In Laws issue.

Mojisola

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

I'm tried discussing this situation with my wife, she just says that I won't ever understand it (I don't) as its a woman thing.

That just isn't good enough. There is a problem that affects you as a family and you (plural) won't be able to resolve it unless she explains it to you.

In the meantime, I think you need to ask your parents to back off a little and Dad definitely needs to stop tapping on the window!

Could you ask them to give you and your wife a month or two where you initiate any contact? Set it up in advance if that makes both sides more comfortable.

It could be that your wife feels under observation if your parents call round when it suits them and have a good look at the house every time they go in or out of the close.

It would be a great shame for all concerned if this can't be resolved. I really appreciated having my parents-in-law on hand to babysit so I could get some shopping done, go to the hairdressers or meet friends.

If she can feel she has some control over the situation, perhaps she'll start to see the benefits for her.

Caroline_a

I had the MIL from Hell. She liked to think of herself as a matriarch as she'd had 3 boys and had been widowed for about 10 years when I married her son. She tried to take over everything, as everything she did was right.

Have your parents been offering well-meaning advice? Sometimes to a new mum that can come across as criticism. My MIL from Hell would start sentences with 'You want to...' when actually, no, I didn't!

My grandchildren are 200 miles away and I go when my daughter and I decide it's a good time, not when just I do. I would have been horrified had my in-laws moved into the same street as me... it smacks of 'keeping an eye on' and almost stalking!

SavingPennies_2

Mupette wrote: »

I can't quote on my very soon to be hubby's parents as they are both dead, but when mil was alive, she was the type that wouldn't come over unless asked, again i would of loved them near me.

It's fine if you feel the need to make his and her in capital, just in case you know, i never read the op or anything.. less shouty plz

The capitals were meant for distinction not as shouting. My apologies.

lostinrates

I don't have a child but i dislike anyone calling unannounced and get VERY unsettled by people tapping on the windows, knocking or ringing any where other than my fornt door i feel is invasive. Afterall sometimes i jnow there is someone at the door and am choosing, for whatever reason, not to answer it.

If your baby was born only last novenmber its highly likely your wife could be, forexample, breast feeding when your father arrives, and might be having an intimate private time with the baby and feel 'invaded' if someone appears at the window. I have to admit, this would get my hackles up and make me feel defensive of my home and privacy. I can say this with absolutte certainly, as i have stopped one of MY family members with this rude and invasive habit and also asked my postman to stop doing it. In fact, with the post man, its enough to have made me want to get one of those post boxes at the gate so he no longer comes onto the property.

Its not a nice trait, to be so defensive, but it is an understanadable one i think, and it does push all reason out of the window for a moment and the feeling lingers for a while.


My very good friend's mil is often 'helping' her with the a baby and i can see it damaging her marriage a lot, even though she appreciated the mil role in her child's life the hudband does not help his wife enforce boundaries. Even though i am not a parent i can say without doubt it is not something i would tolerate, however loving the grandparents.

I agree, the way to move forward os to support your wife's boundaries and help her feel safe, sub conciously secure and safe, and absolutely agree the ground rules for your child yourselves, and expect them to be stuck to.

Mojisola

If she really can't explain herself to you then maybe it's because she would be saying things about your parents that might upset you or because it's to do with hard-to-explain feelings rather than more tangible things.

Does she have a close female friend who could listen to her worries and then explain them in a more objective way to you?

tea_lover

Whilst it may come across as your wife now being unreasonable, maybe she feels a blanket 'no' is the only way to get her point across as she's not been listened to in the past about the move. I would hate with a passion for anyone to turn up and knock on my windows - particularly if it had previously been promised that my privacy wouldn't be affected.

londonsurrey

Maybe she's given up explaining because your parents just don't listen, but if you could get her to talk as though it's to another woman, and post it here, maybe we can help unravel it.

Could you try explaining to your dad that that thing about tapping on the windows is really creepy, a bit like that series of sketches a comedian did, popping up between a couple in bed, etc, him beaming happily and saying "Only me!"?

You haven't given a lot of detail, but if you think hard about the "little" things your wife has complained about in the past, and post it here, I suspect that it will be very telling.

I totally understand about you wanting them to just get along, but if they're "nicely" and smilingly "only" doing this and that, no matter what she says, it boils down to they're simply doing what they want, and then wondering why she has a problem with them.

cutestkids

Firstly your wife is a new mother and her time with the baby will very important to her.

I would not want my Mother never mind in laws in the same close as me.
Perhaps your Mother has been offering advice which your wife does not want.

The whole thing with your father tapping on the window would drive me mad.

Look at things from your wife's point of view, she waited for a long time to get her little family and then her inlaws upsticks and plonk themselves a few doors down when all she probably wants is for you her and baby to all get to know one another.

If it was me I would be looking at moving myself

Seanymph

I didn't have anything to do with my inlaws when my littleys were little. Then circumstances changed and my MIL had my children every Saturday all day for a year or so prior to moving in with me (after her son had moved out!)...... and now I think she is the most wonderful woman on the planet.

But no one forced me.

I think 'having control' over things is so important when you have littleys.

I also think she should show you enough respect to communicate with you exactly what her problem is so that you can address it.

As an 'older mum' now I am staring down the barrel of grandparenting and I have to say in your parents shoes I'd be tremendously disappointed. I am desperate to get my hands on the grandchildren no one is planning to have for years!

Talk to your wife, get her to explain - and see if you can find some common ground.

It's VERY healthy for children to have many carers, and a large group of loving supportive family that they spend time with - that would be the line I'd take with your wife to reason with her in due course. But for now, you have to listen and get her to explain.

1886

I don't have children but am recently married so have inlaws. My gut reaction is that your parents moving into the same close as yourselves is a bit too close for comfort for your wife. It may be great for you, esp as they have`nt lived that close to you for a while but what about your wife, they're your parents not hers. I dont think you can truly know exactly how she feels.
I would feel that everytime I step out of the house I`m being watched. They`ve bought the house now so I guess you just need to find exactly what your wife is`nt happy with. As said above, she may well feel like she`s being suffocated by all the attention.
A couple I know recently had a baby. The wife`s parents have now bought a house in the same village as them, about a five minute walk away though. My friend said that no matter where they lived the grandparents would have moved to the same village, at least they have a few streets between them though