Bottle feeding and guilt

patchwork_cat

saratoga wrote: »

I will probably get shot down for this but........I have 6 children (ages from 10 to 16) and I have never breast fed any of them.They are amazing kids, hardly ever sick and very healthy.
I wanted my husband to share the feeding ( and everything else!) so I made the decision with our first and although extremely bullied by midwifes along the way,(so much so with the last two, I had them at home) I have never changed my mind.
Good luck and well done for at least trying,don't be bullied by anyone,put your foot down and don't feel guilty,a well fed child is going to be happier and so are you!

Your partner feeding their babies too should not be underestimated. You have given your baby the colostrum that is the most important element. If you don't want to breastfeed anymore then don't.

I am horrified that people have received so much propaganda that they cry when they have to give their baby a bottle. I am a bit of a rebel and in fact so much propaganda put me off.

My babies and I didn't breast feed for long and they did fine.

pleasedelete

I breastfed my first child for 22 months. I was the perfect mother. She latched on immediately and I never had a single issue. I even breastfed whilst having my wisdom teeth removed!

2 years later I had my son. He didnt feed, couldn't latch on. Cried all the time. At 5 days old my mother went out and bought bottles and milk. I let him be fed once and then back to breast feeding. At 9 days he was rushed into hospital very ill with undiagnosed jaundice. I was expressing milk etc. finally in the middle of the night a very experienced bank midwife came in. We chatted for ages and in the end she told me that I must do what I thought best and not feel guilty.

I swapped to bottles. He had a dummy!!! (that's really failiure mummy time- so many disparaging comments).

Today she is 17 and he is 15. The bonding is the same with both children. It made no difference. My daughter is quite petite and my bottle fed son is 6 foot already!

You must do what you want and what you feel is best. Don't feel bad about any decision that you make. Your baby will be wonderful and thrive whatever you do. you will bond with your baby and be a great mummy whatever you decide.

Triangle

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm sitting here in tears (no surprise there!) because I now no longer feel so alone - thank you again, especially to those who have shared their own experiences

I have spent the last couple of hours doing some soul searching with my lovely DH and think I have come to a decision which is right for me - and my little man.

I hope noone minds but I think I will take Nicki and Dizzi's advice and stop reading the thread now - everyone has been so supportive but I recognise I'm still feeling a little too vulnerable to deal with any potential negativity.

Once again - thank you.

looby75

heretolearn wrote: »

. You've done a great thing for your little man, he's got loads of your antibodies and he's benefited from the first few days colostrum, which is the stuff that makes a huge huge difference and is very important. so - he's doing great, you are doing great, and you'll both carry on doing great if you switch to formula.

I just wanted to reiterate this

I started off bfing both of my 2, my daughter would only feed upside down (seriously she the only position she would nurse in was if I held her under my arm like a rugby ball, legs up my back) this obviously wasn't the best position as she regularly threw up most of what she had taken in shortly after At 10 days old the midwife wife insisted I stopped bfing because she was showing signs of dehydration. We later found out that the reason she couldn't feed normally was because she was very slightly tongue tied, but it didn't make me feel any less guilty about stopping.

Then my son was born and I started off bfing him, he screamed 24/7 from being about 3 days old the only time he wasn't screaming was when he was nursing. I asked for help from the MW and she said I was exaggerating how bad he was and that all babies cried. She even said that because there was an 8 year difference between my children I had just "forgotten" how much babies cry :cool: by the time he as 2 weeks old his dad and I were total wrecks and in pure desperation we switched to formula (thinking it must be something wrong with my milk) I was heartbroken at "failing" again and to be honest I think it was a big part of me getting post natal depression.

Eventually we discovered he had silent reflux (reflux but with no vomiting, why on earth they call it silent though I'll never know, he certainly wasn't silent lol) and that made me feel even more guilty because I had stopped nursing when I didn't need to.

Anyway to cut a long story short(ish;) ) It was the counsellor who I went to see after being diagnosed with PND that pointed out that even though I hadn't bf for long I did the MOST important part for them both and they both benefited massively from the colostrum, and anything else they got from me was a bonus.

So if you do decide to FF or even mix the two don't for one second feel guilty, you've already done the most important bit and anything else is a bonus, whats most important is that you and your son are happy and relaxed. Good luck what ever you decide.

pandora205

The thing that isn't always mentioned with newborns and breast feeding is that they like to do it all the time - snacking on and off every hour or so day and night....... That's babies preference and they love the skin contact, smell, warmth etc. For many new mums it's a huge shock.

I gave up on everything else for the first couple of weeks and enjoyed the closeness - but it is very demanding. Of course, it usually gets easier as everyone gets the hang of it but that takes time.

I was a convert by the way and breast fed all three of mine until 18 months plus but then I didn't really do routines (at first). In the end I loved the closeness and sensuality but it doesnt suit everyone.

Good luck whatever you decide

PS I forgot to mention that by child number two I had them sleeping with me, it was so much easier during the night

GobbledyGook

The single most important thing a baby needs is a healthy, happy mother. How you feed him is secondary to that lovely.

Breastfeeding is not best for a baby if it drives his mother to depression. You make the decision that is best for you and your baby in your circumstances and no-one should ever have a go at you for that.

congratulations on your new bundle and good luck x

turtlemoose

I know the OP has stopped reading, but I wanted to add my experience for anyone else in the same shoes.

