In Laws issue.

gingin_2

Sorry - being nosey and noticed that in 2009 your parents bought a half share of your house. Is that the one you are currently in? Do you think they somehow feel they are "owed" something, or does that create any issues with your wife?

On the plus side, do you still own the other house? If you did, I know where I'd go!

Edit - got confused. I think parents own half of previous house that enabled you to buy this house. Questions still stand though.

pinkclouds

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

I want my wife to be happy and for my parents to be part of my babys life, is that too much to ask for ?

Your parents *are* part of your baby's life - they are some of your baby's grandparents. Would you be delighted if your wife was out at work and you were at home entertaining your in-laws nearly every day??

It's your wife's first child and she probably can't bear to let her out of sight just now. (This feeling should ease off as baby becomes a toddler, unless the birth was particularly traumatic.) If there was anyone she'd like to live around the corner, it would be *her* mother not your's.

Ask your parents to back off (tapping on windows and peering in unprompted sounds incredibly invasive) and give your wife a bit of moral support. Do you really want to end up with your parents only seeing their grandchild during your limited access visits...?

Frankly, during the first year, what you mostly do is breastfeed (or prepare bottles) for hours on end, wipe bottoms, change nappies and watch baby sleep. It's not like your parents have been banned from your daughter's ballet recital or spelling bee.

I think the suggestion of your parents occasionally minding baby for an hour or so while mom goes to the shops might be a winner - if you give mom enough time to get used to the idea and let her proceed at her own pace. It could eventually become the norm and then your mother might start complaining about too much baby time! It takes a bit of time to build a close relationship, particularly a *forced* relationship, so mom needs to feel confident that baby can manage without her for an hour and that her in-laws respect her parenting methods and will comply with them e.g. if you're into attachment parenting then you're not going to willingly hand your child over to someone who believes in cry-it-out methods. It's your parents that need to win your wife over, not the other way round, because it's your wife's baby not your parents' baby.

Gently, gently does it. The next time your wife is harassed by not having 5 minutes to herself for a shower or the baby has colic and won't lie down or whatever, an off-the-cuff remark about how an extra pair of hands would be nice... Also, has she regained her pre-baby body? That affects how you feel too. After a few months, when your confidence is high and you start to wish you had more helping hands then you welcome a bit of help. Not immediately after you've gone through horrendous labour (even the easiest labours aren't exactly fun) and your body is wrecked and you just want to keep holding on to your baby (which you've been "holding" for 9 months away) because everything just sucks but your baby makes you feel all better and unjudged.

One final thought... have *your* in-laws said anything to your wife about your parents living around the corner? Maybe she's getting hassled by her mom about how her MIL is seeing the baby more often than she is. Perhaps you should invite your in-laws to visit on a regular basis. I'm sure you can stand them living with you for a few weeks of the year if your wife is putting up with your parents on a daily basis!!

nibs

I am really surprised about how many posters would be annoyed with FIL tapping on the window.
Wouldn't bother me at all (in fact, growing up I remember it was always a tap on the window if we had visitors in the evening)
Also, if I had just got baby off to sleep I would rather that than someone ring the doorbell.

pmlindyloo

I am totally on the side of your wife.

I suspect that she is feeling totally out of control of her own life - never knowing whether her in laws are going to visit at any time/torn between being polite/rude, offending you etc etc.

You are at work (I presume) and during the day your wife must live in a constant world of stress about whether they will appear on the doorstep/whether the house is clean enough for a visit/whether she has tea/milk/biscuits/the energy to 'entertain'/whether she just wants to slob out.

OK perhaps I am describing myself ( a born perfectionist!) and your wife isn't like that.

However, I still imagine that she feels that she has lost control of her world.

You are right to think that this could end in 'them/or me' type scenario.

You must ask your wife how this can be worked out. One day a week/invitation only - whatever.

Whether this seems reasonable to you or not, go with it. Once your wife gets back in control things will become more relaxed.

As with regards to your parents, you must think of an excuse for the changes - baby needs a routine/wife is joining this club/that club.

Whatever is decided then your parents must stick to it too. It sounds like their life revolves round you and their grandchild. This is not healthy for any of you. Find out about some clubs/activities for them.

To be honest, if I were in your wife's shoes I would be looking to move!

Good luck!

lostinrates

nibs wrote: »

I am really surprised about how many posters would be annoyed with FIL tapping on the window.
Wouldn't bother me at all (in fact, growing up I remember it was always a tap on the window if we had visitors in the evening)
Also, if I had just got baby off to sleep I would rather that than someone ring the doorbell.

If it were my in laws what i would prefer to either would be a phonecall asking if it were a good time, or when might be.....

paddy's_mum

Seriously? This whole tale reads like a pair of sheepdogs controlling, rounding up and driving a small group of nervous sheep - and you know what, you're the insensitive clot who is allowing it!

You and your parents have completely over-ridden your wife's viewpoint, reservations and anxieties and to top it all off, your father is tantamount to bl**dy stalking her! It would "freak" (your word, very revealing!) me out too but not only will you not listen, you're almost siding with him. He'd only ignore my request not to knock my windows once 'cos the next time he did it, I'd sock him one. You seem to forget that your house is your wife's home and she has every right to decide who, what, where and when.

Keep on, my friend and I can absolutely guarantee that it won't be long before you'll be talking to a divorce court judge. You seem to want to play happy families come hell or high water. Bluntly, it's not your wife who is being unreasonable. :eek:

pinkclouds

nibs wrote: »

I am really surprised about how many posters would be annoyed with FIL tapping on the window.
Wouldn't bother me at all (in fact, growing up I remember it was always a tap on the window if we had visitors in the evening)
Also, if I had just got baby off to sleep I would rather that than someone ring the doorbell.

Well, I wouldn't object to a tap on the window from my friend next door, at any time, but she's my pal not my MIL.

londonsurrey

nibs wrote: »

I am really surprised about how many posters would be annoyed with FIL tapping on the window.
Wouldn't bother me at all (in fact, growing up I remember it was always a tap on the window if we had visitors in the evening)
Also, if I had just got baby off to sleep I would rather that than someone ring the doorbell.

That's fair enough if it doesn't bother you.
The problem is that the FIL has actually been told, and still insists on doing it. That smacks of a lack of respect and boundaries, and points to them being really ready to dismiss a truckload of stuff in the past.

If you had a friend or family member who had a foible, even if you didn't understand it, e.g. they hated people knocking on their door, and had asked you to ring the doorbell, would you tell them not to be so stupid, and insist on knocking when you visited?

Some people do insist on doing this kind of thing, because it's "just their way", and "no harm is intended", and tell the other party "Oh, don't moan, it's just a little thing". Multiply this a hundred times, and the other party decides not to "moan" and simply ban them!

spicyprawn

I think the 'woman thing' may have something to do with all the emotion of trying to conceive for 5 years, finally your bubba comes along and now she just wants to relax and enjoy her.

lostinrates

pinkclouds wrote: »

Well, I wouldn't object to a tap on the window from my friend next door, at any time, but she's my pal not my MIL.

I would. I am not always dressed in the house, so people walking around tapping on windows can give them as well as me a shock.

Its rude.

A friend of mine often drops by (which i hate, but she is a friend and usually in need). She texts first and usually sends a text saying 'sos, ok?' and if i reply and say , door is un
Ocked, let ypurself in, i am getting in to some clothes so as not to scare your baby.