In Laws issue.

EpsomOldie

If I were Tyler's wife, I'd be in bits. All those years with my husband waiting for and wanting a baby. She finally arrives and what should be the most joyous part of life as a little family comes crashing down. The scales fall from her eyes - she finds herself being sidelined and her husband playing happy families not with her but with his mum and dad!

Other posters have already mentioned the lack of regard and respect you and your parents have shown and continue to show for your wife. What the hell were they thinking of by moving to the same close /street? For God's sake did NO-ONE tell them that was weird? And you sat back and let it happen?

Suggest you
1 Grow a pair
2 Visit the nearest estate agent with Mrs and start talking about where else you'd like to live.
3 While you're waiting for the sale to go through, use the time to TELL your parents how things are going to be from now on. You are a first of all a husband and father, and secondly a son. You can still be a loving son but your priorities are (and should have been from marriage) wife and child/ren first, and everyone else second.

Hopefully this hasn't gone too far and your wife will give you a second chance. You and your wife need to take control and implement changes before your marriage dissolves and you end up seeing your daughter only at weekends or whatever else the divorce courts decide.

Sorry to be harsh Tyler, but you sound like you need a wake up call. You sound as though you think your wife and her attitude is the problem rather than your failure to manage your parents' (probably well-intentioned) over-enthusiasm.

EO

duchy

I notice the grandparent's only other grandchild live in Hong Kong so they are probably trying to over compensate and had this lovely fantasy of seeing this grandchild every day instead of once a year and they probably can't understand how come it isn't anything like they imagined either.

Did they maybe live very close to their own parents when you were small Tyler (or didn't and wished they did) . I understand that they just want to be a part of your baby's life -but you need to somehow get them to understand that this can't be at the expense of your wife.

Do they come round and expect to be "entertained" or do they offer to help? Are they so in love with the baby that your wife is ignored ? Do they make comments about the way she does things for the baby-how it was different in their day-that could feel like implied criticism (most grandparents are guilty of that one )

I agree you need to sort this out before both your marriage and your parent's relationship with the baby are damaged but you need to be putting your wife first not your parents.

lostinrates

I would really like to know how op feels about the responses and wherher he plans to take any of this advice on board and how he plans to move forward with his wife on this.

BugglyB

I would suggest to your wife that you go to some family counselling together with her, in order for her to be able to fully explain to you how she feels, in a situation where you can't just roll your eyes or huff off, and she has someone to help her work out what it is she means.

- Proves to your wife you are serious about her feelings
- You get a real explanation
- Hopefully come away with concrete suggestions and ideas.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Im sorry if this is repeating what others have said (I havent had time to read all 5 pages as I have my own 2 LO's to run after so am just dropping by quickly)

But you dont actually say whether your wife and inlaws got on prior to the baby being born or if something has happened to make your wife not want them around?

Maybe, after 5 years your wife wants the baby to herself (if that makes sense!)

But from your parents side of things - They havent lived near your for so long, they just want a relationship with you as they have missed out on so much

TBH i would love it if my in laws lived closer (They live 4 hours away) - However saying that, My mum is round constantly, every day, at least twice and shes starting to grate me now! But i know when i return to work her visits will be less and she will miss me and LO, and vice versa

Will your wife be returning to work? If so then these visits will only be temporary.

I dont understand why she refused some time away from the baby - has she left the baby for any time yet? with you or any one else?

I dont think you are asking too much - but i do think your wife needs to open up more.

Have you considered maybe she is "proving" she can cope, but is actually screaming inside?

heretolearn_2

I don't think he's coming back!

If you do OP, I can understand all your points of view, to some extent. Of course your parents want to see the baby, of course you want them to, of course she wants her privacy. Nothing you said suggests she won't let them see the baby, but how much and in what way is the problem between you all. How to find an agreement so you are all happy? I don't know, but you need to find one or this is going to explode and ruin all your lives.

On a couple of points, try thinking about these:
you say you want them to see the baby 'several' times a week. Several to me means 3 or 4 times, or more? To be honest, that is a lot. It's going to seriously restrict your wife's life and that isn't very fair. Just because she is at home, it doesn't mean she wants to spend that much time with your family. Are you planning on being there?

Dropping round/tapping on windows. Why can't they ring first? It's not so much 'making an appointment' as courtesy to check it's a convenient time to then pop round. As countless posters have pointed out, they might be tapping on the windows when she is in the bath, in the middle of a good book, playing with baby, about to go out, feeling tired, or a million other reasons a visitor is not welcome right that second. But might be welcome an hour later.