I had my son on the 4th June this year, and things went wrong from labour onwards really, with an emergency c-section, me having complications from it, and him having a very bad infection and being in hospital for 10 days.

I had such trouble feeding that when the midwives changed shift, the new one would come in and go "oh! you're the lady with the baby that won't latch!". They all had 101 tips and tricks that "always work"...but didn't work for my boy. I desperately wanted to breastfeed, especially with how ill he was, I felt that if I could help him fight it by giving him breastmilk, then that is what I would do.

Those 10 days in hospital felt like about 10 weeks, and were a hellish cycle of pumping and then cup feeding him (I refused a bottle as wanted to breast feed long term). When you are on a 3 hour feed cylce (at the longest point, 1 hr at the shortest point!), 10 days is a very long time, and a lot of feeds, and a lot of time spent with the baby at my breast, him crying because he's hungry but can't latch, and me crying because obviously (in my view at the time!) I was failing him by it not working.

He was diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie, also known as the "hidden" tongue tie - babies need to be able to put their tongue to the roof of their mouths in order to create the vacuum required for breastfeeding - and while the tongue tie was not visible to the naked eye, it was clear he could not use his tongue in this way. For anyone who feels this may be a problem for their LO, google Dr Jack Newman and see how you feel - if your local NHS won't do it, you can get it snipped privately for about £80.

We finally, after many many times of perservering, had our first successful breastfeed on day 10, the day we were discharged from hospital. We came home, it was painful and I didn't like it, I didn't feel like I was nurturing him or bonding with him - while looking at him made me overflow with how much I love him, I did not like feeding him at all and there was many a time in the middle of the night that I bit my lip with tears streaming down my face as I did not want baby, or my partner, to know how hard I was finding it.

I had sore nipples, (Lanisoh was/is my saviour!), he clicked and smacked his way through every feed, he bobbed on and off and would get angry and frustrated, when feeding milk would leak out of whatever side was facing down (poor seal), he was incredibly gassy and we even reverted to some green poos, and he was clearly in pain when going for a poo.

We had his tongue tie cut at 18 days old, and the procedure was so simple and he didn't even cry (feel free to PM me if you have questions for your own situation about this), and I do have to say it immediately improved his latch, stopped the green poo, stopped the leaking out of the side, and he feeds much more calmly - slow sucks whereas before was frantic to say the least.

HOWEVER he is nearly 4 weeks old now and we STILL don't have breastfeeding down. It certainly is not the struggle it was in the early days, and every day (and night!) is a little easier than the previous.

I think you need to take things a day at a time, and do what is right for you.

For me, I'm not ready to stop yet - and by just taking things each feed at a time, and making sure I enjoy time with my lovely gorgeous baby, I know each feed I manage is good for him. I don't know when my limit will be, but I'm not there yet.

There's been many a time when I have been ready to give up, and in hospital he did actually have 2 consecutive formula feeds, because I couldn't express enough yet and the paediatrician was talking dehyrdration/kidney failure/feeding tubes etc. However it was breast milk before, and breast milk since, and that is what feels right for us.

I know that, personally, had I given up by now, I would have regretted it. So - I take it each feed at a time, and for us, it gets a little easier. Maybe I'll reach my limit soon and we will switch to formula, or maybe we'll just "get it" eventually.

Some babies take to it perfectly, others, well, take some time! Only you can decide what is right for you and your baby.

A helpful midwife in hospital (few and far between!) said to me in the middle of one night when I was in tears (yet again!) because he wouldn't feed, is to remember the 4 P's - it takes Practise, Patience, Perserverance....and it all Pays off in the end.

mildred1978

bright_side wrote: »

Personally I think babies are better off with a happy mum and a bottle, rather than an unhappy mum and breast milk.

Bottles don't necessarily have to contain formula.

I know a few people who expressed milk exclusively for their babies rather than breastfeed directly. There are a few on this site. Might be worth messaging them to see how that worked before jumping straight to formula (if it's something you would consider doing).

daska

I'm firmly in the camp of breast is best when possible - but it ain't always possible despite the undoubted health benefits for both mum and baby. Having said that, your midwife sounds very unprofessional and she could have provided you with other avenues of support. If you want to give it a go for a bit longer you could try the La Leche League support line 0845 120 2918 or the NCT 0300 33 00 771. Unfortunately it's a vicious cycle but having problems feeding leads to worry and worrying makes it more difficult to feed. I found chamomile tea helped to ease that cycle a little and there are other things that can help. I was lucky enough to have the support to enable me to persevere.

libbyc3

had to join in this one - breastfed 1st 3 kids - purely through guilt (thanks mum) and resented every minute of it! 4 hours between feed ?? more like 30 mins between 2 hour feeds. I honestly felt tied down, resentful and completely hacked off until stopping bf at 6 months with each but carried on because it was the 'right' thing to do.

then came no 4 and i discovered bottle feeding - omg the joy!! i was so much happier, 4 hour feed were a reality and both me and babe were healthy and content.

Please dont beat yourself up to bf - if i had been older and less wanting to please others with nos 1 2 and 3 i may have enjoyede their baby stage far more