Think my husband has left me...

pinkladyof66

this story makes me so mad to think that they were trying for a baby for 7 years knowing that any child they had would have to suffer this type of horrible life. Why on earth did you have a baby knowing that his father was an alcoholic and wife beater !!! it is beyond me. Me and my hubbie tried for a very long time to have a baby it never happened ! We now have a lovely son 3 years old son (adopted) that was brought into this life from a family not unlike yourself and he is so troubled and we have had to really show him what a proper normal family life is all about. DITCH THIS MAN - look after your son and think of no one but him. Sadly my sons birth mother wouldnt ditch her bloke and hence we now have her son. Our dream has become her nightmare unless you ship up and get shot of him maybe your son might be another statistic too. We are the ones that have to wake up every night to console our son who has nightmares and wont sleep due to a life so horrible no one can imagine.

gingin_2

caroline78 wrote: »

Just wanted to let everyone know I am still reading the replies, and will answer as soon as baby goes down for his nap. I know some of them sound harsh but I know the majority are not meant as nasty.

Good on you Caroline. At first I thought some of the responses were harsh but I think if you look at them again, you can see that they are meant with concern for your son and yourself. Many people on here have been there and done it an come out the other side for the better. You really have to put your son first.

mildred1978

It gets better - they've been trying for another baby!!

OP, has your son had the MMR jab?

pinkladyof66

mildred1978 wrote: »

It gets better - they've been trying for another baby!!

OP, has your son had the MMR jab?

what the hell - where did you read this too have I missed something ??
:eek::eek::eek:

teabag29

Think this is what she's refering to

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/53236147#Comment_53236147

BJV

I think that everyone here is being just a little to nice and skating around the edge. Sorry.

You may or may not love or want to be with your husband but !!!

That is your choice. Your poor son who you say is the number one priority does not have a choice. Instead he sees his mum day in and day out under stress and strain brought about by his dad. That is not a healthy environment for him or you!

I have never and hope to never be in your situation so no I can not completely understand but I do know that as much as I adore my OH if my children where ever in any danger mental or physical because of him being there he would be gone.

You have to think not just of the short term but the long term as well. What messages is this sending out to your son about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Is this what you want for you and your son long term?

You sound like a decent person and you have the right to be happy and find some one who loves you for you and accepts your son.

Sorry to be harsh and I really do wish you all the best but you need to think long term about what is right for you and your son and sorry anyone who considers a blow out more important than his family is not.

chirpychick

I have actually been thinking about you all afternoon.
Firstly

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://www.alco.org.uk/alcohol2_3.htm
http://www.nacoa.org.uk/

Because you are still reading replies, I am hoping that you are taking on board what people are saying to you.

Look at the links I have provided.
Go to the GP as they will help you.
Sort out any benefits you personally are entitled too as a single parent.

If you are in a council property then you can have the locks changed for free if you are frightened of your husband (I know this because someone I know has recently experienced this).

If you are worried about yours and your sons safety, contact you local community support officer.

Your husband can be housed and he can be helped if he wants the help.

In the mean time yourself and your son need to take priority.
You ARE worth more than this.

You may love your husband but you are subjecting your son to abuse and Social services can and will take him away if you don't take action.

Nobody wants to upset you. People I think are concerned for you and your sons welfare.

I actually have some contacts with a few charities (none that I have linked to) and I have experience of helping people to get out of abusive relationships please do PM me if you want.

mildred1978

caroline78 wrote: »

My son is my number one and everything I do I put him first in.

From earlier posts:

caroline78 wrote: »

I do smoke

Excellent news for your son and his health. [/SARCASM]

caroline78 wrote: »

We normally had to get up about 6am and hubbys kids then came up about 7am to get their presents,

So hubby has even more kids he can't support due to alcoholism and joblessness?

caroline78 wrote: »

My DS (17 weeks) also has a dummy and I have been known to put a bit of jam on the end to make him keep it in his mouth...:eek:

I'm not even going to start on this.

caroline78 wrote: »

we are both unemployed (not through choice..would love to be working)

Well, what are you doing about that?

caroline78 wrote: »

Discovered that baby had a rash on Monday evening, went back to doctors and they said he had measles.

Has he had his MMR? It's extremely rare for a child who has to contract measles. If he hasn't, then I'm afraid you haven't done the best for him at all.

