Think it could be over - dont know what to do...

Carmina_Piranha_3

what if she says she can wait 5 years for kids but she'd like to get married now? would that still panic you? do you really feel too young to settle down or is it that you don't really think you want to be with her forever?

i wouldn't say you are 'too young' exactly - some people do a fantastic job of parenting at a young age. but you are not 'too old' to be wanting the life of an 18 year old (although i'd argue that once a fortnight fits that description - i bet there are parents and grandparents on here who don't think going out once a fortnight is too much, or means you haven't grown up).

it's a shame that you are so far apart in terms of when you want to settle down but it doesn't mean either of you are in the wrong, or not growing up.

personally i can't see why a 26 year old would think about babies - but we're all different. where is she in her career? did she go to uni? has she backpacked? been on fabulous cruises? is there anything she would like to do before marriage and babies?

bunty109

All I would say is that if you are too young to settle down, then that's fine. But you have a lot of history with your GF and obviously care about her and she wants family and kids.......are you being fair on her keep letting this question arise when perhaps she isn't the right person for you? Would it be fairer on her to let her go and find someone who is prepared to make the commitment she wants?

She may not thank you for "giving up" on her now, but might in the
future. Similarly you might think about this and not be able to think about her with another man or you with another woman.....maybe that might be a way of understanding how you feel about her?

PS I had my first baby as I turned 26 and my OH was 29, but it was what we BOTH wanted, not one of us humouring the other.....surely that would be a recipe for trouble in the future?

jon_E_begood

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

what if she says she can wait 5 years for kids but she'd like to get married now? would that still panic you? do you really feel too young to settle down or is it that you don't really think you want to be with her forever?

i wouldn't say you are 'too young' exactly - some people do a fantastic job of parenting at a young age. but you are not 'too old' to be wanting the life of an 18 year old (although i'd argue that once a fortnight fits that description - i bet there are parents and grandparents on here who don't think going out once a fortnight is too much, or means you haven't grown up).

it's a shame that you are so far apart in terms of when you want to settle down but it doesn't mean either of you are in the wrong, or not growing up.

personally i can't see why a 26 year old would think about babies - but we're all different. where is she in her career? did she go to uni? has she backpacked? been on fabulous cruises? is there anything she would like to do before marriage and babies?[/QUOTE

She didnt go to uni, left school at 16 and got a job. She has an ok job which she doesnt mind but has no real ambition to be a career girl. I do get frustrated with her lack of ambition which i think is down to confidence as when she has gone for better jobs in the past she's got me to do her letter/cv as "she's no good with words". Ideally, and she's said as much, her ambition is to have children and go part time. She has been travelling for a few months - but only did it because i wanted to go and said she would never have gone had it not been for me. She's 27 soon so she thinks her biological clock is speeding up and says it gets harder to have kids the older you get so wants them sooner rather than later. So seperating out marriage and kids just isnt on the agenda for her.... Her focus is definiteley on marriage and kids with the only other interest being improving our house or getting a bigger, better one in the future... Hope that answers your questions...

LisaT186

I always thought I'd be married at 26 and having babies and 28 - I don't know why, I just did! Unfortunately I never found Mr Right to fit my timescales. At 29 I met my husband, a man who said he'd never get married, insisted on going out clubbing every Saturday without me and already had the one child he was ever going to have! At first I stayed because we were having fun and I wasn't one to cut my nose off to spite my face. After a while we had to talk, I thought I could cope without marriage, although being old fashioned I would have preferred it if when we had children we all had the same surname! In time we found actually we both wanted the same things but at different times. We made a plan and talked about it, set a timescale for a wedding, agreed what we would do between that and having children and how long that gap would be. It isn't all when I wanted it, we've been through the wedding (after 6 years - him 31 and me 35) and now we're on the 2 years between that and children. I still want them now, right this minute, but I know that all good things come to those that wait and my husband is worth waiting for.

I'm sorry all that sounds a little garbled, basically I could wait for him as long as I knew what I was waiting for. I couldn't have sacraficed children for ever. I hasten to add he doesn't go clubbing anymore ever (and not because I banned him, but because he no longer enjoys it!)

Sarahjovi

I had my children at 31 and 34, although I always felt, 26 would have been a great age to have children. However, I didn't want to have children until the right man came along! Im so glad I parted with my ex, and met my hubby. Its the difference between Hum Drum and a much happier existance. I go out at least once or twice a fortnight (so does hubby) and I have 2 children, theres no need to give up one for the other, that's what grandparents are for (to babysit!)

