Think my husband has left me...

caroline78

Just seen some more there I would like to answer.

Yes hubby has three other children, 21, 19, and 16 who have moved to Wales. Their mother was also an alcoholic who cheated on him (as a matter of fact the youngest and the oldest child are not hubbys, but the children do not know this). She moved around a bit, got in with a crowd, fell out with a crowd and moved again. As a result we had to go to court to get regular access, but since she moved we have had one facebook message, and no reply to any of our multiple messages or texts.

And the jam on the dummy I think was written on a thread which was a sort of admit what you do lighthearted thread.....remind me never to write on a thread which I don't want thrown back at me years down the line.

caroline78

Oh and as for working. I worked until I fell ill with HELLP syndrome when pregnant, hubby was paid off last year...and I don't know if you are aware but it is bloody hard to get a job now....and believe me he has tried everywhere, including McDonalds, KFC and every cleaning job he can get.

mildred1978

Person_one wrote: »

Does it make you feel better about your own neglectful husband because at least he isn't an alcoholic?

We can all see old threads.

You're comparing apples (poor excuse for a husband on all counts) and elephants (one who works away in order to support his family) now.

Anyway, must go and rub some golden syrup into my son's gums while spraying him with toxic chemicals.

Person_one

Please don't let one nasty poster (and really, she's the only one, everybody else was doing the 'tough love' thing really) make you angry and defensive.

I really do hope your husband can get the help he needs and recover, really I do. If he doesn't though, how long are you prepared to wait? At what point will you say enough is enough? How old do you think your son will need to be before he is influenced enough by his father to become one of those statistics I posted on the first page?

If you want to PM me where you live I don't mind having a look to see if there are any services available you might not be aware of?

Has he ever stopped drinking long enough to go into withdrawal?

Person_one

mildred1978 wrote: »

You're comparing apples (poor excuse for a husband on all counts) and elephants (one who works away in order to support his family) now.

Anyway, must go and rub some golden syrup into my son's gums while spraying him with toxic chemicals.

You've changed your tune since this thread then!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3802743

I'm sure you've heard the one about people in glass houses and stones Mildred.

mildred1978

caroline78 wrote: »

And the jam on the dummy I think was written on a thread which was a sort of admit what you do lighthearted thread.....remind me never to write on a thread which I don't want thrown back at me years down the line.

Lighthearted or not, that was never ever a good idea.

And what you write online lasts forever. Worth remembering.

caroline78

Person_one wrote: »

Please don't let one nasty poster (and really, she's the only one, everybody else was doing the 'tough love' thing really) make you angry and defensive.

I really do hope your husband can get the help he needs and recover, really I do. If he doesn't though, how long are you prepared to wait? At what point will you say enough is enough? How old do you think your son will need to be before he is influenced enough by his father to become one of those statistics I posted on the first page?

If you want to PM me where you live I don't mind having a look to see if there are any services available you might not be aware of?

Has he ever stopped drinking long enough to go into withdrawal?

Thank you. I understand the harsh comments and I do appreciate them in a strange kind of way, however I am not going to let anyone accuse me of being a bad parent through my own actions.
Hubby and I had a four hour chat this afternoon and got so much stuff cleared up. There was no tears or tantrums just open honest chat. I know he now wants to change, as I let him do the talking and explaining, and am hoping the doctor can help him. He phoned my parents and they will be willing to help in any way they can, including paying for private rehab.
He has stopped before for about 4 months and was doing so well, and then just relapsed.

mildred1978

Person_one wrote: »

You've changed your tune since this thread then!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3802743

I'm sure you've heard the one about people in glass houses and stones Mildred.

Yes, we had a rough patch. We're over it now.

I was annoyed enough about a few pretty petty things. I didn't sweep massive issues under the carpet like the OP has, and I didn't bring a child (and potentially a second) into the world in poor circumstances.

Like I said, apples and elephants.

Cat501

mildred1978 wrote: »

Lighthearted or not, that was never ever a good idea.

And what you write online lasts forever. Worth remembering.

So we can see

OP - on reflection I may have been a bit premature when I said the relationship has to end now, and I think amyloofoo's post on the previous page is a lot better! Now you've got all that off your chest, time to look at the kind, compassionate posts from people who really want to help, and see you and your son happy If your hubby is getting help, great - but he MUST be fully committed and he must start NOW because it will take time and your boy is getting older all the time - none of you can afford to wait any longer

On a side note, the thing about two of his children not being his but thinking they are...yikes - I've recently caught up with an old friend from school who was stepdad to a child who was led to believe he was his - until some spiteful person let the cat out of the bag when the child was about 20. It led to all sorts of awful recriminations and bad feeling, some of which is slowly being mended, some of which will likely never be erased. He agrees that with hindsight both him and the child's mother wish to goodness they'd been honest about things a long time ago

eta just read your post - your parents sound like pretty amazing people!

amyloofoo

caroline78 wrote: »

Okay, I have looked at all the posts, and other threads on here too ..(how dare I go onto the Christmas thread while having problems eh).

