"He is dying..."

GobbledyGook

"so you should go and visit him".

What is it about terminal illness that makes everything in the past all forgiven and forgotten?

Sorry for ranting here, but I don't have anyone I can speak to atm as my ex is away on a stag do weekend and my cousin is, rather inconveniently, giving birth (that was a joke about the inconvenience before anyone flames me!).

One of my paternal relatives is dying and I'm getting all sorts of stick about not visiting. I'm trying to be polite because the 2 people that are contacting me are going to be heartbroken by their loss, but I'm losing patience. Their dying wish is to meet my children - well that'd have to be over MY dead body so it aint happening.

I didn't want contact with any of them, but thanks to being left stuff in a will last year they know where to find me.

I just don't understand the logic. They say "Oh I know they were truly awful and they should have done more and not done what they did.....but they are dying." It's not even like their dying wish is to say sorry. As for "you'll regret not taking the chance to say goodbye" :mad:

BitterAndTwisted

Just say the "it wouldn't be appropriate for me to be at the bedside" and leave it at that. No explanation. Nothing.

Or just not respond at all so you don't have to hurt anyone's feelings. If the people who are contacting you have feelings you actually care about hurting, that is.

mrcow

I agree.

What's with the whole "goodbye" thing? it sounds as if you said goodbye a long time ago.

You just need to say to people that it's never going to happen and by keeping up the pressure, they are only upsetting themselves further.

cherylim

No advice to give - just to say that I do know how you feel. Thankfully (for all involved, I suppose) I'm not in that situation just yet.

However, one of the people it will affect fears the situation's coming soon, and asked me if I could try to repair things. I attempted, and set up pre-requisites for 'forgiveness' (in so far as, I'm never forgiving but will try a fresh start). Those pre-requisites were rejected, and that for me sealed the situation for good. I know I'll have to face the same in the coming years, and will probably be there to provide support, but that's as far as it goes.

marleyboy

I had similar when my Dad took ill, I have not seen him in over 25 Years, indeed I hate him, he beat us as children, and battered my Mother to the point of making her blind.

Oh but when he was at deaths door's, it was a case of "Bloods thicker than water" and "he's still your Dad, no matter what". Needless to say he did not die, had he done so I would not waste my spit on his coffin.

I reminded certain family members that me going to see him might not be advisable, as I would happily switch off the machine for him, or wrap the cord around his feeble neck.

Ellejmorgan

I think it depends what the person has done there is a difference between running over your cat and beating the living daylights out of you..

I have toxic parents, my mother can rot as far as i'm concerned, my father I would like to see him again but last I heard he was living with my ex husband, but now I think he's dead...

If you think you won't feel bad when he's gone then that decision was right for you..
Forget what others say, they weren't the ones treated badly....
If they love you they'll get it..

GobbledyGook

I wouldn't normally really care about hurting the 2 people's feelings. We're related, but I don't have any feeling for them one way or the other. However, their brother is dying and they are really struggling with that. They are trying to carry out one of his wishes which I can understand from their pov. I don't really want to hurt their feelings at such a horrible time.

I said goodbye many moons ago. Until last year I was under the impression that he had died already. I just assumed because of his lifestyle.

I just don't understand it. I don't understand why he wants to see me, certainly don't understand the fascination with meeting my children - they've never tried before. There's no apology forthcoming so it's not that.

I'm just waiting on the "But you only ever have one father...." Then I'll explode most likely.

GobbledyGook

marleyboy wrote: »

I had similar when my Dad took ill, I have not seen him in over 25 Years, indeed I hate him, he beat us as children, and battered my Mother to the point of making her blind.

Oh but when he was at deaths door's, it was a case of "Bloods thicker than water" and "he's still your Dad, no matter what". Needless to say he did not die, had he done so I would not waste my spit on his coffin.

I reminded certain family members that me going to see him might not be advisable, as I would happily switch off the machine for him, or wrap the cord around his feeble neck.

That's the line I'm waiting on.

shellsuit

My Nan died in April this year, 5 weeks after finding out she had cancer.

She was estranged from one of her sisters, nothing major had happened, they just hadn't spoken for years.

We asked Nan if she wanted us to contact this sister and Nan said No. She said she didn't want her to come and see her and be all false.

The sister only found out Nan had died when she read it in the paper.

It was so hard, should we have gone against a dying woman's wishes to let her sister pay her respects whilst she was still alive, or do we let a woman know that her sister is dying?

I could see it from both sides so I kept right out of it and glad I did seeing as there has been murder going on since then.



I think if someone wants to go and make peace with someone dying, they should be able to, if it's OK with the dying person.

I think if someone doesn't want to go and see a dying person, they shouldn't feel bad for that as it's their right what they do.

whitewing

I guess if they acknowledge why you may not want to see him, then it also means acknowledging that they presumably let you down too.

I think I will have to go through this at some point.

Ellejmorgan

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I wouldn't normally really care about hurting the 2 people's feelings. We're related, but I don't have any feeling for them one way or the other. However, their brother is dying and they are really struggling with that. They are trying to carry out one of his wishes which I can understand from their pov. I don't really want to hurt their feelings at such a horrible time.

I said goodbye many moons ago. Until last year I was under the impression that he had died already. I just assumed because of his lifestyle.

I just don't understand it. I don't understand why he wants to see me, certainly don't understand the fascination with meeting my children - they've never tried before. There's no apology forthcoming so it's not that.

I'm just waiting on the "But you only ever have one father...." Then I'll explode most likely.

God help anyone who uses that line on me about my mother, she wasn't my mother when her boyfriend was using me as a football or when she put me in care...

Don't listen to them do what you want..

Remember this famous phrase..
'You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'