow, painful death and is given some time to reflect on why so few members of his family are by his side. He may get a tiny inkling then of what he put you and your brother through at just 6 years of age.

whitewing

Check with your mobile provider. You could possibly block their numbers. Won't stop them using another phone but it may help the message sink in.