Sarah

Carmina_Piranha_3

i don't think it's just marriage and children you should be discussing - you have no children but going out once a fortnight is frowned upon? why?

she's probably a really nice girl and of course we don't know her so i don't want to sound critical but what's wrong with going out once a fortnight? do you go to gigs or festivals? what interests do you have and does she share them? my husband has a hobby that bores me rigid so he does it mostly on his own and although he does it less frequently now that we have a small baby (because he wants to spend time with the baby) it wouldn't be right for him to give it up purely because he married me.

you are two different people and there will always be things that one of you wants to do but the other doesn't - watching eastenders for example.

i think that if you can't agree over your social life now then having a baby would be disastrous.

is there something she could start doing, or people she could go out with without you? not having children makes it so much easier - you could both do something on your own on the same night - leaving the other 6 nights a week to spend together.

jon_E_begood

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

i don't think it's just marriage and children you should be discussing - you have no children but going out once a fortnight is frowned upon? why?

she's probably a really nice girl and of course we don't know her so i don't want to sound critical but what's wrong with going out once a fortnight? do you go to gigs or festivals? what interests do you have and does she share them? my husband has a hobby that bores me rigid so he does it mostly on his own and although he does it less frequently now that we have a small baby (because he wants to spend time with the baby) it wouldn't be right for him to give it up purely because he married me.

you are two different people and there will always be things that one of you wants to do but the other doesn't - watching eastenders for example.

i think that if you can't agree over your social life now then having a baby would be disastrous.

is there something she could start doing, or people she could go out with without you? not having children makes it so much easier - you could both do something on your own on the same night - leaving the other 6 nights a week to spend together.

I have interests and actually you hit the nail on the head with gigs and festivals.. I do go to one festival a year with friends without her as she tried it once and didnt like it at all. We both like going to concerts that dont involve camping and have done this quite a bit in the past. Her arguement is that I'm always arranging to go out or do things with friends and putting that first - i disagree as anything we do together is almost always arranged by me (we're going for a day out this weekend which i've arranged and is with friends but includes gf). The once a fortnight thing isnt set in stone and sometimes its more (but never without a fight) and sometimes less (which is never taken into account) but the thing is I always get a guilt trip and she tries to make me feel bad in front of others by saying things like "oh he was out with his friends again last night- you know they come first.." Think that answers most things but if you read my historical posts you'll get the gist....

i think we spend loads of time together, in fact sometimes i just long for MORE space and some time alone! Unless i go out we will spend 7 nights together and all day at the weekend. I look forward to nights when she's arranged to go see friends etc and i can relax on my own...

Paula_anne

Although me and my partner have kids, we had a bad patch about 3yrs ago (been together nearly 6yrs) i moved out cos i was unsure of my feelings, i lasted 3 days before i went home cos i knew he was the one, maybe you guys just need a break from each other.

findingmyownway

jon_E_begood wrote: »

Her arguement is that I'm always arranging to go out or do things with friends and putting that first - i disagree as anything we do together is almost always arranged by me (we're going for a day out this weekend which i've arranged and is with friends but includes gf). The once a fortnight thing isnt set in stone and sometimes its more (but never without a fight) and sometimes less (which is never taken into account) but the thing is I always get a guilt trip and she tries to make me feel bad in front of others by saying things like "oh he was out with his friends again last night- you know they come first.." Think that answers most things but if you read my historical posts you'll get the gist....

i think we spend loads of time together, in fact sometimes i just long for MORE space and some time alone! Unless i go out we will spend 7 nights together and all day at the weekend. I look forward to nights when she's arranged to go see friends etc and i can relax on my own...[/QUOTE]


This really doesn't sound like a strong foundation for marriage and children. Trust me, a possessive girlfriend is a walk in the park compared to a wife / mother of your children. And it sounds like you are already resenting the way she is. I think in the back of your mind YOU know its not right too. It sounds like you both want different things out of life and maybe it is time to go your separate ways....

Clive_Woody

Women like to make plans and draw up lists (check out some of the threads on this site), no doubt there are a couple of items on the 'To Do' list that are now showing up as past due. Men like to be more flexible, but this does not mean they don't know what they want. Your good lady needs to respect your point of view, if you aren't ready for marriage and kids then she should accept that if she really cares for you. It might be worth pointing out the reasons why you feel this, make it clear that you aren't delaying this because you aren't sure if she is the right one for you (assuming this is the case).

In most cases women assume the worst (I am going to hang for this post...) so no doubt your OH is assuming you won't commit because you want to play the field, or you don't want babies with her, but would happily do so at the drop of a hat with any other woman. The mind of a woman is a wonderful thing, but a great mystery!

You can't just bring a new life into this world because one of you thinks it's the right time but the other doesn't, it's not fair on the child. A baby is a big change (I should know our first is 8 months old), your life will never be the same again, going out every 2 weeks will seem like a distant memory.

It might be worth clarifying just how many sprogs your OH wants, she's got a good few fertile years left if she only wants one or two, but if she's going for a full rugby team then time really is getting on.