In Laws issue.

Sceptre

I immediately thought of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' - if anyones ever caught that show.

I would find this situation very difficult, even if the in-laws were the nicest people in the world.

Personally, I would always feel as if I were about to be raided. The fact that they moved soooo close to them speaks volumes.

Poor girl, I would be looking in estate agent windows as we speak.

duchy

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I'd be absolutely horrified if my or my DH's parents felt they had to text before coming over. They are all welcome at any time. They all knock at the door (they don't have to) and come straight in. They're family. Friends do the same.

If we're out they'll come back another time. Same if we're busy or on our way out.

Why on earth do family and friends need an appointment to visit?

BTW I lived in the same street as my in-laws for eight years - I loved it.

Which would be fine if YOU were married to the OP-but you're not !

Differant people have different ways of doing things-some people are happy for all comers at any time of day-some people like to keep to routines and know when visitors are coming. Neither is wrong but it's very disrespectful to ignore the fact that other people do things differently just because it isn't your way.

Air_Cooled_75

A few years ago I would've agreed with most of this. I got on really well with my MIL but wouldn't want to live in the same street and used to sometimes feel a bit 'suffocated'. She died in 2009 (suddenly) a few months before we found out we were having our baby. We live over an hour from any family and I'd give anything now to have her back with us. OP's wife might well be grateful when she has an active toddler on her hands but I agree she could do with a bit of space. The grandparents are probably just overjoyed to have the baby. As someone who doesn't have any family close by I treasure every moment my LO gets to spend with his grandparents, you never know what might happen.

minerva_windsong

Mupette wrote: »

I'm a woman and if my parents just lived around the corner i would love it.

I think that's the nail on the head - the mum's parents, not the in-laws. I don't have any kids myself but I know that my sisters would always, always go to my mum first if they had any worries or wanted any help about stuff to do with my nephews, especially when they were babies. Admittedly with one sister the other grandparents live in New Zealand so can't exactly pop round, but the others are roughly equidistant (my parents live in Lancashire, my sisters live in Warwickshire and my sister's in-laws live in Kent) and sis would go to my mum first pretty much every time. That's not to say she has anything against her in-laws - they see a fair amount of them and there are no bad feelings or anything like that - but it's the thing of wanting your mum, not your husband's, because whilst she might be perfectly nice she's not 'your' mum. I think that's a very common thing women have, particularly with big life events like new babies.

The fact she says it's a 'woman thing' is making me think it might be something like that - I can see why she might think it will sound completely irrational to you. It may be that the in-laws haven't said anything (as I said if my sisters asked for help my mum would pretty much drop everything to help out, but she wouldn't dream of telling them how to parent their kids unasked or show up unannounced) but your wife thinks that your parents are muscling in on time she wants the baby to spend with her parents. Or indeed time that she wants to spend by herself with the baby. Or it could be something entirely different. Either way, you need to talk to her about this and come to a solution, or otherwise it could well come to a 'it's us or them'-type choice.

Also, if you don't mind my asking, what were your parents like as parents? I just wonder if they're trying to overcompensate somehow - either because one or both of them worked and felt guilty for it and is now using your daughter to make up for it, or because one of them gave up work and their whole identity became about being a parent. You sometimes hear of women who become grandparents after being stay-at-home mothers and effectively live for the grandchildren (although I'm sure it happens to men as well), and that's not healthy for anyone involved. Have your parents got involved in local life since they moved? Is there anything they could do - church groups, the WI, fishing clubs, bowls, book groups, dance lessons, learning a new language etc - that would give them a bit of a wider interest? It may be that they've come to rely on your wife and daughter as their social interaction, and I wonder if making them aware of any other activities locally might help the situation...

KxMx

Not surprised to see several "all grandparents are saints and can do no wrong" posts.
One of my Grandmothers encouraged my Dad to take legal action against my mother, charges which were totally to do with her selfish motives and had they succeeded, we (brother&I) would have suffered immensly. The experience was very traumatic for all of us and her actions still have consequences 15 years later.