And this is on top of giving him an alcoholic wife batterer as a father.

And you're wanting to do it again.

Words fail me.

Pee

If my ex had controlled his drinking to the pooint where he would have six cans of beer one evening a week and the odd visit to his family when he would also drink, then I would still be with him. He would also still be alive.

There are issues about what can be afforded as a couple but it seems to me this is someone whose drinking is pretty much under control. Does he drink if he is alone with your son?

I think it's normal for someone to want to spend time with their family, and to have a drink with them if that is the usual way they socialise. A taxi of £40 is a different matter.

Also, he goes away to see his sister and you are straight on the phone telling him the baby has a rash, ok, it's the truth, but it's a bit of a coincidence, from his point of view that he goes somewhere you don't like and there is a major problem he needs to deal with.

I am not sure that your options are as limited as other's suggest, it seemed to me that he has changed and reformed with both the drinking and the domestic violence but it doesn't mean that what you have now is good enough just because it used to be worse.

amyloofoo

OP, I think you've had some very critical responses and whilst these may seem as though people are being mean to you on a personal level, I think the vast majority of them are based in fear and concern for the welfare of yourself and your child. I'm encouraged to see that you're still reading these responses and planning to reply which indicates to me that you're willing to listen and hopefully take on board some of these concerns. I know you asked people not to judge you, and I think most posters have tried hard to consider things from your perspective, but it's really, really hard to not make a judgement so sorry if it comes across as condescending.

From your original post it seems that your main concern is that your husband may have left you for good. I'm with the majority of posters who believe this could only be a good thing for yourself and your son, but I appreciate this must be upsetting and worrying for you. What's making you feel that this is more serious than his usual 'blow outs'? What's the longest he's previously been away? I know you love your husband and want to make your marriage work, but I'm sure you can see why many people would think it might actually be good if he didn't return. Have you contacted the benefits people / any of your own friends or family who may be able to help out with time, money or support if he doesn't return? I know it can look scary to face the future without your partner (and with a young child) but there are so many brave people on these board who've been through similarly tough times and come through on the other side.

It could be very beneficial for you to join a group with people who've had similar experiences. Al Anon run groups and offer support to families as well as alcoholics themselves, http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ - hopefully there's something in your area. I also agree with other posters who've suggested that it sounds as though you may have self-esteem and confidence issues (possibly linked to anxiety / depression) which make it difficult for you to imagine raising your child without your husband. Perhaps you could make an appointment to see your GP and find out about counselling / support groups in your area?

It's really important that you take on board what others have said about your child not signing up to be raised by an alcoholic father. Whatever you feel you can put up with, your child certainly can't and shouldn't be expected to. I can appreciate that when he is sober he may well be a good father, however this simply isn't good enough. He is an alcoholic who likes to binge drink and has shown he can't control his urges, which means you inherently can't trust him to be alone with your son. At most, he should be having supervised contact and certainly shouldn't be in a position when he's living with such a young child.

I know you're hoping he'll change and you're reassuring yourself that your son won't remember the bad times; however I speak from personal experience when I say that your son will DEFINITELY remember the day when the police and social services turn up at your door and give him 15 minutes to pack his possessions into bin bags as though he's trash and it's his fault he's being removed from his home. You can be the best parent in the world, but if you're living with a violent alcoholic then it's only a matter of time before social services remove your son from your custody. You will be given the option of leaving your husband and completing parenting classes or your son will only see you with supervision since they'll have shown that you're not willing to make the best decision for him. I know it seems harsh to tell you this, but it's less damaging to hear it from me than from a family services hearing.

Oh, another poster said you were trying for a baby with the same man? Obviously all of the above would apply to any future children too. Believe me, I understand what it is to desperately want children; but please, think about your personal circumstances right now and make the best decision for your kid(s) as it may be heartbreaking to not have the family you really want, but that hurt's nothing compared to not being able to see your family as a consequence of poor choices. I speak from the child's perspective and can honestly say that your child will forgive you making poor decisions initially and having him in less than perfect circumstances, but will not forgive you continuing to compound your error and making the situation worse. None of us are perfect, but it's time to stop digging.

I hope you got your money situation sorted and are getting the emotional support that you need while your husband's away.