In Laws issue.

Tyler_Du

This is more of rant than anything else, but here we go.

Bit of background first, my wife and I had been trying for a baby for over 5 years, last Nov we had a beautiful baby girl. At that time my parents lived in London (have done for 30 odd years). We live in the Midlands. A couple of years ago we moved to a semi rural area, my parents came to visit and really liked the area and said that they were thinking of moving away from London to be near us (and the baby of course).
My wife was very apprehensive about this, my parents said they would respect our privacy etc. My parents looked at a few houses and finally purchased one in the same close we live in (just a few minutes walk away). They go past our house whenever they go out ( to the shops or whatever).

The problem is that my wife is getting more and more annoyed with my parents (well my Mum really) being so close. My Mum texts us every couple of days, I'd like for them to see my daughter a few times a week, but my wife seems to almost want to cut them off from seeing her. For instance, last week I suggested to my wife that my parents could take our daughter out for a walk on the weekend as the weather had improved, this would give my parents time with the baby and give my wife and I some free time, this ideal was dismissed out of hand.
I'm tried discussing this situation with my wife, she just says that I won't ever understand it (I don't) as its a woman thing.

My Dad has a habit of popping up to see us and just tapping on the front windows (which freaks my wife out). We've asked him to not do this, but txt us if he's coming round.

I should add that my parents only other grandchild lives in Hong Kong. My parents are both retired (my Dad semi retired) and left family and a big circle of friends behind in London. I'm happy for then to see the baby mulitple times a week, however, I don't think that will happen, I'm worried if this doesn't get sorted, that my wife will make me choose between my parents and my child. I just don't understand her reluctance to let my parents see our baby more.

I want my wife to be happy and for my parents to be part of my babys life, is that too much to ask for ?

Penny-Pincher!!

I could of wrote this a few years back. I now don't have anything to do with my MIL or OH's family as they're a horrid family.

Boundaries need to be set and stuck too. Maybe your wife just wants to be a good mum and doesn't want others interfering or around all the time...quite simple really.

IMO multiple times a week is too much! Maybe once weekly?

Have you asked your wife why? Maybe her own childhood wasn't good etc etc.

PP
xx

tea_lover

Much as I get on with my in-laws I'd be livid if they moved to the same street as us tbh.

Mupette

your wife needs to tell you what this 'woman' thing is.
I'm a woman and if my parents just lived around the corner i would love it.

mummyroysof3

depends how often multiple times means..is it possible that she is feeling suffocated and pressured as they have given their lives up to be near your child when mum just wants to get on with life as a mum

not sure im saying what i mean right there lol

are you going to be reling on them for childcare for you both to work?

newcook

I think your wife is being a little selfish TBH! While I appreciate that she wants to show everyone that she is more than capable of coping, she also needs to realize that your parents need to have a relationship with your DD too.

I can however appreciate her feelings of people just dropping by uninvited! I always call/text friends and family before going over to see if they are in, if they mind me coming over etc.

McKneff

I'm a nana, to be honest we had the chance for a bungalow in the same close as my daughter and it is the one reason why we chose not to go for it.

Ask you wife if it was her mother living close wold she feel the same way.

I would be horrified if I was only allowed to see my grandchildren once a week especially as the other one is so far away.
A compromise really has to be struck because to be honest I think your wife is being paranoid and unreasonable.
She may be glad of their help before long.

fluffnutter

Your wife has become sensitised to a perceived lack of privacy to the point that even reasonable requests now annoy her. This is why she dismissed the idea that your parents take the baby out for a few hours. If she felt more relaxed about the whole situation, and more respected, she'd be more accommodating.

Problem is, it's now going to be difficult to calm those feelings down. You say your wife was apprehensive from the start. How was this resolved? Your parents moved anyway, indeed not only did they move to the area, they moved to the same (I assume small) close. If I were apprehensive, like your wife was, I'd have found this very dismissive of my feelings, even if I did have assurances that my privacy would be respected.

How was your wife's relationship with your parents before they moved? Was there always a bit of tension or is this just due to the close proximity? I think you and your wife need to examine the nature of the relationship generally and then decide what to do.

It's not too much to want your parents to be involved in your child's life; grandparents are so important and everything that can be done to encourage this special relationship should be. However, you can't do this at the expense of your wife's feelings. I really think the root of this is unresolved issues from around the time of the move. I don't think your wife was really convinced that her privacy would be respected, and every minor detail now adds fuel to her argument - to the point where she's going to appear unreasonable.

She needs to be respected and listened to. She needs to feel that her concerns weren't dismissed at the time and that her husband is on her side. Were they dismissed? Are you on her side?

findingmyownway

It seems all very well for you to be happy that your parents see the baby multiple times a week, but I am assuming (and please correct me if i'm wrong) that you work and your wife is at home? So it would actually be your wife taking the baby to see them and presumably socialising with them too?

No matter how friendly your in-laws are, there are limits to how much time you want to spend with them. I can sympathise with your wife really. Have you talked to her about what she means by 'its a girl thing'? It could mean anything from her wanting to spend more time with her friends and their babies, to your mum making snide comments behind your back about your wife's mothering skills.

Your dad turning up unannounced is totall out of order and really isnt helping matters. If your parents want to be part of your childs life then they need to back off, and wait for your wife to come back to them on her terms

CL

I would say every other day for a quick visit and them taking the baby to the park/for a walk would be fine. I would expect that they knock the door when calling and wait to be let in.

Maybe you should encourage your wife to leave the baby with your parents when she does the shopping or has lunch with her friends? Sell it as a break for her.

I'd be grateful to have someone to offer some free childcare now and again so OH and i could get out for dinner.

Maybe she wants to take control of them visiting unexpectedly? Ask her if she would prefer if you took the baby to your parents a couple of times a week and she could watch her favourite programme or have a bath.

findingmyownway

I agree with everything Fluffnutter says!