Is it always your parents going to your house? she might feel happier if she took the baby to them, then the time and day of the visit is under her control, and she can leave when she and/or baby have had enough. How long do your parents stay when they come? If they drop in for 30 minutes your wife might feel happier than if they come for 3 hours and stop her having her own life. Especially if that is happening 'several' times a week. I'd not be opening the door to them any more either.

Can one of their visits be in an evening when you are there as well so your wife isn't stuck with entertaining them herself all the time? They are YOUR parents, not hers, and no matter how fond she may really be of them (or not) it's not the same as seeing your own family or friends. There are limits to how much time you want to spend with them.

Put it this way, if your wife's parents decided to come round and visit you, on your own, for 12 hours a week, interrupting your schedule all the time and expecting you to entertain them, would you welcome it?

osian

Sorry, but I'd hate to be in your wife's position. I think no matter how much you love your family, there's a point where it all becomes too much. She must feel like a prisoner in her own home.

In your wife's position, I'd feel really annoyed with you to be honest. I'd feel like I wasn't listened to or respected. I'd suggest you try and talk to your wife and empathise with her. You seem to be putting your parents feelings above those of your wife.

fluffnutter

Battybird wrote: »

Maybe the gran is sat at home in floods of tears, desperately wanting to see her grandchild.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

But from your parents side of things - They havent lived near your for so long, they just want a relationship with you as they have missed out on so much

Makes the parents seem a little desperate and needy doesn't it? Why should gran be sat 'in floods of tears'? Why have the OP's parents 'missed out on so much'?

I've been really keen to stress the importance of grandparent/grandchild relationships but the OP's a grown-up now with responsibilities first and foremost to his wife and child, not his parents.

The nature of family relationships should change over time; he should become less dependent on mummy and daddy, and likewise, they should be able to enjoy their lives without living vicariously through their son, his wife and their child.

TBH, as harsh it it sounds, if gran were sat in floods of tears I'd feel, not sympathy, but frustration. A sobbing woman is hardly the ideal companion, particularly when you have a small baby and already feel rather manipulated. Similarly, what have his parents 'missed out on'? They brought him up, I assume to be a decent and caring person. They can now relax, sit back and watch him make a real success of his life and marriage.

Grandparents are important, very much so. But there's too much here that suggests that the relationship between the OP and his parents is a little bit too co-dependent for comfort.

Wickedkitten

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

This is more of rant than anything else, but here we go.

My parents came to visit and really liked the area and said that they were thinking of moving away from London to be near us (and the baby of course).

My wife was very apprehensive about this

My parents said they would respect our privacy etc

My parents looked at a few houses and finally purchased one in the same close we live in

They go past our house whenever they go out ( to the shops or whatever).

My wife is getting more and more annoyed with my parents (well my Mum really) being so close.

My Mum texts us every couple of days

I'm tried discussing this situation with my wife, she just says that I won't ever understand it (I don't) as its a woman thing.

My Dad has a habit of popping up to see us and just tapping on the front windows (which freaks my wife out). We've asked him to not do this, but txt us if he's coming round.

I'm happy for then to see the baby mulitple times a week

I'm worried if this doesn't get sorted, that my wife will make me choose between my parents and my child.

I just don't understand her reluctance to let my parents see our baby more.

I want my wife to be happy and for my parents to be part of my babys life, is that too much to ask for ?

I think you are right for being concerned about the effect that this is going to have on your marriage but more because you put her in this situation to begin with.

You said that she was apprehensive about this from the start, and it was said that they would respect your privacy however that has gone right out the window, they don't seem to be respecting your privacy much, and you are colluding with it.

The only way that this is going to end well where you don't have to choose between your wife and your parents is if you, because you are the one in the middle of this because they are your parents, take the lead and start respecting the boundaries that your wife is trying to put down.

Now I don't mean freezing your parents out completely because that would be making you choose, but maybe have two nights a week to start where they can come over and see the baby that way your wife will know ahead of time so they aren't just popping in, and don't feel the need to go rapping on the windows and all that. Perhaps then once your wife sees that you are respecting her wishes and not just siding with your parents, it might make her more receptive to adding more time.

LadyMorticia

We live in the same village as my in-laws but they want us to move to the same street as them - literally across the road.
There is no way in hell, and even my husband agrees.

I get on fantastically with my in-laws but the same road would just be too much.

Maybe your wife is feeling like, because it took you both so long to have a baby, that she just wants to enjoy being a mum without worrying that your parents are going to pop around unexpected and uninvited.

Or maybe she feels that your mum will criticise her parenting style.

Your parents moved into the same road despite her reservations and how she felt about it. Imagine how she must feel to not have her feelings taken into consideration.

Also, your dad tapping on the window would freak me out too and I really don't think it's respectful of him to carry on doing it when you have asked him not to!