Think it could be over - dont know what to do...

jon_E_begood

Hi,

GF told me this morning that we "need to have a talk" tonight and i've a feeling it could be the end of our 6.5 yr relationship. It all boils down to the same issue which has been causing us problems for probably 2 yrs now. Im 28 , she's 26 - she wants marriage+kids asap, I'm in no rush and pretty stubborn. I could almost see it coming as we've spent the weekend with friends with a toddler and another couple recently married. I've been having doubts about the relationship for a while now and whilst we dont fight as much as we used to and get on pretty well there just doesnt seem to be a "spark" if you know what i mean and this def includes the physical stuff.

She was pretty upset when she told me this morning that we needed to talk and i hate to see her this way so it would be easy for me to say what she wants me to say tonight...I dont know if its me, maybe i'm abnormal but something is holding me back from taking the plunge so to speak. She always tells me how i'm not 18 anymore so need to stop thinking i am and grow up and maybe she's right but i just dont feel ready for the whole marriage + kids thing yet... We have a house so it's not like there is no commitment and my so called "18 yr olds life" now sees me going out maybe once a fortnight with friends which it still seems is too much...

Really dont know what i'm going to say tonight...such a mess... I have posted on here before regarding this under this user and ezlife? if anyone is interested enough to want to know more of the history..

Any advice from anyone who's been through something similar would be greatly appreciated....

Karrie

If there's doubt, then something is not right. Can't give you any advice really except you both have to want the same thing out of life.

Good luck

Katmc2k

hi

I don't know where you are based, but I used to work for Scottish Marriage Care a specialist relationship counselling organisation and I cannot recommend professional relationship counselling enough. The sister orgs are Marriage Care in E/W and ACCORD in N.I. Despite the name you don't have to be married to go, (or even in a relationship) they can usually see you within a few weeks and the counsellors are highly skilled with a professional diploma from university. There is no compulsory charge but each counselling session costs £30 to run, so whatever you can afford.

It can help to keep the relationship together, or if you decide its not going to work, it can help you cope with it ending. And its not 'tea and sympathy' but together you work out practical ways to move forward.

I don't work for them anymore so i'm not shamelessly peddling my own charity or anything! But I was SO impressed with their work and the results they had when I did work there that I would recommend them to anyone. They are a dedicated and hard working bunch and many many people from all backgrounds are helped if they are open to going. If you type their name into a search engine you will find them, for balance I should also say there is also Relate and Relate Scotland.

Good luck. x

Justie

If there's something holding you back from further commitment then you need to ask yourself if it's because your GF isn't the person you want to be with forever and get old with or if it's that you're just not at that place yet where you want to take that step. Everyone is different. I wanted to get married desperately but it took my OH longer than me to think that was what he wanted. After we got married I wondered what all the fuss was about and actually I'd have been just as happy had we not got married (but hindsight is a wonderful thing). Conversely he has wanted children for a long time and wanted to start trying as soon as we got married, if not before... It took me longer to feel ready.

It can be difficult in a relationship to get your timings right and it may be that she makes the decision for you and says she can't wait any longer.

Think about what life without her would be like.

All relationships (and sex lives) go through ups and downs and can be worked at if you want to put the effort in. It's whether you want to be with her even if it means moving at her pace a bit more (and don't forget engagements can last a long time...) that you have to work out and only you can know.

carolpinkdreamer

I'm female and know where she's coming from but to be honest I DO think you are too young to be thinking marriage and kids. I'm sure the time will come when YOU start wanting those things too.

My honest advice to you would be don't tie yourself down so young. I'm sure your girlfriend is lovely but I can't understand why anyone would want marriage and kids so young.

Visiting friends with a toddler gives you a rosy impression of that situation, and it was a lovely time in my life and marriage, BUT it's hard work and restricts your freedom.

My advice to anyone (for what it's worth) is go out, enjoy yourself, travel, have fun while you are young and healthy.

The sparkle does go out of relationships after time, and a different stage develops. I think that is normal and not a sign of a bad relationship. Maybe your girlfriend IS the one for you, perhaps if you could reassure her by telling her what you'd like for the present and your hopes for the future, she would be willing to wait for those things too.

For example, you love her, you're happy to stay together but you'd like both of you to enjoy yourselves now, live more, and perhaps think about marriage in 5 years time and children in about 8. Life prob won't work out to that time scale, but at least if you are honest about what you really want, it is a starting point.

