Think my husband has left me...

amyloofoo

Pee wrote: »

If my ex had controlled his drinking to the pooint where he would have six cans of beer one evening a week and the odd visit to his family when he would also drink, then I would still be with him. He would also still be alive.

There are issues about what can be afforded as a couple but it seems to me this is someone whose drinking is pretty much under control. Does he drink if he is alone with your son?

I think it's normal for someone to want to spend time with their family, and to have a drink with them if that is the usual way they socialise. A taxi of £40 is a different matter.

Also, he goes away to see his sister and you are straight on the phone telling him the baby has a rash, ok, it's the truth, but it's a bit of a coincidence, from his point of view that he goes somewhere you don't like and there is a major problem he needs to deal with.

I am not sure that your options are as limited as other's suggest, it seemed to me that he has changed and reformed with both the drinking and the domestic violence but it doesn't mean that what you have now is good enough just because it used to be worse.

Okay... but he clearly hasn't controlled his drinking if he's randomly disappearing every few months for a bender. There's a difference between occasionally having a drink (which some recovered alcoholics can do) and disappearing for days on end, selling your phone, and staying at the homes of people who don't want you there any longer. Sorry Pee, but what he's doing is in no way controlled or appropriate, particularly for someone who has a young child, especially when they've been told that this child is very unwell. Whilst it may well be commendable to cut down to six cans in one evening once a week and this has undoubtedly had health benefits for him, we can't pretend that that's all of the story.

I also think it's normal to have a drink or two with your family (although it's not advisable if him and his family members are alcoholics), however I don't think it's normal to leave during the night, not tell your partner where you're going, travel 80 miles, sell your phone, overstay your welcome, refuse to talk to your partner and miss a sign-on appointment which means your wife and child will not have the money to eat until you get your backside home... I appreciate that the situation you've been in may have shown you even worse circumstances, however that doesn't make this one acceptable or normal.

Person_one

MandM90

mildred1978 wrote: »

From earlier posts:

Excellent news for your son and his health. [/SARCASM]



So hubby has even more kids he can't support due to alcoholism and joblessness?



I'm not even going to start on this.



Well, what are you doing about that?



Has he had his MMR? It's extremely rare for a child who has to contract measles. If he hasn't, then I'm afraid you haven't done the best for him at all.

And this is on top of giving him an alcoholic wife batterer as a father.

And you're wanting to do it again.

Words fail me.

Whilst I understand your feelings, I think criticising all aspects of her parenting and potentially scaring caroline78 away from responding and taking some of the good advice that's being given to her is quite unhelpful.

Surely getting away from 'the alcoholic wife batterer' is the issue here; the jam dummies and smoking can come later!

mildred1978

MandM90 wrote: »

Whilst I understand your feelings, I think criticising all aspects of her parenting and potentially scaring caroline78 away from responding and taking some of the good advice that's being given to her is quite unhelpful.

Surely getting away from 'the alcoholic wife batterer' is the issue here; the jam dummies and smoking can come later!

I'm sure she's fine. According to her online profile she's currently on the Xmas 2012 thread. So not breaking her heart over this one.