It was at her behest because as soon as Mum managed to talk to him, he admitted this and charges were immediately dropped.

little_miss_moneysaver_3

Sceptre wrote: »

I immediately thought of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' - if anyones ever caught that show.

:rotfl:That sums up the scenario perfectly!!

Nicki

I like my mother in law. I invited her to stay for the first two weeks after the birth of each of my children, rather than my own mother. We have a laugh and a chat whenever we meet up, and she occasionally looks after my children without me or my husband being present. No way on earth would I ever move into the same housing estate as her though, and if she bought a house near me, mine would be on the market the next day!

I am the kind of person who likes to tidy up before guests come round, and be fully dressed to greet them. When my kids are little, the house and garden are often neglected and I pull all the stops out to make them respectable again before anyone visits. I need my own space, and wouldn't like anyone walking past my house daily, noticing that my curtains weren't open early enough, my windows need washed, or I had left my washing on the line for two days in a row in the rain . I would annihilate my husband if he came home from work and spied on me through the window before coming into the house, much less his father doing so, because I don't want to live in a goldfish bowl.

With a new baby, OP's wife wants I am sure to set her own routines. She wants to be free to go to a music group with her baby, not get her dressed to go out and have MIL arrive for a visit just as she is going. She wants to be able to meet her own friends, and have friends and babies over to play without having the in laws drop by uninvited and inhibit things. When the baby is older, she doesn't want MIL to see her drop to the ground having a tantrum and have to deal with that under her nose. I suspect as baby gets older, she'd like to be able to go out in the evening with OP as often or as little as she likes without having to explain to MIL where she is going or justify how often she goes out.

The only way I could function in OP's wife's place would be to have boundaries, which were respected by the in laws. So either set times in the week when they would see the baby, arranged to fit in with her own plans, or to meet up by prearrangement only. Definitely no spot inspections of the house by MIL or Peeping Tom antics by FIL, and definitely not to give them a key to the house and know that they might be letting themselves in when you are out, or worse still when you are in!

Newly_retired

OP you really need to sort this now. Hopefully in a couple of years time your wife will be only too glad of local babysitters once she starts to get her life back, but for now, the baby is her priority and your parents have spoilt that by being so close and intrusive.

Personally I would love to live nearer my grandchildren, but not in the same street and especially not too near my DIL. We get on well provided it is by arrangement and not too often!
However almost everyone round here seems to live near their family and I do feel as a grandparent that I am missing out. But then I missed out as a mum and as a child when I lived miles from both lots of grandparents.
I hope in good time your OH will appreciate the value of grandparents - but now she is not ready for that . You are the one who can help her through this difficulty, by listening to her, by complying with her terms, by talking to your parents.

Battybird

Am I the only one feeling for the grandparents? (although I agree that they moved in a house too near.)

The op stated that his mum texts every few days and it is his dad tapping on the window. Maybe the gran is sat at home in floods of tears, desperately wanting to see her grandchild.

I think someone already typed, that grandad perhaps taps on the window instead of knocking or phoning in case he wakes the baby.

Could the op not put net curtains or blinds on the windows, which may make his wife feel that she has privacy to whoever drives past or knocks, and she could pretend to be out if she doesn't want visitors?

I am not a grandparent, but if I was, I'd be feeling so, so hurt. Please ask your wife to give them a chance.

Sambucus_Nigra

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

My wife was very apprehensive about this, my parents said they would respect our privacy etc. My parents looked at a few houses and finally purchased one in the same close we live in (just a few minutes walk away).

Battybird wrote: »

Am I the only one feeling for the grandparents?
I am not a grandparent, but if I was, I'd be feeling so, so hurt. Please ask your wife to give them a chance.

The wife made it clear from the start that she was uneasy about this and not only do they do and buy a house in the same close - but they rap on the window when passing? That would drive me crazy and p me right off.

OP - why was this a rant? What are you going to do as a result of it? You need to remind your parents about their agreement and tell them to give your wife some space. Alternatively, put your own house on the market.