In Laws issue.

SqueekyMouse

Surly the most important thing in your world are be your wife and baby, they are your primary concern. You've gone from being a couple to having your own family and other relationships with parents etc will have to adjust accordingly.

I truly believe that if your wife is unhappy with the your parents then your role is to understand her, support her and to be on her side. She feels like this for a valid reason, which needs to be addressed - you should not be "ranting" about it

Your wife sounds like she's been backed into a corner - she was "apprehensive" about your parents moving closer, and then they move to the same street :eek:. I would be fuming at my OH for not respecting my feelings and allowing that to happen. They said they would respect her privacy but clearly haven't. Now as a new mum she sounds like she has no control over your parents visiting at all, when presumably all she wants to do is bond with her much wanted baby, establish routine, establish a new social group for herself and your baby etc. So she's got to the point where she's pulling away from them as much as she can

I agree that "It's a woman thing, you wouldn't understand" is not good enough, you need to talk to each other in a calm way. You need to allow her discuss her feelings for you parents honestly without getting upset. This isn't easy at all especially as I doubt either of you will be getting sufficient sleep and it's all too easy to get frustrated because you're so tired you can't put what you want to say into words.

I understand that you want everything to be rosy and for everyone to get along, but that might not be possible. Perhaps you wife had issues with your parents before they moved to be close to you but hadn't said anything to you since you saw them infrequently, but now she's expected to chat to them a couple of times a week in your absence!

From personal experience as a new mum I totally empathise with your wife. I could have a good guess at what the "woman thing" is... My LO is 10months now and I still feel fiercely protective of her, I want control of how I bring her up and I sometimes take the "suggestions" from well meaning relatives as criticism. I worry that no one else (apart from my DH) will look after her as well as I can or will do things I disagree with (such as giving her chocolate!!!). Perhaps your wife feels some of this? I could only imagine such feeling would be heightened since you had trying for your baby for 5 years, she must feel very precious to your wife. As to the suggestion that your parents take the baby out for a walk to give your wife some free time - Does she even want free time? I don't! I want to be with my LO all the time. Do you know what she wants?

Maybe she worries her in laws are judging her both as a mother and also as a housewife? I would hate my in laws walking past my house daily - possibly commenting on the state of my garden etc or dropping by when the house was a mess.

I agree it would be lovely for your parents and child develop a close relationship but not at the expense of your wife's happiness.

In your situation, I would suggest you tell your parents to completely stop visiting your house and your wife can walk to theirs with the baby when she wants to see them. Give her the control back.

paddy's_mum

It's a long while since I last saw a thread with such a high percentage of agreement.

Poor OP - he must be wishing he'd kept quiet!

Tamsin_Temrin

Has the OP come back?

Anyone repeatedly tapping on windows after being told 'no' when Im trying to catch up sleep after night feeds would be knifed. Just sayin

Tamsin_Temrin

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It's a long while since I last saw a thread with such a high percentage of agreement.

Poor OP - he must be wishing he'd kept quiet!

No - are all just women doing women things, and we should just get a grip - right OP?

Acc72

Mojisola wrote: »

Telling her that her feelings don't count because they don't think she's being rational will not lead to a happy result!

Who suggested doing that ?

You are the one who brought "rationality" into it.

You said "Whether that's rational or not, doesn't matter" - I completely disagree.

If the OP's wife is not being rational then in my opinion this needs to be addressed.

FBaby

I would say that you need to sort this out very quickly as resentment is bound to crop up. In the end, it sounds like everyone intends to do well, but misunderstand each other. You need to have a serious conversation about your wife and really listen to her (the statement that she claims you wouldn't understand leads to thinking that maybe she has tried in the past but you haven't really listened), and then agree some paramaters, which you will have to relay to your parents which ever way you think is best so not to hurt their feelings. That is your role.

Like many hear, I hate people calling unannounced. I like to wear my pyjamas when I am at home, and I usually organised my time very specifically, so any disturbance can be really annoying. I've moved with my ex after his house was extended, and although it is now our house, something that he himself sometimes struggles to remember , his parents tend to systematically ignore. It is not that they are rude or disrespectful at all, it is just that they were in the habit of coming in as they wished (they have a key) because that is normal habit for them and he didn't have an issue with it at all, and habits are hard to break!

