Bottle feeding and guilt

Triangle

Hi all. Not strictly moneysaving - although I guess formula feeding is more expensive than breastfeeding which is also playing on my mind!

My baby is 13 days old and I have been breastfeeding him. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard it would be - certainly not the 30min feed every 4 hours I was expecting! I had a fairly tramatic birth which didn't help matters and the first few days were so diffcult and I have never felt more low in my life. I have had excellent support from DH and have also been visited frequently by midwives and breastfeding team.

I thought we had turned a corner with the breastfeeding but the fact is I am still struggling so much I dread feed times particularly at night - he never seems full enough and often gets frustrated. I'm not enjoying it all and worry its stopping me bonding with my boy.

But the guilt at even thinking about bottle feeding is overwhleming - this was particularly reinforced today when I went to a breastfeeding cafe at a local childrens centre. The midwife made me feel stupid for feeling how I do and although the other women were nice and it was reasssuring to hear how they strugggled at first, the conversation often came round to how much better breast feeding is and how much better their babies are doing as a result. Yes I know 'breast is best' but I would say to anyone that it is a personal choice and no one should make you justify your actions - so why can't I follow my own advice?

All I want to do is be the best mum I can be to this gorgeous little boy - and the stress and anxiety I'm currently experiencing makes me feel like I'm failing him

Nicki

It is hard to breastfeed in the early week sometimes. And it is also hard to make the decision to stop. The only advice I have though is if you do decide to stop or to mixed feed is not to seek any reassurance on an internet forum or from other breast feeding mums. Any thread like this will become contentious quickly and if you continue to read it you are likely to read views which will upset you along with supportive posts.

If you are going to move to bottlefeeding and want some emotional support about the decision, your best places to look would be relatives who formula fed or other formula feeding mums you know in real life.

Good luck whatever you decide and congratulations on the new arrival. The first few weeks are knackering

Abbafan1972

Congratulations on the birth of your little boy!

You are a good mother whether you breast or bottle feed.

Do whatever is best/comfortable for you. Don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty.

Good luck and enjoy your new little bundle.

zander101

Hi, do you know I hardly ever post in here (long term lurker) but reading your post I just wanted to say I felt exactly the same when my daughter was 2 weeks old. I persevered until she was 5 weeks, but eventually moved to combi feeding as she still wasn't back to birth weight, and was only 6lb 5 when she was born! I had tried increasing the number of feeds, expressing to increase my milk supply but it wasn't working and so had no choice but to combi feed. Even with all that behind me, I still cried when I fed her her first bottle of formula, I felt so guilty and a failure at not being able to do something so natural and easy.
And you know what? At 9 months she's a perfectly happy, healthy baby. Formula isn't poison, it's an extremely close second to breast milk. If I'd had my baby 100 years ago, I would have been very glad of it!
So go with what your gut tells you. If YOU feel, not your HV, not other mums, not your mum(!) that you want to keep trying with breastfeeding till you and baby get the hang of it, then you can. If you feel you're not coping and baby isn't happy, then try formula. After all, there'll be many more parenting battles to come!

Taadaa

It certainly isn't easy. I had to combi feed my son, he was a greedy little !!!!!! and l couldn't physically keep up. I didn't have any support and l lost 1.5 stone in my first 10 days at home. The bottom line is you decide what is best for you and your baby. It's doesn't matter what any expert has to say, deep down hw is your baby and only you know what is best for him.

bright_side

I breast fed my dd for 10 days and ds for 14 days. They are now 21 and 15 and perfectly healthy, happy humans :T Neither of them had many childhood ailments or any developmental issues despite their lack of breast milk.

I don't dispute that 'breast is best' and had I been able to continue feeding them myself I would have. Unfortunately for some women it's just not as easy as it is for others.

I remember completely dreading the little ones waking up for a feed and thinking 'it shouldn't be like this, I should be enjoying this time with my new bundle of joy!'.

Personally I think babies are better off with a happy mum and a bottle, rather than an unhappy mum and breast milk.

Don't worry about what anyone else says - this is YOU and YOUR baby, you do what's right for you both xx

sausageface

Congratualtions on your baby boy!

The first few weeks with a newborn are hard enough - add into that a bad birth and struggling feeding then it turns into a bit of a nightmare!

