In Laws issue.

ellay864

I can totally understand why your wife feels her privacy is being invaded, especially as she'd already voiced concerns and it seems that they're being ignored. I'm wondering what other little things have happened in the past that on their own might be considered pretty inconsequential but cumulatively could be making your wife react more. My former in-laws were lovely...in small doses. I could never have coped with them every day as they'd make little comments about everything that may have seemed well meaning but came across to me as criticisms. From the fact my sons would have bare feet (oh the little mite will get blue toes...well the little mite pulled his own socks off!), to what they ate, what they weighed, what they wore, even how I changed the nappies. I gritted my teeth when we visited them every week or two but on a daily basis it would have driven me nuts.
Isd your wife otherwise OK in herself? It's not uncommong to develop post natal depression a few months in, and if she's feeling at all down or vulnerable she may well see your parents as more of a threat than a welcome help.
Or maybe she just wants to have time with her daughter on her own and feels she doesn't get that.

Tish_P

"It's a woman thing" is an excuse.

Ask her what she actually means, and give her plenty of time to phrase her answer - maybe even let her answer in writing? - as it might be something she hates about your parents but doesn't feel she can say in front of you. Or maybe your parents behave differently when you're not around, and she doesn't want to host them when you're not there. (An extreme example of this I heard of recently was a woman who found her FIL in her bedroom, standing by her laundry basket with his nose in her dirty knickers! Not that I'm at all suggesting anything of that magnitude is going on with you!)

Then ask her what kind of schedule she would find acceptable - how much notice she would need, how often she would find it helpful to have them babysit, what times of day she would like them to come, etc - and see if you can find a compromise everyone is happy with.

Acc72

It seems that there a a whole bunch of issues here.

OP - you do not mention your wife's parents.

What is/was her relationship like with them - do they live close by, do they visit etc. ?

How is your wife in all other respects, is she coping with your new child ? - does she see a health visitor ? (could it be possible that she may have PND ?).

Some of the replies make me sad to be honest - with very little knowledge of the full situation, just because a new grandparent pops by a couple of times a week and has been known to "tap on the window" they have been deriled by the majority of people posting replies !

lostinrates

Something else that might help would be if your wife ( and you) can 'book' one in law free weekend day and two or three weekday ones, so she knows there is time she is 'off' and shirt of an emergency will get that time. Later on if this diary system works you can add a granparents baby sitting night, so that you guys can get tme for a date alone still.

Mojisola

Acc72 wrote: »

Some of the replies make me sad to be honest - with very little knowledge of the full situation, just because a new grandparent pops by a couple of times a week and has been known to "tap on the window" they have been deriled by the majority of people posting replies !

I don't think people have commented on the grandparents because of a few small things they do - it's because what they are doing is upsetting the OP's wife. Whether that's rational or not, doesn't matter. The fact that what they're doing is upsetting her should be enough reason to back off a little until the issues can be sorted out.

Penny-Pincher!!

Thinking more about this....why should she have to justify herself as to whether she wants visitors...whomever they are?

Your wife is a new mother and needs time to adjust to such a big change in her life. Boundaries like I said before need to be set and everything needs to be on her terms. As the babies mother she needs to make decisions for herself and you or anyone else should respect that.

I don't think she's being unreasonable in her requests and personally think multiple weekly visits are too much for anyone visiting.

The above is just my personal opinion.

PP
xx

little_miss_moneysaver_3

I think the posts by Fluffnutter on page 1 and Paddy's mum on page 2 sum up what i was going to say.

Are your wife's parent's still alive or around? You haven't mentioned them.
I can see how your wife may be seen as mean or unreasonable but look at it from her point of view. She obviously voiced her concerns about your parents moving close, but not only that they move into the same street!! Was there no other houses in the town they could have moved to. Not only that they walk past daily on the way to the shops etc, but that also means they pass again on the way back!! So really were her concerns addressed? Nope as your dad will happily turn up on the doorstep unannounced - is that respecting her privacy?
I suspect the quiet, family life she has dreamt about for the last five years has now been shattered. She probably feels like either you don't listen or you do not really care about her feelings, and rather than explain she'd rather not waste the energy for you and/or your parents to do whatever you want anyway.

In answer to your question is it unreasonable for you to want your parents as a big part in your daughter's life - no it is not. However the way in which your wife probably feels it has been forced upon is. I hope the damage han't already been done as I guess neither you or your parents are about to move house so you are all stuck in the same street.

Maybe if your wife feels her views and wishes will be respected and acted upon she may elaborate more. She would probably be happy for your parent's to babysit, but feels by saying no to everything it is the only way she can keep some control over what is happening.

I hope for your little girl's sake you can sort this out.

one-non-blonde

lostinrates wrote: »

If your baby was born only last novenmber its highly likely your wife could be, forexample, breast feeding when your father arrives, and might be having an intimate private time with the baby and feel 'invaded' if someone appears at the window. I have to admit, this would get my hackles up and make me feel defensive of my home and privacy.

My in-laws used to live very close by and turn up unannounced (they had keys and would just let themselves in). One Saturday morning they appeared at the door while I was nursing my 3 month old daughter in the living-room, wearing nothing but a t-shirt. The front door was entirely glass and opened straight into the hall so I couldn't even nip up the stairs to get dressed without them getting an eyeful. I was utterly mortified.

After that my partner was made (by me - he didn't really see the issue) to ask them to call first before coming round but it went down like a lead balloon. We moved 20 miles away within the year as I couldn't handle having them so close, but I was thereafter regarded as the evil woman who took their son away from them.

So yeah, I can completely sympathise with the wife in this case.

Acc72

Mojisola wrote: »

what they are doing is upsetting the OP's wife. Whether that's rational or not, doesn't matter.

Of course it does !

Mojisola

Acc72 wrote: »

Of course it does !

No, it doesn't. It's her home and her child - her feelings have to be given priority over the grandparents. There's every chance that this can be sorted out but not if the grandparents keep doing things that upset this new mother.

Telling her that her feelings don't count because they don't think she's being rational will not lead to a happy result!