"He is dying..."

Tiddlywinks

OP - is he your dad? So he wants to see his grandkids? Is that right?

I guess you have to make the decision based on:

- being comfortable with not having said a final goodbye
- living with the possibility that your children may find out in the future that you didn't give them a chance to say a final goodbye
- having to deal with the fall-out from your two relatives (who will be very upset coping with their loss) about you not going one final time

Would it be easier to just go rather than deal with the constant requests?

Anyway, if you don't want to go and are happy to handle the family issues that follow then stand your ground - but loss can be a funny thing; you might not like him but you might regret not seeing him later when you try to process the fact that he really is gone.

Best wishes - either way, it's not going to be an easy time for you or your family.

stormbreaker

Oh this is an interesting thread! What is it about death? I don't do funeral teas! When my father passed away my mother was aghast when I said I wouldn't be at the tea! I couldn't be bothered with people waxing lyrical about when they knew my Dad! He was ill and dying for almost a year and few darkened his doorstep, so why oh why should I want to pass the time of day with them?

Stick to your guns! Only a shame that there are people you do care about involved. Hopefully they will understand in the longer term.

stormbreaker

shellsuit wrote: »

I think if someone wants to go and make peace with someone dying, they should be able to, if it's OK with the dying person.

I think if someone doesn't want to go and see a dying person, they shouldn't feel bad for that as it's their right what they do.

Ditto!!

PS. Well done to you for keeping out of the family arguments. Its not an easy thing to do!

GobbledyGook

Tbh there's nobody that I care about that will grieve his loss. I just have no wish to upset his sister's further at the moment because, well because they are people and I wouldn't like to upset anyone at a tough time. It's not because I particularly care about them. I don't know them really.

Tiddlywinks - he is my father, yes, and he wants to see my children. He has never met them. I haven't seen him since I was 14 years old. He was told of my brother's funeral when I was 17, but he was too drunk/drugged up to come (he was only told of it because my maternal grandparents were good people - he wasn't allowed contact with us, but they believed he should be told of his son's death).

My maternal grandparents removed my brother and I from them, and then went on to win custody, because he and my brother were drunken, drugged up, violent, vile people.

My children are not meeting him. That will never happen while I have a breath left in my body.

I won't go and see him. The idea of giving him one last moment of control turns my stomach. As I said I was under the impression he died years ago until last year so there's no grieving to be done.

I just wish I had it in me to tell his sister's to "go away". I just have this inbuilt need to be polite all the time - it does me no favours sometimes!

GobbledyGook

whitewing wrote: »

I guess if they acknowledge why you may not want to see him, then it also means acknowledging that they presumably let you down too.

I think I will have to go through this at some point.

I wish it were that. In fact I'd think much more highly of them if they'd admit the true extent of what he done and what they ignored and played down.

They just see it as being "a long time ago" and think that the fact that he's dying and that it was ages ago makes it all ok.

They are like that. They are a bizarre family. They used to have huge rows with each other, to the extend of physical fights. Then they'd fall out for a few weeks and then everything was hunky dory. If the fact that X battered Y was ever mentioned again then Y was in the wrong from dragging up the past or harking on. Often if Z had taken Y's side in the row they'd then be cast out for being awful to X.

Totally bizarre way to live.

BitterAndTwisted

GobbledyGook I think you just need to be honest with his sisters and tell them you have absolutely no interest in breathing the same air as him. That he was dead to you a long time ago and for very good reasons. Sod their feelings!

GobbledyGook

Thanks everyone. It's good to let the rant out. I really appreciate it.

I need to stand up to them and just say that I'm not going. I just find it hard to upset people - even when they don't or wouldn't bother about upsetting me. It's ridiculous, I'm a grown woman!

I'm just going to answer the last text stating that I'm not going then ignore any further calls or texts (that's the only way they have to contact me).

Thanks again. Gemma x

Armchair23

Hi GobbledyGook

You don't need to 'stand up to them' you don't need to fight battles and wars.
You are entitled to do what you think is right for you and your kid's and you do not need to justify yourself.
Just make sure that you are happy with your decision and then stay with it.
I was born into and then married into a dysfunctional family. Sometimes you just have to go with self-preservation and protect what's good in your life and leave the rest alone.
My best wishes that this ends happily for you X

thehappybutterfly

What a horrible situation to be in G. Are your aunts perhaps the ones who think you and your children should go and see your father? Maybe it's not him at all? Either way, i wouldn't go either and you shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone. Hopefully you will find some inner peace once your dad has passed and you can lay the past to rest.

Ellejmorgan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I wish it were that. In fact I'd think much more highly of them if they'd admit the true extent of what he done and what they ignored and played down.

They just see it as being "a long time ago" and think that the fact that he's dying and that it was ages ago makes it all ok.

They are like that. They are a bizarre family. They used to have huge rows with each other, to the extend of physical fights. Then they'd fall out for a few weeks and then everything was hunky dory. If the fact that X battered Y was ever mentioned again then Y was in the wrong from dragging up the past or harking on. Often if Z had taken Y's side in the row they'd then be cast out for being awful to X.

Totally bizarre way to live.

My exes family are bizarre too..

The mother dotes on her son, my ex, when he couldn't be bothered to be a father she told me I had to be more independant two weeks after having a C Section..
She encorages him not to be a father and when he kept leaving me she said it's ok for him not to see the kids as he had no money [he got someone else pregnant though]
Whenever he doesn't bother with our two kids, she cuts them out, they'll get xmas money through the post and that's all..

The father before his death we caught him downloading teen !!!!!!, we went to the police as it was young stuff, the mother just said he wouldn't do that...

Each night the father sat in the dining room crying and the mother in the front room reading with the aunt..
That was their life, denial denial denial...
Everything is everyone elses fault..

I decided to cut all ties to protect my girls, I had to..

Mind you having said that my parents were worse than that..