It's for you both to decide then whether to reach a compromise that suits you both or to walk away.

That's what I would do, but only you know really what it is you want from life. Don't agree to marriage and kids to keep her happy though.

Hope some of this may have helped. Good luck x

JennyW_2

from how you've described your relationship so far, then it's probably good that this opportunity to talk has arisen. You sound as if you're plodding along for the sake of it and personally think you are both too young to settle and start a family - perhaps in another 10 years

rchddap1

All depends on what you both really want and how much you care for each other. No-one can tell you what to do. Before tonight just have a serious think about where you want your life to go.

My partner really wanted kids, but knew I wanted to wait. Because he cared so much about me he decided to wait until I said I was ready. Now I have a screaming baby behind me who has a temper the size of the titanic....and determination to match it.

Scarlett1

hello jon :wave:

sounds like you want different things in life, I think though that if you were head over heels in love with your g/f you would want that commitment, looks like you are drifting apart and your g/f feels knows this so is trying to rush you to make your relationship more permanent. You havnt been treated very well in the past by her so deep down you know what kind of life you will have if you make the relationship more permanent, and if there is no spark now it definately wont appear within the next 50 years of marriage

I think if your g/f gives you an ultimation tonight then it will be the end of the relationship, although you will probably be upset about it, you will find it a relief in the longrun. I personally dont think that there is anything wrong with someone wanting to go out for a beer every other week, being in a relationship shouldnt carry a ball and chain with it, good luck for tonight and do what you think is best

jon_E_begood

Katmc2k wrote: »

hi

I don't know where you are based, but I used to work for Scottish Marriage Care a specialist relationship counselling organisation and I cannot recommend professional relationship counselling enough. The sister orgs are Marriage Care in E/W and ACCORD in N.I. Despite the name you don't have to be married to go, (or even in a relationship) they can usually see you within a few weeks and the counsellors are highly skilled with a professional diploma from university. There is no compulsory charge but each counselling session costs £30 to run, so whatever you can afford.

It can help to keep the relationship together, or if you decide its not going to work, it can help you cope with it ending. And its not 'tea and sympathy' but together you work out practical ways to move forward.

I don't work for them anymore so i'm not shamelessly peddling my own charity or anything! But I was SO impressed with their work and the results they had when I did work there that I would recommend them to anyone. They are a dedicated and hard working bunch and many many people from all backgrounds are helped if they are open to going. If you type their name into a search engine you will find them, for balance I should also say there is also Relate and Relate Scotland.

Good luck. x

I have suggested counselling before but she's the old fashioned type and refused as she doesnt believe in airing her dirty washing in public...:rolleyes:

jon_E_begood

Scarlett1 wrote: »

hello jon :wave:

sounds like you want different things in life, I think though that if you were head over heels in love with your g/f you would want that commitment, looks like you are drifting apart and your g/f feels knows this so is trying to rush you to make your relationship more permanent. You havnt been treated very well in the past by her so deep down you know what kind of life you will have if you make the relationship more permanent, and if there is no spark now it definately wont appear within the next 50 years of marriage

I think if your g/f gives you an ultimation tonight then it will be the end of the relationship, although you will probably be upset about it, you will find it a relief in the longrun. I personally dont think that there is anything wrong with someone wanting to go out for a beer every other week, being in a relationship shouldnt carry a ball and chain with it, good luck for tonight and do what you think is best

Thanks Scarlett I think you're right about the ultimatumn - she's done it before as you know.. Suppose i'll have to see what she says tonight...she usually puts it all onto me and says something like "you need to decide what you want and let me know what you are doing" ie: splitting and moving out or getting wed etc.... Bit like groundhog day because we've been here before but doesnt make it any less stressful or upsetting...

Katmc2k

hi

i'm all for doing what makes (both of!) you happy but I wouldn't say you are too young as I think once you are an adult, age shouldn't really be relevant. what i mean is you cant say ok now you're X years old you are ready for this stage but you're not ready for this stage. its up to the individuals involved.

waiting another ten years is great in theory but the possibility of easily having children after 35 goes down a lot and women's bodies know this! some women's biological clocks can kick in a lot earlier than others and its hard to ignore. i know it is becoming a lot more common for people to wait what with careers and so on to think about, but you can't blame her for feeling like she's getting older and needs to start "nesting"!

as the other posters said, it is hard when two people in a relationship feel ready for things at different times, hope you work it out for the best.