I have explained this to my partner and he does understand and gradually his parents are also getting used to the change. They normally only come in straight if they haven't had a response after they knock. They do sometimes come unannounced, but I am now comfortable telling them if I am in the middle of something and they will not get comfortable!

I can totally understand your wife. She probably still feels a bit awkward with your parents, so having them over is an effort of politeness which she probably can do without. As stated before, I think her refusal of them having the baby over the week-end is her showing her frustration.

Your parents need to respect that she enjoys her privacy and that although she likes them, she has a life of her own. Your child might be their only grand-child, but that's not your wife's fault.

Really, it is for you to sort as you are in between and only you can find ways to make everyone compromise to a level they are prepared to consider.

thistledome

FBaby wrote: »

You need to have a serious conversation about your wife and really listen to her (the statement that she claims you wouldn't understand leads to thinking that maybe she has tried in the past but you haven't really listened),

When OP's Wife finally reaches the end of her tether and either throws an enormous and hysterical tantrum or makes him make the choice he is dreading, I hope he doesn't have the cheek to say, "why didn't you say something before. I didn't realise...?" with that hurt puppy look on his face that they do so well.

HeatherintheHills

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

A couple of years ago we moved to a semi rural area, my parents came to visit and really liked the area and said that they were thinking of moving away from London to be near us (and the baby of course).
My wife was very apprehensive about this, my parents said they would respect our privacy etc. My parents looked at a few houses and finally purchased one in the same close we live in (just a few minutes walk away). They go past our house whenever they go out ( to the shops or whatever).

What were the apprehensions your wife expressed at the time the move was mooted? How did you react to them? Did you give them serious consideration?

What was her reaction to your parents finding a house so very close to yours? Who found the house, you or your parents?

Where are her parents and how often does she see them?

I read somewhere that you had bought her a 40th birthday pressy, to be blunt, your wife will have as much as she can cope with dealing with the baby right now. It also looks as if your parents decided to move as soon as they found out a baby was on the way, is that correct?

You really must stop your father tapping on the window, that is completely unacceptable behaviour, especially with a new mother. Can you not imagine how apprehensive that must make her feel, wondering if she will find herself peered in at if she catches 40 winks on the sofa or has had to let the room get in a mess while she concentrates on the little one, or simply isn't fully dressed? If necessary, get the message firmly across by putting a trellis or something up so that tapping on the window is a less easy option than knocking on the door.

Your wife has a very young child to care for. Your daughter needs her mother to feel comfortable and secure in her own home. She needs to be able to focus on such a young baby, not the housework, not your parents.

There will be time later to play happy families with your parents. For now, try to get your head around how much your wife has been through and ensure that your home is a secure and comfortable place for her to get used to motherhood. That is your real role at the moment.

It isn't your wife's fault that your parent's only other grandchild lives so far away and it is wrong of all of you to expect her to in some way compensate for this.

Tamsin_Temrin

Can I just say, the OP does come across as a bit patronising, but it may be his tone of type.

Its just - why isnt she thrilled to have people she was reluctant to have move near her be on her case - tapping at the window, walking back and forth in front of the house checking if the curtains are open, hassling hubby to encourage her to spend more time with people she doesnt seem to want to spend time with and never has.

OP - suggest you move. Get a bit of distance. wifey must feel like shes under surveillance. And less than a year in to being a mum, she may still be at the car crash stage of housekeeping. What other support does your wife have? And do your parents approve?

Personally, think the relationship between your wife and your mum is already stuffed, but good luck.

SqueekyMouse

Acc72 wrote: »

How is your wife in all other respects, is she coping with your new child ? - does she see a health visitor ? (could it be possible that she may have PND ?).

I have to say that if I were in the same situation as the OP's wife I would be insulted if my reaction was chalked up to PND. I think she has every reason for feeling like this without her mental health being called into question. By posing this question you diminish the importance of her concerns and arguments.

Please understand that I say this as someone who had antenatal depression and totally understand how devastating depression can be.

If however she was showing any symptoms of PND (which the OP hasn't mentioned) I'd encourage her to get to the GP sharpish!!!)