Think it could be over - dont know what to do...

weegie_2

oh for god's sake. Leave her! It's got "doomed" written all over it. Stop umming and awing - the answers are all here in this thread. Tonight when you go home finish it.

bunty109

Your friend has only said what you've said about her yourself, surely?

You've agreed to marry this girl you're not sure you want to marry and are now facing losing friends over this. You've done nothing to say that maybe your friend has a point so I can only assume that this is because part of you wants to carry on this way.

It would be very hard to agree with your friend and she will be bitterly hurt, but how hurt is she going to be if you enf up married with a child and only then decide to stand up to her and leave?

EthelBloggs

jon_E_begood wrote: »

Got interrupted and for obvious reasons couldnt continue.... so after a night out with other couples one of my close friends went on a drunken rant at gf saying how he she often spoke to me inparticular and everyone in our cirle at some point like they were something she had trod in. He said it was embarrassing and demeaning for me, him and everyone else when she does it. He basically said he couldnt stand it any longer and had to say something. It came out of the blue to me but he's since (when sober) semi apologised for the way he did it but said he wont take it back as he basically stood by a lot of what he said and that it had been building up for some months. So now my gf understandably wants nothing more to do with him & his partner and by association this means many of the things we did as a group of friends will now not be possible because whilst she's said it shouldnt stop me seeing him/them in reality i wouldnt feel right leaving her and frankly would feel uncomfortable with them anyway thinking they had all been whispering about me. So just when things seemed to be settling down it goes and gets worse and it now seems inevitable we'll become isolated from a group of friends. Its probably worse for my gf (though she says she isnt bothered) because I have other single friends who i still see regularly and more so than i saw the friends above - she doesnt have this so much so it leaves us and ours family's for her.

So there you go, answers on a postcard.. I've actually started looking at emigraton websites recently...dont know wheher thats a good or bad sign...

Haven't you said the same about her? Surely from this she should have realised that it's not just you moaning if other people have noticed it too.. I'd be mortified in her shoes and maybe taken it as a cue to look at some of my behaviour... as it is you're going to be isolated further into her little world.. is that going to be enough for you?

It seems as tho she wants everything her own way.. and life isn't like that and it does seem to be as tho you and she don't belong together.. thinking about emigrating to escape her is a bit extreme tho :eek:

jon_E_begood

EthelBloggs wrote: »

Haven't you said the same about her? Surely from this she should have realised that it's not just you moaning if other people have noticed it too.. I'd be mortified in her shoes and maybe taken it as a cue to look at some of my behaviour... as it is you're going to be isolated further into her little world.. is that going to be enough for you?

It seems as tho she wants everything her own way.. and life isn't like that and it does seem to be as tho you and she don't belong together.. thinking about emigrating to escape her is a bit extreme tho :eek:

Well i can see how it would seem extreme however it has always been a bit of an ambition anyway though not one that i have shared with gf.. The thing is because my friend said what he said completely out of the blue, unprovoked and drunk and my gf didnt react and kept her cool he just looked like drunken idiot and frankly i was annoyed with him because he's now put me in a rubbish situation and felt sorry for my gf. However this doesnt take away from the fact that clearly he and others have been saying things similar to what i have been thinking for a while so like you say maybe its not just me as my gf has often said....

It would be a lot easier if i was hard hearted and didnt care about hurting her but i do. She isnt a monster, is very affectionate, constantly tells me she loves me (and asks me in return as she says my lack of committment shows i dont) and can be very thoughtful and caring. So i dont know if i hasve it in me to destroy her as i know i would by leaving her. I came as close as i ever have the other week but fell at the final hurdle because i couldnt stand seeing her so distraught...Now we're back where we were but with further complictions...

EthelBloggs

Yeah but... if you stay so as not to destroy her... would you be destroying yourself in the process? If you did break up, of course it would be devastating but time heals and you'd both get over it.. and it would be far better to do that now than to wait 5 years when you're married and got a kid and one on the way and realise you can't take anymore..

