Think it could be over - dont know what to do...

celyn90

Jon, I feel for you I really do and I hope it all works out for you. I don't really know what to say but hope that you can sort everything out and be happy.

I wondered why my former partner would never commit (although I never asked about it as I'm an old fashioned girl at heart). In the end I left the relationship - the very last straw in a line of problems was him telling me he thought I was having an affair (which I wasn't, I was just very unhappy). Although it hurt I now know it was the best thing to do and don't regret either leaving or the time I spent with him. I always felt I was hanging on by a thread - and I realise that marriage wouldn't have solved the problems as they ran far deeper - we couldn't have papered over the gaps with a ceremony. Both of you have to be absolutly certain that you are ready for marriage and especially for children as they are a lifelong commitment.

I think one of the most important things to realise in a relationship is that people are not the same. You are allowed to have differences of opinion and interest and these should be respected. I would go crazy if I was expected to do everything alongside a partner and I have always afforded them the same freedom. Part of loving someone - as my Mum always says - is to give them roots and wings, that they feel secure and happy to return to you but are able to be themselves and be respected for it. A relationship should allow for growth of both partners ideally.

I think you should ask her if she is unhappy and what she wants and more importantly why she wants it and why it is so important to her.

I realised it wasn't commitment I wanted, simply to feel loved and secure and that was what was missing for me. Wishing you all the best, cel x

dianadors

Look at it another way - you wouldnt be destroying her if you let her go. You would be releasing her to find someone who truly loved her and would give her what she needs. Its cruel to marry someone you dont love. You are also being a mouse and not a man. We ladies like Knights in shining armour that can slay dragons - so shape up!!!! I was married to someone who didnt love me and I could feel that every day - having to ask someone to tell you that they love you etc etc. Being engaged, married, having kids etc will not make you feel any different, and it wont make her feel any different either. Its hard to live with someone you dont love, and its hard to live with someone who doesnt love you. I am now married to someone who I can feel loves me and the difference is amazing.

Its really easy for us on the outside looking in, but I do know how hard this all is. But some of us know that you are allowing yourself to drift into a life that isnt what you want. I know that blokes dont talk to each other like us girls do, but it might be worth having a talk with your mate (when hes sober) and telling him how you feel. If you do split, you will be the bad guy in a lot of people's eyes (parents, work colleagues etc) and you will need someone in your corner.
Just to let you know what happened to me and hubby no1 - I did literally drag him down the aisle, and I can see that now - he just went along with the whole thing because when he put up a fight, I was distraught. I caught him sobbing his eyes out on the first day of our honeymoon (and I had never seen him cry before) and I knew why. We got on great, we had known each other for ever and had lots in common -but I loved him and he didnt love me. He had an affair with someone he worked with, but when I found out, he didnt want us to split up, but he did keep seeing this other girl. This went on for months, until I found a shoulder to cry on, and fell in love. I ended up leaving and being the bad guy in everyones eyes, and he kept his saintly image. The fall out from it all was horrendous, but having my new love made it bearable. My parents and family wouldnt speak to me, most of my friends dropped me and I lost my job (indirectly) because of it. But once you hit rock bottom, you start to come up again. All of this happened 18 years ago, and I'm still learning from the experience.

jon_E_begood

dianadors wrote: »

Look at it another way - you wouldnt be destroying her if you let her go. You would be releasing her to find someone who truly loved her and would give her what she needs. Its cruel to marry someone you dont love. You are also being a mouse and not a man. We ladies like Knights in shining armour that can slay dragons - so shape up!!!! I was married to someone who didnt love me and I could feel that every day - having to ask someone to tell you that they love you etc etc. Being engaged, married, having kids etc will not make you feel any different, and it wont make her feel any different either. Its hard to live with someone you dont love, and its hard to live with someone who doesnt love you. I am now married to someone who I can feel loves me and the difference is amazing.

Its really easy for us on the outside looking in, but I do know how hard this all is. But some of us know that you are allowing yourself to drift into a life that isnt what you want. I know that blokes dont talk to each other like us girls do, but it might be worth having a talk with your mate (when hes sober) and telling him how you feel. If you do split, you will be the bad guy in a lot of people's eyes (parents, work colleagues etc) and you will need someone in your corner.
Just to let you know what happened to me and hubby no1 - I did literally drag him down the aisle, and I can see that now - he just went along with the whole thing because when he put up a fight, I was distraught. I caught him sobbing his eyes out on the first day of our honeymoon (and I had never seen him cry before) and I knew why. We got on great, we had known each other for ever and had lots in common -but I loved him and he didnt love me. He had an affair with someone he worked with, but when I found out, he didnt want us to split up, but he did keep seeing this other girl. This went on for months, until I found a shoulder to cry on, and fell in love. I ended up leaving and being the bad guy in everyones eyes, and he kept his saintly image. The fall out from it all was horrendous, but having my new love made it bearable. My parents and family wouldnt speak to me, most of my friends dropped me and I lost my job (indirectly) because of it. But once you hit rock bottom, you start to come up again. All of this happened 18 years ago, and I'm still learning from the experience.

