27yr old living an old mans life - help!

Oldernotwiser

Very few people are "in love " after 6 years and a damn good thing too. Do you care about her, want what's best for her, want to look after her? If the answers "no" (as I think it is), then walk away and let her find happiness elsewhere. Just don't get hung up on the "being in love" thing or you'll spend most of your life looking for turning down the real thing for something ephemeral.

Rachie_B

I dont agree ! oldernotwiser

you can "love" many people but being IN LOVE is something only for your partner !!??

I probably still "love" my ex but am not in love with him therefore do not want to be with him in that way

saying you cant be *in love* after years of being together is bull IMO of course

Scarlett1

grex80 wrote: »

You see - you haven't actually READ anything I've posted. I know it's difficult to believe a fellow female could actually be the one at fault, but it takes two to tango (or not). I have talked to her, and if you had read any of my posts you would know that.

The problem is that she denies there is one! Hence why I'm sitting on the net on a Saturday night with nothing much better to do with myself.

right from a females point of view , seems you are showering with material things but not the one thing that she is craving, LOVE !!

when you have your friends round and the music playing is this a regular occurence or every now again, and do you ask if she minds or just think well its your home so you can do what you like ? but lets not forget that its also HER home aswell.

you may have mentioned the fact that you do nice materialistic things for your girlfriend, but you have also said she has let herself go and dont give you sex, nor would I if you were my b/f and splashed our business on an internet forum.

the solution is get her dressed up for the night, take her out for a meal on neutral ground, lay your cards on the table and tell her how you are feeling and ask her how she feels (yes she might even be as unhappy as you) and ask her how you can BOTH resolve the problem, if you both cant then do yourself both a favour and walk away.

Tizzi

Based only on my observations, those people around me who've been searching for 'soulmates' are those whose relationships have failed. For most of them it seems that, whilst they say they're looking for their soulmate, they're actually looking for relationship 'perfection'. As soon as their partner does something that makes the relationship no longer 'perfect' (and it can be the most minor thing that they feel their imaginary 'soulmate' wouldn't do), then that means the current partner can't be the 'soulmate' and the search begins again.

So, personally, I'd look hard at what attributes your 'soulmate' would have and how the relationship would be when you've met this person. Then pick out only the absolute essential key aspects, and consider your current girlfriend and see whether you ever had any of those things in this relationship.

If no, then your decision is made.

If yes, and you're willing to work at your relationship further, then look at ways that you can change the way your relationship is heading. I know that will probably feel unfair, as if you're doing all the work already. But, whatever you're currently doing isn't working, and if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got!

One of the books which helped me, years ago when I was having relationship problems, was the '5 love languages'. Very american, and so I ignored a lot of the more mushy stuff and rolled my eyes a bit at the name 'love languages'. But the underlying premise was excellent, and really opened my eyes.

Basically, the book argues that there are 5 ways in which people express and receive love - the spoken word, receiving gifts, doing things for the other, quality time and (mind's gone blank and can't remember the last one).

Anyway, the theory is that you can be doing everything you can to express your love, using your own preferred 'love language', but if the person you're trying to show your love to doesn't have the same love language, then they're not going to feel the love you're trying to show them.

Once I realised that my partner and I had totally different 'love languages', and started showing my love in his 'love language', his attitude totally changed towards me and our relationship as he felt valued, and he began to change the way he related to me. It took a little while, but totally closed the distance which had been growing up between us.

I guess, in summary, I’d say – if you think there’s still enough there in your current relationship, then try to save it. If it’s all gone, then be kind to yourself and your girlfriend, and leave. Let her find someone who loves her as she deserves to be loved, and vice versa.

Don’t let fear or finances make your decision.

Good luck!

Scarlett1

grex80 wrote: »

Well, i'm not IN love with her, haven't been for a long time.
They say there's a soulmate out there for everyone, I don't think I've found mine yet...

do yourself a favour and take the step to find what you want, but you might find that the grass isnt greener on the other side and you might get there and find out there is NO grass, that in turn will leave your girlfriend in a position to find her soulmate.

stebiz

Rachie_B wrote: »

I dont agree ! oldernotwiser

you can "love" many people but being IN LOVE is something only for your partner !!??

I probably still "love" my ex but am not in love with him therefore do not want to be with him in that way

saying you cant be *in love* after years of being together is bull IMO of course

I'm going to agree with oldernotwiser on this one. I've been with my wife for 17 years now and we love each other very much. I certainly can't give her all the attention I did in the early years (3 children see to this), but I care for her and love her and I think about her every minute of the day. I buy her flowers, gifts but nobody can honestly say that those 'magic moments' from our early months will stay forever. That is the bit that I refer to as being 'in love'. Can't bear to be separated. Kissing 24 hours a day. Cuddling every spare minute (and more) The memories. As you get older you move on. You have more responsibilities. Just my opinion.

Stebiz

SoozieSoo

grex80 wrote: »

If I get mates over, she's always there (I realise it's her house too) and she'll do "wifey" things like turn the music down or tell us all we've had too much to drink. I feel totally trapped.

It sounds like you both want different things. I would not be too happy if my husband had his mates over on a regular basis playing loud music and getting drunk. I expect that kind of behaviour from a 16 year old, but not a fully grown man.

I am not saying don't have a social life, but when you are in a couple your partner should be your main focus, not your mates. From your post, talking about weight issues etc, it sounds like you really are not ready for any kind of long term commitment. When I gained weight, my husband realised that the weight was a sign of deeper psychological issues and urged me to go to the doctor. It turns out I was suffering from depression. This is what a caring, mature man would do, not moan that his wife was getting fat.

To be honest it sounds kinder for both of you to part. She needs someone who puts her first and wants an adult relationship. I think you need some time on your own too see if a committed relationship is what you really want. Getting drunk and playing loud music really does not fit in with the "grown up" world of commitment.

fluffyscruffy

grex80 wrote: »

Thanks very much for all you help so far guys, although i'm slightly worried that you're all saying the same thing. Perhaps it's just the fear of change that's keeping me here, I don't know.

You say perhaps its fear of change thats keeping you there... how do you know the change will be for the worse, could it get any worse?
What are the benefits of staying in the relationship? And the benefits of not being in it?
I think you already know the answers.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Rachie_B

stebiz wrote: »

I'm going to agree with oldernotwiser on this one. I've been with my wife for 17 years now and we love each other very much. I certainly can't give her all the attention I did in the early years (3 children see to this), but I care for her and lover her and I think about her every minute of the day. I buy her flowers, gifts but nobody can honestly say that those 'magic moments' from our early months will stay forever. That is the bit that I refer to as being 'in love'. Can't bear to be separated. Kissing 24 hours a day. Cuddling every spare minute (and more) The memories. As you get older you move on. You have more responsibilities. Just my opinion.

Stebiz

of course im not saying you have the same "sparks" or "magic moments", that you do in the early days

I dont think being "in love" = sparks

it's hard to explain what i am trying to say lol but being in love and loving someone, to me at least, are different feelings !

of course when children come along things change, and the dynamics of a relationship shift

I may not be as old as you

but we have been together for 7 yrs ,married for 3 and have 2 children

lilac_lady

You really should leave, for your sake and your gf's sake. The resentment won't go away, it'll only get worse. You don't love her even if you say you do. The money (lack of it) is keeping you there. There's always a way out if you really want to change your life.