cottonhead

I am sorry to hear of the troubles you are having and trying to hold it all together whilst caring for a child must be extra hard. On top of that some people here arebeing quite critical. Yes you do need an honest opinion but you shouldnt feel its your fault or you are stupid not to have left ages ago or as one poster said, ruining your childs life. You obvioulsy put up with this not ideal situation because of one reason or another. Just because someone has a drink problem doenst mean they are a totally bad person.. Sounds like your husband has made bad choices amd behaved badly but you have obviously seen good in him too and that to me means you are forgiving and see his good points as well as his bad. You probably want a good family life and want to bring your child up with two parents etc and nobody should criticise you for that. Its not as easy as walking away as soon as your partner behaves badly becauase although you might lose the bad stuff - drinking and violence etc you are also losing a man who has been a good father , your friend and is part of your past and you have made plans for the future with. Dont feel weak or stupid - his behaviour is not your fault. You have been a victim here and you shoudl not be made to feel like the one at fault.
Having said that - 10 years is a long time and if he hasnt changed enough that you can all be happy together then perhaps living apart is better. Having doubt all the time is not goof for you or your child and might set your child up for bad relationship choices in future.
On top of what I have said - I doubt your husband is happy with his lifestyle. He risks loosing his wife and child. He has no money and is dependant on drink and has no job. He might well be feeling ashamed that he cant provide and thats why he isnt contacting you. Its easier to hide than face your fears.
Has your husband had treatment / therapy for his issues ? 10 years of unhappiness is not good. He deserves more out of life and you deserve more too. I suspect he hasnt dealt with past events and needs to get hsi head sorted so he can move on.
Can you write him a letter to explain that you love him and want to help him. Show you understand and you are there for him and then see about some counselling for his toubles and some joint relationship counselling to try and get on track. Dont deal with his familiy. You know he is alive and safe thats enough. Write to him and see what happens.
Although I think there is a chance it could work out dont just stay through habit or because of what people think or because you thin you will be worse off. You deserve a happy life and although it might take courage and a bit of work and struggle in the start it will be worth it for a happy future for you and your child. Get out and make some more friends - how about an adult learning course ? They are often free for those on certain benefits and often have creche facilities. Learn something new and make friends and do something for yourself and your confidence.
You need to make a judgement. Can your work at your marriage and turn it around once and for all or not ? Its worth trying but there has to be a time limit. Sounds weird but if you died tomorrow what would you look back and want to change ?
Hope it goes well whatever happens. X

Cat501

mildred1978 wrote: »

I'm sure she's fine. According to her online profile she's currently on the Xmas 2012 thread. So not breaking her heart over this one.

The Xmas 2012 thread??? Well, that's it for me. Burn her at the stake I say!


As if the poor lass's life wasn't !!!! enough, now she has you on her back, watching her every move and actually spending time trawling through everything she's ever posted to find stuff you disapprove of, so you can get up a nice little multi-quote post to throw more criticism at her and make her feel worse.

Very constructive I'm sure.....

mildred1978

Cat501 wrote: »

The Xmas 2012 thread??? Well, that's it for me. Burn her at the stake I say!


As if the poor lass's life wasn't !!!! enough, now she has you on her back, watching her every move and actually spending time trawling through everything she's ever posted to find stuff you disapprove of, so you can get up a nice little multi-quote post to throw more criticism at her and make her feel worse.

Very constructive I'm sure.....

Just building the picture.

Sounds like the son is the victim on all accounts.

Person_one

mildred1978 wrote: »

Just building the picture.

Sounds like the son is the victim on all accounts.

Does it make you feel better about your own neglectful husband because at least he isn't an alcoholic?

We can all see old threads.

jason1231972

Short and sweet, OP...

...don't let him leave you, inform him that you've left him!

caroline78

Okay, I have looked at all the posts, and other threads on here too ..(how dare I go onto the Christmas thread while having problems eh).

Can't remember who said what so will just try and answer what I remember.

I do NOT drink at all, think the last drink I had was half glass of wine on my wedding day. Yes I smoke, but not in the house and I know it is bad for me, but to be honest I enjoy it.

I don't have money this week but do have food and nappies so my son is NOT going without anything. My parents would help in a heartbeat if I asked.

My husband has not lifted his hands to me in years and I do NOT fear for either myself or my sons safety.

I do not see why SS would need to get involved in my life as my son has never been harmed, never went without and never suffered in any way.

My son has had his MMR and the doctors said that sometimes these do not work, yes they said it was rare but possible.

For the poster who was a bit unbelieving about my son being ill, I am so annoyed that you could possibly think that I would lie about my son being ill just to get some kind of reaction from my husband. How dare you.

I fully believe that my husband does not want to live this life as he has tried to get help before, but if anyone here has ever been in this position they will not how hard it is to get on to any kind of programme unless you are admitted to a hospital while drunk.

Hubby has come home today, and has already phoned the doctors to get an appointment to see if anything else is available to him.

I would like to thank everyone for their opinions, but do hope that some of you always have the perfect family life with no problems that you seem to think is the norm for everyone else.