Think my husband has left me...

caroline78

Okay I know the title is a bit weird, so I may start at the beginning, and bear in mind this is going to be a bit long and rambling.

Been with hubby for 10 years (although only married 2) and from day one I knew he had a drink problem. He was drinking a bottle of vodka a day when we first met which he has now cut back to 6 tins a beer once a week (maybe twice if the urge grabs him). His family are all alcoholics and all have severe problems, mothers walk out on their kids, kids being taken into care, several different children to several different men due to one night stands etc...

We have had problems in the past with domestic violence, not going to dwell on it because it happened a few times, then one time I had enough, phoned the police and he was charged and had to appear in court..got fined and suspended sentence, and hasn't touched me again.

We tried for 7 years to have a baby and were finally lucky enough last year and have a beautiful boy whom my hubby really dotes over. He is the one who feeds, baths and plays with him most often.

He had a sister that lived near us until trouble (of her own making, through drinking and wild parties) meant that she had to live and move 80 miles away. Now hubby would have cleared off sometimes to go to her house, which was fine whenever she was 5 minutes away but since she has moved he has also went there twice...without telling me...as he knows they will be drinking.

He last done this in January and I told him enough was enough. It cost £40 for taxi home and as we are both unemployed (not through choice..would love to be working) I can't afford this. We don't have his and her money..everything goes into one account and I control it. Hubby does get whatever he asks for, but if he was in control it would all go on drink.

Every so often he needs to have a blow out but always comes home after a few days.

This time he went last Monday. I had been up most of the night on the Sunday as our baby wasn't great, had been to doctors on Friday night and was told tonsilitis. When I got up late Monday morning, baby was in cot beside me and hubby was gone. He never took anything with him apart from his phone.

Discovered that baby had a rash on Monday evening, went back to doctors and they said he had measles. Phoned hubby, no answer so phoned his niece ( the one who's mum he would go to) and she said he was in her mums and had sold his phone. Tried to phone the nephew but he just kept hanging up. The family don't like me so not surprised at this.

I eventually got to speak to hubby on Wed, and told him son was sick and he had to come home. He told me that he went to spend time with his family and would be home on Thur and then hung up. I haven't been able to speak to him since.

Niece told me that he said he would be home on Sunday. I told her I was packing his stuff up and he could stay where he was, (empty threat), and she said no her Mum didn't want him there. Told her to tell her Mum to throw him out them, but she said my hubby would just refuse to go, which I know he would but still she could try.

Hubby was due to sign on for benefits last Thursday but didn't and therefore I will get no money this week, don't quite know what I am going to do. Son is constantly calling DaDa. I just don't know what to do. We have a holiday booked in three weeks (my parents paid for the entire family to go).

I don't want it to be over and will let him come home, (I knew what I signed up for when we got married), but how long do I let it go before I say that's it he doesn't want to come home. I just want to be able to speak to him so I can judge myself what it going on. I always paid for a taxi before but said this time I wasn't going to. Niece said her Mum was going to give him train fare, but to be honest she buys drink before she buys kids food so not holding my breath on that one.

Please don't judge hubby or myself, and I know there is nothing anyone can say but just needed to get it all out there.

Spottedleopard

I am sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you and your son are better off without him.

Someone who picks drinking over coming to see his sick child...well, im lost for words. I really am.

Spottedleopard

With regards to the money- ring up the Job centre tomorrow, explain the situation and apply for a crisis loan.

They aren't monsters, I am sure they will help you as much as they can.

caroline78

Spottedleopard wrote: »

With regards to the money- ring up the Job centre tomorrow, explain the situation and apply for a crisis loan.

They aren't monsters, I am sure they will help you as much as they can.

I phoned them on Thursday and pretended that hubby was sick, so am not sure how to apply for a loan without having to say I was lying.

Spottedleopard

caroline78 wrote: »

I phoned them on Thursday and pretended that hubby was sick, so am not sure how to apply for a loan without having to say I was lying.

Well you have kind of shot yourself in the foot there, I get you probably weren't thinking at the time and I sympathize I really do. Could your parents not lend you some money?

marisco_2

caroline78 wrote: »

Discovered that baby had a rash on Monday evening, went back to doctors and they said he had measles. Phoned hubby, no answer so phoned his niece ( the one who's mum he would go to) and she said he was in her mums and had sold his phone. Tried to phone the nephew but he just kept hanging up. The family don't like me so not surprised at this.

I eventually got to speak to hubby on Wed, and told him son was sick and he had to come home. He told me that he went to spend time with his family and would be home on Thur and then hung up. I haven't been able to speak to him since.

This may not be what you want to hear, but the above would be the last straw for me, if I had put up with all that you have. You discover that you son has measles and your husband refuses to come home and hangs up on you! Those are not the actions of a responsible, loving father or husband.

Do you want your son growing up thinking that what you tolerate from your husband is the norm in relationships? That will be the message he will be getting. It's up to you what you do next, but reading between the lines of your thread I think you are questioning why you are with your husband still. This isn't a happy life you are leading is it.

sulkisu

caroline78 wrote: »

I don't want it to be over and will let him come home, (I knew what I signed up for when we got married),

But your son didn't sign up for it, did he?

I'm sorry, I know you asked people not to judge but it is really hard not to, when just from the little bit that you have posted so far, anyone can see what life for this little boy will be like if things don't change dramatically - and it's not pretty.

You tried for seven years to have your son - please put him first.

heretolearn_2

Hi hon,

I know you said don't judge, and don't please take this the wrong way, I know how easy it is to get yourself into situations that are less than ideal

HOWEVER

you say you knew what you were taking on when you married your husband. fair enough. But your little boy didn't chose this. You have inflicted a no-good alcoholic violent 'rather go on a bender than give a toss about my really sick kid' (and measles is VERY serious) father on that poor baby.

Time to put that baby -who did not choose a father like that or a family life that that - first. Don't force your child to grow up in a household with that selfish creature. He's stuck with him for a father, but you don't have to force him to grow up with him.

Who matters most? That selfish sod or your baby? Or yourself? Put the kid first. Please. How long before he hits the baby? OR the baby sees him hitting you? Or the child works out that dad would rather get !!!!ed than be a dad? Or that dad will happily leave him to starve to go off on a bender? What do you think your kid will think of both of you then?

sulkisu

caroline78 wrote: »

I phoned them on Thursday and pretended that hubby was sick, so am not sure how to apply for a loan without having to say I was lying.

I would tell them the truth (ish) and you might find them sympathetic. I would say that OH has walked out, you thought he would be back by now and when you called before you said that he was ill because you were too embarassed to admit that he has gone and you don't know where he is.

nickj_2

why are you putting up with this man who doesn't seem to care about you or your son when you could find someone who does , although you may not think so but you'd be well better off without him , you only have one shot at life and bringing up a child - you should be having the best times of your life , not going thru this

Pixiechic

Unless you made up a different illness then you were not lying,your husband is sick, he is an alcoholic.

I have to say that after reading your post, I feel so very sorry for your little boy.

I can't believe that you so easily accept your husbands behaviour. Your son should be your priority.