In Laws issue.

jackie_w

I would love my mother in law to take more of an interest I my kids and pop over to see me.

Living in the same street though that's something that I wouldn't like no matter how much I love her.

I think you need to sit down and speak to your wife and ask her how she is feeling and why. she is the mother of your child and needs to be respected and listened to.

I have 2 boys and would never ever think of moving intothe same street as them, and if I did have any grandchildren I would like to think I would get to look after them at least once every couple of weeks, but everyone is different and only you and your wife can sort/discuss this.

Bennifred

[QUOTE=thegirlintheattic;53119613............................ your parents have a right to see their grandchild.
.[/QUOTE]

Actually, they don't.

If I was your wife, OP, I'd be making plans to move - with or without you! It's a total invasion of privacy on your parents' part, and it seems to me that you have and are enabling them. Sounds as though your wife's apprehension was well-founded.

lostinrates

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Why on earth do family and friends need an appointment to visit?
.

In op's case because

• His wife wants it
• His wife might be napping, as she has a young child who might disturb sleep
• His wife might be feeding the child and want privacy
• She might have her own friends over

In more general case because

• You might be working at home
• You might be upto your eyes in your tax return/other business best not put aside til done
• You might be naked
• You and partner might be having a 'romantic moment' on the floor in the sitting room
• You might be waxing or dyeing eyelashes
• You might be preparing a surprise for the visitors that they then spoil

There is a pretty inexhaustable list of things that peoplpe might be doing which make them not want surprise visitors.

While its fine for people to establish 'rules' or customs that suit them, generally it could be pretty impolite to drop in, and can depend on people's level of openess as to how comfortable this leaves them feeling. It is fine in this case for op but NOT for his wife, so he can drop in on his parents perhaps...

suki1001

I too agree with the majority of the posters. In laws can be a nightmare, even if they're well meaning.

I had one friends whose mil would move her ornaments and although my in laws are great, because they are particularly house proud and I'm not, I feel so much pressure if they just call round on a whim. To be frank it's embarassing. I would be mortified if my in laws knocked on the window.

Of all the people I know, they're the ones I feel I have to impress the most, even though they are nice people, they have high standards and even though they don't say anything, I feel like my every move is being watched and judged. My mil says silly things like "when you move you must get rid of everything you don't want." Then she proceeds to offload any piece of tat she can find, which I off course politely accept and then somehow they end up in the charity.

Just as an aside, my mother was going to move next door to me. I was mortified, other people were mortified, I felt like it was a huge invasion on my life and a sort of announcement that when she got older I'd be the one to look after her. I'm not saying I don't want to look after her when she's older, but I just felt like it had been decided. Fortunately, she found a different house in the village, but I found it rather selfish she was deciding to invade my life that way.

I would find it very difficult if my in laws had done the same and as an aside, I would feel there also was a long term plan when they reached old age. As most of the caring to the elderly folk falls on the female, there is the potential, that she could be worried about this too. I would imagine she feels like she has been invaded and I can fully understand why. Of course it may seem that these perfectly normal parents who are generally nice people are just being the in laws and wanting to spend time with their grandchild and family, but to the op's wife, she certainly won't see it like that. It's not because she's got pnd, it's because it is an extra pressure in her life, that she probably doesn't need right now. Invasion of the in-laws!

Tish_P

Suki's point about the possibility of a caring burden falling on the OP's wife in future is a really good one. It's something she would reasonably feel both very nervous of and reluctant to discuss with the OP.

zcrat41

Wow, I'm amazed at some of the comments about this.

Yes, tapping on the window is too much, espcially if you've been asked to text or ring before you come over.

But wanting to see your grandchild a couple of times a week is totally acceptable in my eyes.

When you marry you don't just marry the man, you marry the family. (I suppose there could be exceptions to this e.g. if they were really really horrific.) They are all there to look after each other and chip in and I think it's a sad indictment of society today that it is seen as an intrusion of privacy rather than the beginning of a big support network.

But then I have great in laws!

HeatherintheHills

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

This is more of rant than anything else...

That is a worrying approach to such an important issue. You want to rant, not ask for advice on how to resolve the situation?

...I just don't understand her reluctance to let my parents see our baby more.

Then you must listen properly to what she has to say and not counter argue any issues she raises. Just listen.

I want my wife to be happy and for my parents to be part of my babys life, is that too much to ask for ?

At the moment it would appear that it is too much to ask. It would seem that, at least in the short term, you may have to choose between keeping your wife happy and letting your parents' expectations to be fulfilled.

Time to be honest with yourself and accept that you had the opportunity to prevent this situation but chose not to by not giving enough consideration to your wife's concerns. Now the pieces are yours to pick up.

Good luck.

GobbledyGook

I agree in some ways that when you marry the man you marry the family - however the OP's wife married a man whose parents didn't live near them.

Now she has a tiny baby and she has a FIL who taps on the window and in-laws living in the same street as her.

OP you say your wife was apprehensive about them moving - can you not see that your father tapping the window, even after he's been asked not to, is just showing that she was spot on to be apprehensive?

Good grandparents are worth their weight in gold. However Grandparents who have no respect for the baby's mother (as the window tapping is showing) are not. A baby needs happy parents way, way, way more than it needs grandparents. Speak to your wife about finding a compromise, but you must speak to your parents. They can't expect to just call round without warning and tap on windows when your wife (and it really doesn't matter what anyone else would be happy or okay with) has told you how uncomfortable it makes her.

Feeling so under pressure, ignored and stressed is not going to be doing your wife, and therefore your child, any good whatsoever. Your wife needs you to back her up now, otherwise your parents may end up ignoring her requests and opinions for ever.

lostinrates

zcrat41 wrote: »

Wow, I'm amazed at some of the comments about this.

Yes, tapping on the window is too much, espcially if you've been asked to text or ring before you come over.

But wanting to see your grandchild a couple of times a week is totally acceptable in my eyes.

When you marry you don't just marry the man, you marry the family. (I suppose there could be exceptions to this e.g. if they were really really horrific.) They are all there to look after each other and chip in and I think it's a sad indictment of society today that it is seen as an intrusion of privacy rather than the beginning of a big support network.

But then I have great in laws!

Why not both?

Dh has a great relation ship with my oarents, w lived with them for a while, and one is moving in with us soon. It works well and supportively because we have respectful and fairly uncrossable boundaries.

Its when these are transgressed, ime, that people feel defensive and pull down the shutters. We do schedule our time. For example, i am seeing my mithervon wednesday, she just called to arrange, and on staurday w are entertaining, so we ar not available for parents/ other friends to drop in while we serve lunch to invited guests.

GobbledyGook

Can I just add as well that I used to see my in laws most days and I didn't mind it, but tapping on the window or continuing to do something that I'd already felt strongly enough to bring up previously would have seriously got to me.

It would have made me feel like my opinion and feelings didn't count and that would have made every, single tiny thing that they did that I probably wouldn't have thought twice about (or just let go) would have become really big, annoying problems.

Sort the big issues and lots of the smaller ones may very well disappear.