I dunno.. relationships are a tricky business at the best of times and I'm probably the worst person to give advice, I will say however, that I was in your shoes, and I didn't want to hurt him so went ahead and married him and had kids and we're divorced now. Things got much worse, he was constantly insecure because he felt that my heart really wasn't in it, this led to him drinking and eventually becoming an alcoholic and being very abusive, both physically and mentally towards me. I so often look back and wish I had left him much much sooner, so much less heartache would have been caused.

dianadors

It takes 2 people who are in love to make a succesful relationship work. I know now that my first husband was in your shoes when we got married, and he didnt love me, but we had been together for a long time and were great friends and I think he didnt want to be the bad guy by hurting me - so we got married. As I have said before, we only lasted 7 years after that and the pain of a divorce and failed marriage was much worse. You would have to be strong to split with her as she sounds very "needy". You'll find that even though you dont want to cheat on her, if you stay , that is what will happen. You'll find "the one" and that will give you the impetus to go. And that will hurt her even more. My heart goes out to both of you - its hard, but its life.

jon_E_begood

dianadors wrote: »

It takes 2 people who are in love to make a succesful relationship work. I know now that my first husband was in your shoes when we got married, and he didnt love me, but we had been together for a long time and were great friends and I think he didnt want to be the bad guy by hurting me - so we got married. As I have said before, we only lasted 7 years after that and the pain of a divorce and failed marriage was much worse. You would have to be strong to split with her as she sounds very "needy". You'll find that even though you dont want to cheat on her, if you stay , that is what will happen. You'll find "the one" and that will give you the impetus to go. And that will hurt her even more. My heart goes out to both of you - its hard, but its life.

I know what you mean about cheating, i dont agree with it but have found myself tempted on occassion..I think your right about the similarities with your husband - i do worry about everyone thinking i'm a b*****d even work people (we work for same large co.) Having been part of something for so long it just seems so scary and i dont know how i would do it. Tried it once and failed - now she's waiting for me to confirm the engagement! If i try again i might end up married!

bunty109

jon_E_begood wrote: »

I know what you mean about cheating, i dont agree with it but have found myself tempted on occassion..I think your right about the similarities with your husband - i do worry about everyone thinking i'm a b*****d even work people (we work for same large co.) Having been part of something for so long it just seems so scary and i dont know how i would do it. Tried it once and failed - now she's waiting for me to confirm the engagement! If i try again i might end up married!

The way you are headed, you'll get married anyway just to be polite!

You only have one life. Live it!

lush_walrus

dianadors wrote: »

You would have to be strong to split with her as she sounds very "needy". You'll find that even though you dont want to cheat on her, if you stay , that is what will happen. You'll find "the one" and that will give you the impetus to go. And that will hurt her even more. My heart goes out to both of you - its hard, but its life.

Completely agree with you, although I have to say I thought manipulative may be also applicable.

I really think that now is the time to actually step back and think and ignore how you think she will feel. Everyone hurts when they split up, even the person doing the splitting, but given time 99% of the people will repair themselves, it really is just part of life.

The fact that she made an excuse the moment you left does make me think she knows how to work you. On some, that tactic would just make the situation worse, but on you it worked and got you back talking. I am not saying that in itself is a bad thing, as everyone has done something like that. But, what it didn't do is give you a chance to think, which is the bad part. My guess is your friend has seen this as a chance to tell you what he has been thinking and to make a final last ditch attempt to wake you up and get you away from her. As happens in a lot of these situations, it didnt work and sounds like it is going to backfire on him.

Just try to think of you now, as OP said you are really just delaying the inevitable by the sounds of it, which won't make it any less hurtful, and indeed may make it worse.

mountainofdebt

I could have this totally wrong of course but sounds to me like in a month's time you'll be posting that she's pregnant and wants to get married before the baby is born.

In fact I'd put money on it