Think my husband has left me...

shellsuit

Every so often he needs to have a blow out but always comes home after a few days

Well isn't he the doting Father & husband?

I can't believe for one minute, that someone would put up with that kind of behaviour from someone who is meant to love them.

How can you be with a man who doesn't give a fig for you or his son...what exactly is the point in the relationship? Your son was/is sick, it could have been serious, yet he put the phone down and you haven't heard from him since?

I can't give any advice as I can't get my head around it all.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

He might be your husband and you might love him, but what exactly about him do you love?

caroline78

Thank you to everyone for your opinions. I do understand every single one of them, but even then I feel compelled to stick up for my husband. Although I haven't got a single good thing to pull out of this mess.

My son is my number one and everything I do I put him first in. I would never want him to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour, or to feel like he was second best to alcohol. However I also want him to have a mummy and a daddy. I know what I wrote above doesn't sound good, in fact it sounds horrific, but my husband really does dote on his son.

I do believe that he is ill, through alcohol, and needs help. And although he will agree with me, that it because he feels like that it what I want to hear, and he does stop...he once quit for 14 weeks, but always goes back to it. It has such a grip on him.

I am in tears thinking that people must think I don't care about my son if I am willing to put him through this, but when hubby is not drinking (which is the majority of the time) he is a brilliant father and husband and can't do enough for us.

Ich_2

Seriously, STOP, THINK.
A friend of mine lived with an alcoholic boyfriend for two years.
He moved about 400 miles to be with her (at her expense)
He nearly bankrupted her, he had no income but was happy to steal money from her for drink.
She had severe issues at work due to absence to look after him

9 months ago he died of a drink related issue

She has had to leave a well paid professional job that was her dream from mid-teens as she could not stay in the area it happened.
She has to attend an inquest in the near future as following domestic violence there were suspicions

Is it really worth it to stay with him?

Person_one

caroline78 wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for your opinions. I do understand every single one of them, but even then I feel compelled to stick up for my husband. Although I haven't got a single good thing to pull out of this mess.

My son is my number one and everything I do I put him first in. I would never want him to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour, or to feel like he was second best to alcohol. However I also want him to have a mummy and a daddy. I know what I wrote above doesn't sound good, in fact it sounds horrific, but my husband really does dote on his son.

I do believe that he is ill, through alcohol, and needs help. And although he will agree with me, that it because he feels like that it what I want to hear, and he does stop...he once quit for 14 weeks, but always goes back to it. It has such a grip on him.

I am in tears thinking that people must think I don't care about my son if I am willing to put him through this, but when hubby is not drinking (which is the majority of the time) he is a brilliant father and husband and can't do enough for us.

I'm sorry, but no, he doesn't. A doting parent would have rushed home as soon as he possibly could to be at his side. Measles can kill small babies, it doesn't bear thinking about but what if he'd never seen his son again and left you to deal with something that horrific on your own?

Alcoholism effects the whole family, not just the alcohol dependent member. Please find a support group in your area for families of alcoholics, you might see the future that awaits you and your son and find the strength to do what deep down you know you have to do.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/5305802.stm

"Researchers said previous studies had revealed that 70% of children of alcoholics develop compulsive behaviour around either alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work or gambling, while a half ended up marrying alcoholics."

http://addictioninfamily.com/addiction_types/children-of-substance-abusers/

"In addition,Children of alcoholics are 3-4 times more likely than others to become addicted to alcohol or other drugs themselves."

bunty109

I think you have to ask yourself if you want your son to grow up with the problems his father has with alcohol. By staying with him, that's what you risk as he grows up. Your husband doesn't dote on his son if he won't come home. My mum always said that you can tell someone's true colors when they are drunk and your husband becomes an uncaring @!*. I wouldn't want that behaviour modeled to my sons and them seeing me put up with it.

kazwookie

Father not coming home for a sick child~~ that is not a doting father.

Why are you paying out for a taxi, what is wrong with public transport, walking or push bike.

Caroline_a

I lived with a man with a drink problem. For 5 years I tiptoed round him, trying to head him away from it to avoid his verbal assaults and sometimes physical ones. Then I woke up and realised that only he could make the decision to be alcohol free. He hadn't before and I was enabling him on so many levels.

When we split it was like a huge weight falling from my shoulders. Let him go, he will destroy you and your son.

nuttyp

OP i feel really sorry for you, I can imagine you feel that your son deserves a mummy and a daddy but an alcohlic daddy??? What fun will that be as he grows up?? Youve admitted he puts his drink over his son, and even when hes really sick. Why oh why are you still defending him?? If you love him as you say you do, you have to let your husband go - it will be a sink or swim think reguarding the drink but he is old enough to make his own choices. And as for being sick no he chose to be an alcoholic, no one made him, that was his own doing and only he can save himself from it if he actually wants too.

Good luck OP, and i hope you and yr little boy have a great holiday.

theoldcynic

If your son had a partner who treated him and your grandchildren this way what would you tell him to do?

It won't be long before your son gets to an age where he starts blaming himself for your husbands behaviour, he will live an awful life wondering what he has done so wrong to be treated in this way. It is an awful legacy to leave him.

The worst thing you can do to an alcoholic is enable them. By allowing him his blowouts and accepting his inconsistencies you are enabling him. He is a sick sick man and you need to walk away. Look at that link and read about enabling behaviours. I mean no criticism when I say this, it is so easy to fall in that trap.

Person_one is right, alcoholism is a family disease, it is highly likely your son will develop issues too. I have seen it many times it before, in one case one father had the illness and died leaving two sons with multiple addictions. If you don't walk away you have to really really hope your son does not become one of those statistics.

If you love your son and this man, you will walk away.

Please seek help yourself, you will need a lot of support. A break away without your husband will probably do you the world of good and help you put some perspective on the situation. Will one or both of your parents come with you instead? What are their views on all this?

I wish you well x

consultant31

I feel so sorry for you and your little boy

However, you are enabling him by allowing him to treat you this way. If you want him to change, you have to make him realise he will lose everything if he doesn't.

He has to be the one to wants to change and actively seek the help he needs. I don't think he 'chose' to be an alcoholic as the previous poster says - it is an addiction, an illness if you like, but he needs professional help to kick it.......you're too involved emotionally to be any help.

I would tell him he can't come home until he has enrolled with AA and started to show real signs of wanting help.

If you had a daughter (or best friend) who was living your life, what would you advise her to do??

Good luck, stand firm and give your little boy ALL of your love, he really deserves it.