Thanks. I really dont want to end up like your ex did and your story is an example to me of what not to do. Like you say though its a case of trying to find the courage and stop being a spineless mouse - i know what i am and waht others probably think...

Justie

I was just catching up on the thread and thinking 'grow a spine man'... Your GF is using emotional blackmail to keep you in the relationship. Love should be unconditional or it's no love at all and if she's only saying she loves you to hear you say it back then it aint love...

You need to decide what YOU want, not what you think your mates will say or what work will say or whether you'll be hurting your GF but whether actually by staying you're just torturing her to save face... IF you want to be with her and can't imagine life without her then fine work it out but it sounds more and more like you're saying things you think she wants to hear to save the tears.

I am usually in the camp of work at it and it'll be worth it but if you can't even communicate then it's over already... It sounds like both of you need to do some growing up.

Carmina_Piranha_3

so this was a bunch of couples who hate the way your gf talks to you ... not single males who don't think you should be tied to a girl in the first place but couples. men whose girlfriends don't speak to them like dirt.

i'm not going to call you spineless or a mouse - it's perfectly natural not to want to see somebody you've been with for years distraught, she's probably your best friend, or should be.

but has she actually acknowledged that the way she speaks to you is unacceptable - has she realised that most girls wouldn't dream of belittling the man they love in front of a crowd? has she said she will change?

dianadors

You will make "the right one" a really great husband one day - you sound so nice and I feel awful calling you a mouse!!! You remind me a bit of hubby no 2!! He was engaged to about 7 different girls before he married his 1st wife, because he didnt know how to "dump" them - and this is how he ended up with wife no.1!!!!
In life you are a natural "dumper" or "dumpee". I wish I could send both you and your girlfriend some courage.

jon_E_begood

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

so this was a bunch of couples who hate the way your gf talks to you ... not single males who don't think you should be tied to a girl in the first place but couples. men whose girlfriends don't speak to them like dirt.

i'm not going to call you spineless or a mouse - it's perfectly natural not to want to see somebody you've been with for years distraught, she's probably your best friend, or should be.

but has she actually acknowledged that the way she speaks to you is unacceptable - has she realised that most girls wouldn't dream of belittling the man they love in front of a crowd? has she said she will change?

Well yeah my friends partner agreed with him and they said other couples had noticed it too.... She has been off with me in public in the past and i've had it out with her but she cant see it, its just the way she is with everyone including her own family - she just says i'm being over sensitive and doesnt think there is anything wrong with her behaviour. She also says i can be off with her but this is usually when i disagree with her or say i'm going to do something she doesnt want me to - this she says is why she speaks to me like this... But this isnt all the time and i dont want to blow it out of proportion - however it has and does happen periodically in public and private.

Errata

Put the shoe on the other foot. If a man constantly belittled his female partner in public and in private and bullied through manipulation to get their own way it could be construed as psychological domestic violence. Think about it.

tudorfan22

jon

you sound really sensitive - it takes a lot to open up to a bunch of people on the net. it sounds like you arent the one with the problem, you obviously are putting a lot of time and effort into this relationship and it shows that you care a lot about this.

sorry i have no advice other than to do what feels right, its important that in 10 years you can look in the mirror and say you did things for the best!

good luck

seven-day-weekend

All I have to say is, do NOT get married unless you are sure, no matter how upset she is. It will be all the more upsetting for you both later.

I have been married for 35 years, and most of it has been good, but like any long relationship there have been times (well one time really) when it was not so good.

But even during what was (for us) a bad time, the commitment to each other was always there. It wasn't a case of 'if we do this, this and that, we'll stay together', it was 'we are going to be together come what may, so let's get things back how they should be'. Not being together wasn't an option that ever came into the equation, neither of us ever questioned it, or ever have, throughout our long relationship.

You do not seem to have that commitment to your relationship. There is nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong would be to get married without the commitment.

I wish you well.