Am I being over sensitive ?

suited-aces

Woman puts her kid first, great mum.

Man puts his kids first, awful partner.

Funny that.

Errata

Judi wrote: »

Yes but at what cost?

At phenomenal cost to the kids, but none whatsoever to the adults.

carolan78

suited-aces wrote: »

Woman puts her kid first, great mum.

Man puts his kids first, awful partner.

Funny that.

I hardly think the man is putting his kids first by refusing to have them over night more than once a month. OP has stated a few times now she has tried to encourage him to have his kids stay more often.

Person_one

flyonthewall wrote: »

hmmm my ex is not allowed to come anywhere near me or my kids. Legally and simple.

flyonthewall wrote: »

been there done that and guess what I went with the flow. No point in upsetting my children by making a scene now is there.

Eh?

Could you clarify, your ex was allowed to see them but now he isn't?

Person_one

mumps wrote: »

Not everyone believes routine is that important, it is part of the culture here but I have seen children in very different cultures and their lack of routine doesn't seem to do any harm.

Even if you don't think routine is important, I think being able to rely on your dad not to let you down and break promises to see you is important whatever your culture!

shellsuit

thatgirlsam wrote: »

Yes I think the Dad should be buying the extra stuff that they need

And I do think that the OP needs to accomodate the extra children

Is your ex with anyone else now? How would you feel if his partner said your kids couldn't stay over because of her own children?

I think I'd be pretty miffed if it was me. I would be expecting my ex to step up and not have his own children excluded

That has happened in the past when the children were younger. How did I feel? It didn't bother me. I won't lie, if I would have had something planned then it would have annoyed me, but I didn't, so that was that. They're 16 and 14 now and have dealt with their Dad letting them down time and time again and he still lets them down now on occasion.

When it happened years ago, they stayed at home instead of with them, until the next time they stayed there, no big deal to them, or me.

From the way the OP is being spoken to by the majority of posters on this thread, you'd think she had told her OH that she doesn't like his kids and doesn't want them to darken her doorstep.

She's not a bad person, or a bad Mum, or a bad partner or a bad stepmum, something has happened where her son needs to come home and stay on that particular night the kids were meant to stay.

The kids will only miss out on sleeping over. They can still see their Dad. They can go home to their own home and own bedrooms. That's all the OP is wanting for her son, for one night!

Errata

Perhaps the OP's problem is that the relationship is a fairly new one and things are still settling down? The man's youngest children are two years old so presumably he and his wife separated at some point after their birth. He then had to form a relationship with the OP and decide to move in with her. She says her son couldn't sit in the same room with him as he isn't used to him, and that she also has another child.
There are several grownups and a fair number of children who have to make adjustments to a new way of living and being with each other, that can't be easy for any of them and it isn't helped when her son, who it seems is an adult and hasn't been living with her, suddenly needs to be accommodated and must have a bedroom of his own.
I can't think that the OP thought all these new living arrangements would be plain sailing and that nobody would be inconvenienced at some point during the early settling in period.
I'm surprised the son hasn't considered that a very minor inconvenience for him means that two little toddlers can spend the night with their dad - and their step-siblings, of which he is one.

poet123

I think that the OP's reluctance to give any detail about her son speaks volumes, and we should maybe respect that she has her reasons for asking for this concession. In the scheme of things changing arrangements for sleepover is not a big deal occasionally and for a valid reason. As we don't really know what that reason is I don't think it fair to vilify the OP.

If this is a new relationship perhaps the adults involved could negotiate some flexibility on the back if this issue. If that can be done life will be easier all round, and for everyone. Things happen, arrangements sometimes do have to be changed, if both sides can occasionally accept that without the other side fearing repercussions, that is for the best long term for all those involved. Obviously, reaching this level of understanding and acceptance is hard for families where there is unresolved or underlying tension, but it is the best way forward.

If the OH of the OP asked his ex if she would mind if the access weekend was postponed to next week because of xx and explained the circumstances and apologised for any inconvenience it may work out well.

I do think the OP is being a tad unfair in being miffed that her OH considered his ex and her situation. In cases such as this all sides should be entitled to consideration.

Sambucus_Nigra

Judi wrote: »

If they are all children they should be treated equally.

If my partners children were young (say 2 years old). I would have to put their needs before my adult children because their needs are more (but that doesnt mean i love my own adult children any the less).

Thats how i see it.

That's interesting. One bed two kids.

The bed usually sleeps kid 1
Kid 2 has another bed in another house

So which kid gets the bed?

If you are being fair, surely the best arrangement is that each kid gets their usual bed?

Which is what the OP is suggesting.

To make one sleep on the floor/sofa is not putting treating all kids equally is it? It's an impossible thing to do.

FatVonD

OP, is it possible that what your partner meant by 'what if she has plans' was 'what will we do with them if she has plans and can't take them, where will we put them then' rather than thinking that her plans were more important than yours?

For what it's worth as I type my son is in his (double) bed and we have DSD in the spare bed down here and DSS on the sofa. My eldest DSS was supposed to be coming also with his girlfriend and then I suggested that DS give up his bed for them and sleep on the other sofa with DSS but DH was the one that said it wouldn't be fair to turf (my) DS out of his room. My stepchildren have often slept in his room in the past when he's at his dad's and there's been no problem but now he's a teenager and the room is full of his 'stuff' it does seem like more of an invasion of his privacy.

I don't think you're mean to not want your son to feel he's been pushed out of his room by your 'new' family in his absence but I do think you're being over sensitive re the ex's plans and I do think you've had some excellent suggestions on how you can still accomodate all your stepchildren