If you feel like you should carry on (no one would tell you you have to) then give yourself a short time frame i.e. see in a couple of days if things have improved and if not consider giving a bottle then. If it's improving after a couple of days you may want to add a couple more on and just take it a day at a time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Tiny babies only have tiny stomachs and I know with mine that as soon as it went in it came out again in a mustard coloured nappy! The time between feeds will eventually get longer as your little one is able to hold more in his stomach. And it is sods law it takes all that sucking where we are sat there worrying that the baby is starving, not getting enough milk blah blah that actually makes our bodies produce more to keep up with the demand - it takes a few days to get there but it does eventually - I wish mother nature had made us a bit more synchronised

Is he putting on weight? That will give you some insight as to how he is getting on. You will probably know though that they will most likely lose some in their first week and be catching up again in their second so if he is around his birthweight now then don't worry that he isn't putting on.

I would say take no notice of the mums who say how well there little ones are coming on because of the breastfeeding - who knows whether their babies would be less/the same or more abled if they were bottle fed? That's something that is impossible to know!

That's just a bit of advice but it really is up to you whether you carry on or not and whatever you decide DON'T let anyone make you feel bad over your decision at the end of the day you and your baby's happiness and wellbeing come first.

Just have some bottles and ready made formula in and then they are there for if you need them.

Good luck and congratulations on becoming a Mummy

xx

Janepig

I persevered with DD for about two weeks, well, struggled really, and one of the things I was overwhelmed with was the responsibility of it, that DH couldn't help and day and night it was all down to me. Anyway, it was my midwife who stepped in eventually and gave me "permission" to stop, and told me that if anyone said anything to me about it then I was to tell them that she'd told me I could stop. And then things improved enormously.

But being a parent/mother is all about guilt. It's all about beating yourself up about whether your doing the right thing, be it about breastfeeding/bottlefeeding, or anything else you care to mention, from now for the rest of your life. Sorry if that sounds a bit depressing, I don't mean it to be. Luckily for me, I know some seriously shocking parents, so I just try and think, well I'm not as bad as them, and I feel a bit better!

Jx

Money_maker

zander101 wrote: »

I still cried when I fed her her first bottle of formula,

Me too, with all 3 of mine. Managed to BF for around 3 months but the emotional pain of switching to formula is staggering. You know it makes sense but feel such a failure.

All mine did mammoth feeding sessions. Managed to read all the Harry Potter books quite quickly when BFing my youngest:D

Do what you feel is right. That is best for you.

dizziblonde

You do realise this thread won't end well and will inevitably get hijacked don't you?

I don't have the answers for you hunny - I'm still at the point where I sit and sob about my failures in terms of the little miss's prematurity and the breastfeeding thing myself... indeed I've just been hounded out of one mum's group because I mentioned how the two hours of "oh bottle feeding women just didn't try hard enough" had made me feel the other day. (You ain't allowed to have feelings if you're a bottle feeding mum)

What I will say is, for all the sobbing I did when I finally had to admit defeat, that even classed as full-term she wasn't latching, that my breast pump was dying so I couldn't keep even feeding her expressed milk... I lost breastfeeding but I got my daughter back in return - instead of clock watching to pump, dreading pumping, having to hand her to hubby to feed so I could pump and just resenting, hating my boobs.

And yes, I feel guilt, I feel anger and rage whenever anyone trots out the "didn't try hard enough" line - and it's taken me a long time to be able to even dare to bottle feed her in public... but I feel MORE anger toward a world where I have to feel like that if you get what I mean. I didn't find any of the breastfeeding "support" to be much help at all for us - it was all just "oh it's meant to be hard" and public martyrdom competitions - and a total denial of any circumstances other than the norm that might make it harder (in my case it was prematurity and I think there's possibly a tongue tie issue in there as well that was never checked as the doctor got distracted in the middle of going to find a tongue depressor to have a look).

I won't say "you know what to do" and I won't trott out the line about "happy mummies" - I DIDN'T know what to do for the best, and the happy mummies line always made me feel like I was selling out a bit for selfish reasons... just that it's one god-awful decision (mine was made for me by a failing supply and borked breastpump) whichever way you go on it - but whatever decision you make will be the right one.

Mojisola

Triangle wrote: »

But the guilt at even thinking about bottle feeding is overwhleming - this was particularly reinforced today when I went to a breastfeeding cafe at a local childrens centre. The midwife made me feel stupid for feeling how I do and although the other women were nice and it was reasssuring to hear how they strugggled at first, the conversation often came round to how much better breast feeding is and how much better their babies are doing as a result.

This is so unprofessional! I am a great supporter of breast feeding but it really makes me cross when women who are struggling with it are made to feel inferior.

I found BF really easy so I can't help on suggestions that might make it easier for you but I do know that a happy, relaxed, well-rested Mum is much better for a baby than an anxious, over-tired one. It's also nice for Dad to have the close contact that feeding time brings.

Also, please don't try to be a perfect Mum. None of us are and, again, children need happy parents, not guilt-ridden, anxious ones who don't feel they're doing it right.