Think it could be over - dont know what to do...

weegie_2

don't usually post to this board but after reading through everything thought I would. I've also read your other two posts that you linked to.

I honestly don't think you two are destined to be together - from the sounds of it you are exactly as pink butterfly says. Mates. There is more cons on that list than anything and I don't see anywhere on the pro's list where you actually mention that you are still in love with her.

I've been married nearly 7 years now, been together for 9. Two kids and I'm only 31. We have our usual ups and downs but at the end of the day I love my husband to pieces and I can't imagine life without him. Can you imagine life without her - I think so. I think your just scared of hurting her....but you know if she so desperately wants the whole marriage/kids thing I think that she will find it no problem as soon as she is single again. She's still very young.

What would your advice be if one of your mates was going through something like this?

Don't get stuck with marriage and kids if it is not what you want for quite a while. Seriously, you'll regret it so much.

BlondeHeadOn

Oh jon_E_begood, if you are at the stage of writing 'pros and cons' lists, believe me - it's over!

I have done this so many times in the past for various relationships, and I finally realised that I could tell when a relationship was coming to an end when (a) I started telling everyone about it and asking people what I should do, and (b) wrote a list of 'pros and cons' of why I should stay with that person.

It's painful to end things, but think about how long you can stand to be in this situation - 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years..... if you don't act soon you caould be several months/years down the line and still in the same stalemate.

I am now married to a fantastic man who is my best friend as well - and I can't even begin to imagine needing a 'pros and cons' list for anything to do with him!

All hugs and best wishes to you - you sound like a lovely sensitive bloke, and there will be lots of girls out there who will be happy to meet you........:D

:grouphug:

ilovebooks_2

jon_E_begood wrote: »

Of staying together/marriage .....

Pro's:

- Cuddles/affection - we're both touchy feely people...
- Lots of common interests.
- We can and do have a laugh together sometimes.
-Shared house
-Shared dog
-Get on well with each others family.
-Have lots of mutual friends and a social life around this.
- In a comfortable routine.
- Financially comfortable together
(shouldn't one of the pros have been you love her? You sound like you want to be her friend not her life partner. Sorry not trying to judge!
Cons:

-Fear of further loss of independence.
- Lack of excitement/passion. I am sure that happens to most couples myself included
-Ever continuing arguements over going out and where my priorities lie.
-Feeling disrespected and belittled by name calling/abuse privately and in public. This is just wrong and I would not do that to my hubby nor would he to me
- Weight of expectation (re:marriage etc) from partner and her family.
-Feeling of excitement/enjoyment when planning time away from gf..
-Feeling of nothing i do ever being good enough...(ie: do some cleaning and being told it's rubbish , buy flowers - you know i dont like those type..) that's not respectful of your partner and would make me not want to bother doing anything for them
- Embarrassing lack of tact/diplomacy/care shown by gf when speaking to anyone (inc me + my family) - believes speaking her mind and damn the consequences... If she can lack empathy for her partner and can not see his point of view then she does not deserve to have a partner
-GF's lack of ambition beyond marriage/kids and part time work... Sorry this I can relate to in some way. Some women were born to be mums and wives and not be driven by a career. Nothing wrong with that. But if you have a problem with it then that is something that you need to sort out in your head.
-My ambition to see more of world and maybe work abroad... then do it or you will kick yourself. If she is not with you on this then leave her behind.

Think thats everything....not sure it helps though....

I read your other dilemma's and I don't think you are right for each other. I have been married for 12 years and we have had some serious ups and downs but we respect each other. He goes fishing every other weekend and I am fine about it and he has a week away fishing with his friends and I don't mind. I worry about the financial side but I am ok with him being away. I just thought I would voice my opinion, hope it does not offend. Seems like you both have different wants out of life, nothing wrong with that at all - you are just not good together. Hope you can both sort out your situation amicably.

lush_walrus

Phew what a lot to read through! I hate to say it, but looking at your pros and cons above I don't think it's looking very good and at the very least you definately need a break (my thinking is that the pressure of GFs wants may be increasing the list of cons).

Just looking at the list of pros, everything seems to fit into either ease of staying together or comfort, there is nothing there that you would expect. Such as I don't know you laugh together (well bar cuddling which is relatively easy to replace), or whatever. Similarily all of the cons are things that represent either nagging or you feeling downtroden and all come down to actual problems you feel she is creating.

Like I say, it may be that it's easier to write the cons at the moment as neither of you are happy at the moment. But really try to think about whether there is any joy left in knowing/being with each other? Only you really know the answer to that.

From the side of her wanting to settle down etc, could it be that she is intentionally pushing for it because she has a feeling it might be either the straw that broke the camels back, or a chance for you to really think about it?

Late 20s is a very strange time for girls I think, for a lot its the first time they actually consider whether they want children or not. I know for me and quite a few friends thats the case. In our late 20s I would guess more than half of us split from long term relationships, just because we realised that we were changing. In my case for the first time I started to consider what I wanted in teh long term, ie could I imagine spending the rest of my life with my then BF. For me the answer was no, and without any real reason (or at least any change in our relationship) I decided to split. Was the most confussing thing I have ever done, as on one hand I was totally happy and really liked him, but on the other I really knew deep down inside that he wasn't the man I would want to be a father etc.

