Think it could be over - dont know what to do...

bunty109

jon_E_begood wrote: »

The dog situation is an added complication i could do without but which will have to be sorted if we do part....As i've said before though the whole trial seperatiob thing is nit an idea she will entertain anyway - her world is very back and white, we're either together or not full stop. Also theres the whole family thing to take into account and putting them through the whole "on - off - on" thing wouldnt be something either of us would want...

I think the only way you could possibly "take a break" is to end it. As you say she is very black and white over matters. She will probably still want to be with you if you end it, but at least by saying it is over it means you can walk away if that's what you ultimately decide to do. If you decide she's the one, then you may have some grovelling to do (and have to be prepared to get engaged etc asap I suspect), but at least you haven't left her in limbo, hoping she could sway your decision.

It's a toughie and it involves a risk: for all anyone knows you may leave and she could find someone else! But I think you certainly need space and I sense the only way you will get it is to end it.

Errata

Trying to be pragmatic.
Everything is black or white - mature people understand that isn't the case and things are mostly different shades of grey.
Family - they are not in the relationship, you are and how they react to any decision you make is their responsibility not yours. You are not responsible for the family's happiness and they should care enough about you to respect any decision you make even when they don't agree with it.
The dog - the dog will miss you, but not as much as you will miss it. Dogs have short memories and if it's happy with her that will be enough for the dog.
You won't find contentment trying to make her, the family and the dog happy if it doesn't make you happy, and you'll probably fail. Why not put your needs first for once, no-one else seems to be doing that.

jon_E_begood

Errata wrote: »

Trying to be pragmatic.
Everything is black or white - mature people understand that isn't the case and things are mostly different shades of grey.
Family - they are not in the relationship, you are and how they react to any decision you make is their responsibility not yours. You are not responsible for the family's happiness and they should care enough about you to respect any decision you make even when they don't agree with it.
The dog - the dog will miss you, but not as much as you will miss it. Dogs have short memories and if it's happy with her that will be enough for the dog.
You won't find contentment trying to make her, the family and the dog happy if it doesn't make you happy, and you'll probably fail. Why not put your needs first for once, no-one else seems to be doing that.

I know your right and have tried the cool pragmatic approach before which has resulted in me being accused of not giving a s**t. However this feeling deep down in my gut wont go away and she ca tell i'm not happy so something will have to give soon...

dianadors

The main reason I dragged hubby no1 down the aisle was because of pressure from family. They couldnt understand why after 5 years and buying a house together we werent planning on getting married. I had serious doubts, but thought everyone else must be right. On the surface of it, we should have lasted forever. We had known each other all our lives, got on great, had a beautiful home and no money worries. When we finally split, again there was huge pressure from both families and I decided at that stage for the first time in my life to make myself happy and not others. It was a huge turning point in my life. Parents want whats best for their kids, but they dont always know what this is. I can only tell you that since I stopped trying to please others so much, my life has been my own, and I have been much happier - you dont have to be a s*it -but looking back now its the time that you probably "grow up". I did dither when we split up wondering if I was doing the right thing, but I wasnt happy and I realised that I wouldnt be any unhappier on my own. I have to say too that the moment that I left, even though emotionally it was really tough and continued to be so for almost a year, I knew I had done the right thing and my only regret was that I hadnt done it sooner.
My new hubby and I have been together for 18 years and I have been (and still am) as happy as a human being could possibly be - apart from one really really bad patch (which we thankfully survived intact and stronger than ever). I would have done anything and everything to keep us together, and if he had asked for time apart, as opposed to ending it, I would have done it - because I love him. As the previous poster said, life is not black and white. There's a heck of a lot of grey areas.

jon_E_begood

dianadors wrote: »

The main reason I dragged hubby no1 down the aisle was because of pressure from family. They couldnt understand why after 5 years and buying a house together we werent planning on getting married. I had serious doubts, but thought everyone else must be right. On the surface of it, we should have lasted forever. We had known each other all our lives, got on great, had a beautiful home and no money worries. When we finally split, again there was huge pressure from both families and I decided at that stage for the first time in my life to make myself happy and not others. It was a huge turning point in my life. Parents want whats best for their kids, but they dont always know what this is. I can only tell you that since I stopped trying to please others so much, my life has been my own, and I have been much happier - you dont have to be a s*it -but looking back now its the time that you probably "grow up". I did dither when we split up wondering if I was doing the right thing, but I wasnt happy and I realised that I wouldnt be any unhappier on my own. I have to say too that the moment that I left, even though emotionally it was really tough and continued to be so for almost a year, I knew I had done the right thing and my only regret was that I hadnt done it sooner.
My new hubby and I have been together for 18 years and I have been (and still am) as happy as a human being could possibly be - apart from one really really bad patch (which we thankfully survived intact and stronger than ever). I would have done anything and everything to keep us together, and if he had asked for time apart, as opposed to ending it, I would have done it - because I love him. As the previous poster said, life is not black and white. There's a heck of a lot of grey areas.

Thanks for an inspiring story...hopefully in 18 yrs time i'll look back and know that i made the right decision for me(whatever that is) at this turning point...