Think my husband has left me...

balletshoes

caroline78 wrote: »

My son is my number one and everything I do I put him first in. I would never want him to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour, or to feel like he was second best to alcohol. However I also want him to have a mummy and a daddy. I know what I wrote above doesn't sound good, in fact it sounds horrific, but my husband really does dote on his son......

I am in tears thinking that people must think I don't care about my son if I am willing to put him through this, but when hubby is not drinking (which is the majority of the time) he is a brilliant father and husband and can't do enough for us.

You know, you're in denial OP. Your husband really does dote on his son? Maybe he does, to the best of his ability. But the best of his ability really isn't good enough, in truth, is it? He is not doting on his son when he's on a bender at his sister's house for days on end, spending money you don't have on alcohol.

You'd never want your son to grow up thinking he's second best to alcohol? But thats the reality of the situation, whether you like it or not, your son is second best to alcohol, to his Dad. He is, right now, and he is, every day, because your husband is an alcoholic who still "needs" to get ratted, over "needing" to be home with his sick child.

If you stay together, your son will see his Dad's behaviour as normal, regardless of what you say. Young children accept what they see, actions speak louder than words.

balletshoes

caroline78 wrote: »

Okay, I have looked at all the posts, and other threads on here too ..(how dare I go onto the Christmas thread while having problems eh).

Can't remember who said what so will just try and answer what I remember.

I do NOT drink at all, think the last drink I had was half glass of wine on my wedding day. Yes I smoke, but not in the house and I know it is bad for me, but to be honest I enjoy it.

I don't have money this week but do have food and nappies so my son is NOT going without anything. My parents would help in a heartbeat if I asked.

My husband has not lifted his hands to me in years and I do NOT fear for either myself or my sons safety.

I do not see why SS would need to get involved in my life as my son has never been harmed, never went without and never suffered in any way.

My son has had his MMR and the doctors said that sometimes these do not work, yes they said it was rare but possible.

For the poster who was a bit unbelieving about my son being ill, I am so annoyed that you could possibly think that I would lie about my son being ill just to get some kind of reaction from my husband. How dare you.

I fully believe that my husband does not want to live this life as he has tried to get help before, but if anyone here has ever been in this position they will not how hard it is to get on to any kind of programme unless you are admitted to a hospital while drunk.

Hubby has come home today, and has already phoned the doctors to get an appointment to see if anything else is available to him.

I would like to thank everyone for their opinions, but do hope that some of you always have the perfect family life with no problems that you seem to think is the norm for everyone else.

This post just shows how much denial you are in Caroline, I think it will be years (possibly when your own son becomes addicted) before you wake up and realise how sad, stressful and dysfunctional your home life is.

I don't think anyone pretends to have a perfect relationship or a perfect home life, but you are pretending.

Having said that, please take some of the advice thats been given on this thread, really listen at the doctor's appointment next week, and try to get some counselling for your enabling behaviour.

Spottedleopard

Was looking for an update and don't really have the time to look right through the thread. What has happened?

Spottedleopard

Never mind just seen the above post!

I hope you have made the right decision, I really do. I feel like you haven't but only you can choose I guess and its hard to leave someone behind when you love them so much- I have been there, believe me.

HOWEVER- I really do think you need to give yourself a good shake and a smack and wake up to reality and LEAVE HIM. Do you really want to see your son turn into something you obviously hate?

Caroline_a

We see this time and time again on these boards, women with just appalling badly behaved men, who are struggling through, trying to hold together some semblance of family life... which in reality has little if any chance of succeeding. I daresay some of these stories are made up (not that I'm saying this one is), but the problem is that many of these women are too afraid of the unknown to step out of what must be dreadful situations.

I can empathise to some degree - alcoholics are renowned for being 'nice guys' when they are sober. Mine was too, but he was violent and unpredictable when drunk, and I spent my life putting obstacles in his way to prevent him drinking. So for example, once he'd eaten, he rarely drank, so I would be cooking him his favourite food at stupidly early times. I thought that by doing this I could help/save him. What took the time was me to realise that I couldn't - he had to help himself. As women we are guilty of thinking we can change people, and it takes experience, and just plain being wrong to realise we can't. Some women never realise this and bounce from one disaster to another. But to all of you out there who are in similar situations - you can live alone, you can be a single parent. You will cope better and more easily, and you may even meet someone who will treat you like a princess.

What you will never do is change the spots for the leopard...

pearl123

When I was eight or nine I asked my mother to leave my alcholic father. She would not.
It's a misery living with an alcholic when you're an adult. It a horror stoy when you are a child.

BJV

I think Caroline_a & peral123 have said it all.

harrys_nan

I too lived with an alcholic (step) father and believe me it's no fun when you are used as a punch bag, me and my mum. She couldnt get any help all those years ago, even the police couldn't help in a domestic. As a child I used to pray that he would die because I was so scared of him.
Be thankful that there is help nowdays, please please take it, for your childs sake not for yours.
My mum did manage to get him to leave and he then just drunk himself to death.

dktreesea

There must be a lot of families in this situation, where the guy won't leave - he's probably in a nice enough house, maybe even paying the mortgage, and feels in control of the situation; what possible incentive, provided he doesn't fear for his safety when sleeping, is there for him to leave?

caroline78

Just an update to let everyone know that we have got on well this week. Went to the doctors on Tuesday and hubby asked for me to go with him so I heard all the information as well. They gave him tablets again, think they are called AntiAbuse and black and yellow caplets (sorry cant remember the name). The doctor also referred him for counselling, but said there is about a 6 week waiting list at the minute. Hubby seems quite keen to go.

Hopefully this time we have turned a corner, although my blinkers are off.

I would like to sincerely thank everyone on here, I know some of you won't agree to me giving him this chance, but I do feel that he has to have a chance to recitify his mistakes. I am so humbled that so many people took time out of their busy lives to let me know their opinions and also to give me some sound advice.

Thank you.