Not sure if that makes sense and I don't want to put added pressure on, but do have a proper think about what you want, and try to encourage her to do the same. Remove all of the complicated bits and try to think on a very basic level of can you imagine being happy in 10 years? If the answer is no, you should just let it go without hanging it out any longer. If she wants children, then the fair thing to do would be to get on with deciding, so that she has a chance to meet someone else in time to have them, rather than leave it as is for another 4 years.

ktb

I agree with the posters above... you sound like mates more than a couple. It's going to be hard to break up after over 6 years together but it sounds like it'll be for the best for you both. I'm a big believer in trusting your instincts - have you been really honest with yourself about what YOU want? deep down inside you will know one way or the other.

My OH and I have slightly varying views on the marriage and kids stuff - I am 27 but he is 4 years younger than me so I can understand his concerns. He has known I am very keen to have a family literally since the day we met (as I needed him to know that if we were going to start a relationship & an 'accident' were to happen I would want to keep it) so it has always been something we are able to discuss. Almost 2 years down the line we have agreed to now spend 18 months paying off debt/saving and are then going to spend 6 months snowboarding in Canada together.

That way he gets to 'live a little' in the same ways I did at his age and I know that he is totally committed to me and isnt scared of planning the future together persay - he just doesnt want kids right now. Occasionaly when I get really broody he does feel affected as he feels he is holding me back from what I really want but we always talk about it and agree that the long term plan is actually what we both want.

I certainly cant ever imagine giving him an ultimatum about it or threatening to do something to our contraception :eek: that would totally irradicate the trust & respect that I believe are completely fundamental to a proper relationship.

I hope you both find happiness without each other - it certainly doesnt sound like you have all the elements to make it work together.

hobo28

Dude, look at your list. The answer is obvious. Bite the bullet and finish it.

jon_E_begood

lush_walrus wrote: »

Phew what a lot to read through! I hate to say it, but looking at your pros and cons above I don't think it's looking very good and at the very least you definately need a break (my thinking is that the pressure of GFs wants may be increasing the list of cons).

Just looking at the list of pros, everything seems to fit into either ease of staying together or comfort, there is nothing there that you would expect. Such as I don't know you laugh together (well bar cuddling which is relatively easy to replace), or whatever. Similarily all of the cons are things that represent either nagging or you feeling downtroden and all come down to actual problems you feel she is creating.

Like I say, it may be that it's easier to write the cons at the moment as neither of you are happy at the moment. But really try to think about whether there is any joy left in knowing/being with each other? Only you really know the answer to that.

From the side of her wanting to settle down etc, could it be that she is intentionally pushing for it because she has a feeling it might be either the straw that broke the camels back, or a chance for you to really think about it?

Late 20s is a very strange time for girls I think, for a lot its the first time they actually consider whether they want children or not. I know for me and quite a few friends thats the case. In our late 20s I would guess more than half of us split from long term relationships, just because we realised that we were changing. In my case for the first time I started to consider what I wanted in teh long term, ie could I imagine spending the rest of my life with my then BF. For me the answer was no, and without any real reason (or at least any change in our relationship) I decided to split. Was the most confussing thing I have ever done, as on one hand I was totally happy and really liked him, but on the other I really knew deep down inside that he wasn't the man I would want to be a father etc.

Not sure if that makes sense and I don't want to put added pressure on, but do have a proper think about what you want, and try to encourage her to do the same. Remove all of the complicated bits and try to think on a very basic level of can you imagine being happy in 10 years? If the answer is no, you should just let it go without hanging it out any longer. If she wants children, then the fair thing to do would be to get on with deciding, so that she has a chance to meet someone else in time to have them, rather than leave it as is for another 4 years.

and its good to get a perspective from a woman who's been through something similar. I did say that we do have a laugh together which is true - though maybe not as much recently as we used to...Doing what you say and thinking on a basic level i dont want to be feeling how im feeling now in 10 years and sure she doesnt either.... So difficult though because the other option causes so much hurt now and i really dont want to hurt her as i genuinely care about her..

Dont think a trial seperation is realistic and she wouldnt want that as she's very balck and white and wouldnt want to drag it out - me neither to that matter...

debsy42

I was with one fella for 10 years, went nowhere and what a waste of my life that was. Next fella finished with me five weeks before we were due to get married !!! Now I've met the love of my life at the age of 39 and I feel like my life is just raring to go. Don't think that this is the end of world, it's the beginning of the rest of your life. Good Luck and believe me, life goes on.

Scarlett1

jon_E_begood wrote: »

she's very balck and white and wouldnt want to drag it out - me neither to that matter...

you have your answer there, she wants commitment and unless she gets it she is going to walk, so you have 2 options, go with the flow and make an honest woman of her or split up and let her find someone who will give her what she wants

I read your pros and cons and your cons outweight the pros, infact the pros is what you can have with any woman it doesnt have to be just with your girlfriend, and a couple of them are actually material possessions which shouldnt tie you to a relationship, and to be honest if any partner of mine talked to me the way you get talked too I would have done a runner ages ago

bunty109

You have obviously been struggling with how you feel for 6 months now and still feel no differently. You've more strong cons than pros on your list and this girl is threatening to get herself pregnant......to me you have your answer.

She really won't think you are doing her any favours by ending it, but I think you would be. She needs to realise that a relationship is about give and take, and I think maybe you both need to find "the one" who you just know you really want this kind of committment with. It's something you certainly don't seem to have, and I get the impression she just wants the baby and marriage and hasn't really thought past that.

Good luck x