I agree that the posts about this were ridiculous, however if you post something this controversial then you're going to invite opinions, and some of them won't be nice. I don't agree with the poster who seemed to imply that you should be doing nothing but be sat on this thread, waiting for a pearl of wisdom to drop from their lips; but equally I can see how some of the things they've highlighted could lead to a *facepalm* moment.

Can't remember who said what so will just try and answer what I remember.

I do NOT drink at all, think the last drink I had was half glass of wine on my wedding day. Yes I smoke, but not in the house and I know it is bad for me, but to be honest I enjoy it.

And of course you're entitled to have faults, just like the rest of us, I think highlighting smoking here was a little petty given the seriousness of what the thread is about.

I don't have money this week but do have food and nappies so my son is NOT going without anything. My parents would help in a heartbeat if I asked.

It's really good that you have a close and supportive family around you, do you think that they fully understand the situation you're in? Have you discussed your husband's drinking / behaviour with them? Would they be able and willing to help you should a similar situation arise in the future?

My husband has not lifted his hands to me in years and I do NOT fear for either myself or my sons safety.

Sorry OP, but it was you who raised the issue of domestic violence in your original post. None of us are mindreaders, or mentioned it randomly, but I think you probably mentioned it because there are still some concerns there or why would it be an issue? Even if it's in the past, I'm sorry but Social Services and other organisations will take it into account when considering your son's home life, especially as you've mentioned that the police got involved.

I do not see why SS would need to get involved in my life as my son has never been harmed, never went without and never suffered in any way.

I can understand your defensiveness about this, and it must be the worst thing in the world for a loving parent to hear; but I'm sorry, SS may well get involved in your life. I didn't mention it to scare you, I was removed from the care of my (alcoholic) nana and my (loving and perfectly sober) aunty as SS had concerns about an alcoholic being in charge of a child (this was without there being any allegations of violence or neglect). I was going to school, looked after and very loved, but was still removed from their care at the age of 5 to be taken to strangers because my nana would not accept treatment. I understand that your husband has now said he wants treatment, and I genuinely hope this works, but until he can prove that it has, why are you risking this for your own child? You can still support him and honour your marriage vows without living with him and putting yourself and your son in this situation.

My son has had his MMR and the doctors said that sometimes these do not work, yes they said it was rare but possible.

Absolutely everything you've said indicates that you're a good and loving mother and I don't know why people would presume otherwise. Making decisions others don't agree with (and I certainly don't agree with many of them) doesn't prove otherwise.

For the poster who was a bit unbelieving about my son being ill, I am so annoyed that you could possibly think that I would lie about my son being ill just to get some kind of reaction from my husband. How dare you.

Don't let the barstools get you down.

I fully believe that my husband does not want to live this life as he has tried to get help before, but if anyone here has ever been in this position they will not how hard it is to get on to any kind of programme unless you are admitted to a hospital while drunk.

Whilst I appreciate that getting the RIGHT sort of treatment for the individual can be very difficult, I don't think it's entirely true to imply that services aren't willing to help unless you're in crisis. Quite apart from the help of charities and organisations such as Al-Anon, GPs are able to offer at-home help such as prescibing benzodiazepines, referring for talking therapies and medicines to help with cravings. I'm sure he's probably tried one or all of these, and perhaps feels that his only option is an in-patient rehabilitation, but there are ways of getting treatment which would help in the short term until there is a bed available.

Hubby has come home today, and has already phoned the doctors to get an appointment to see if anything else is available to him.

This is positive and I hope it goes well for you both. I really hope he can conquer this horrible addiction which must also be very distressing for him. However I would question you allowing him back into your home before he has had a successful treatment. I know you love him and it is difficult to be tough to the person we love, especially when they're suffering, but by allowing him back, you're setting yourself and your son up for more of the same. Perhaps this time will be different, and I really hope it will, but I think it would still be wise to make him prove it's different from his new home in the nearest hostel / relative's house / hotel.

I would like to thank everyone for their opinions, but do hope that some of you always have the perfect family life with no problems that you seem to think is the norm for everyone else.

Some of the opinions expressed have been unfair, but you did invite them by posting this thread. I hope you don't let the nastier ones get to you, but take whatever help / advice / support you consider to be useful for the future.

All the best.

Sorry for the long reply, but I can sense your annoyance at some of the responses you've got. I can appreciate that some of them have been unreasonable and even off topic; but I think most people genuinely want what's best for you and your child and have offered some helpful advice and support. Please don't discount everything that's been said because of some unhelpful comments.