In Laws issue.

geekgirl

This is a situation where I feel they are going to have to work out a schedule of when OP's partner can handle the parents visiting. It may mean no visiting during the day when the OP is at work so that he can 'deal' with his parents.

We are all different, I live a totally open life with an open door policy. I have all of my adult children living close by with their husbands and wives (my youngest has just come home after finishing University).

My mum lives a three minute walk away and my mother in law lives in the same street as us. All of my friends and family knock then walk in, if the door is locked then it means we are not home or not at home to visitors, simple as.

But just because that is how me and my partner live our lives it doesn't mean that is how others do, so if I am going to visit my daughter and family or my son and family then I usually text to see if they are at home to visitors and we are totally open to saying 'not now, I am busy or whatever, no problem. I see all of my grandchildren a few times a week. I have an excellent relationship with them and they are as happy at my house as they are at their own.

I think it is a case of not one person being right or wrong it is just the OP and his wife have different ideas and wants and needs. But I think she is wrong on the 'it's just a girl thing' it isn't just a girl thing, it is what she believes and should be listened to, as her voice is as important.

peachyprice

londonsurrey wrote: »

I did consider that. Unfortunately, my ex-MIL is the type who is thick skinned enough not to think that she's done anything to apologise for.

If I were lucky, she'd continue through to the kitchen, and then shout out, "Do you want a cup of tea?". If I were unlucky, she'd probably stand there, watching, and say "Oooh.... Do you want a cup of tea?". And THEN stand there, blatantly staring.

If she's anything like my MIL, she'd tell you were doing it all wrong

minimacka

I feel so sorry for the in laws, they moved nearer to you to be closer to their grandchild and you wont let them see her. I would be asking your wife why she doesnt want them around. Grandparents give the child so much they have the time to play, make things, teach them old games read to them. I am so glad that my mum spent time with my children and they loved going round to her house. My mum used to take my youngest to play bingo on the beach he loved it, it was special between him and his nana. Please talk to your wife and explain that granparents can give the child so much of there time. I understand that your child was much wanted by yourselves but a child needs extended family to grow.


x

fluffnutter

minimacka wrote: »

I feel so sorry for the in laws, they moved nearer to you to be closer to their grandchild and you wont let them see her. I would be asking your wife why she doesnt want them around. Grandparents give the child so much they have the time to play, make things, teach them old games read to them. I am so glad that my mum spent time with my children and they loved going round to her house. My mum used to take my youngest to play bingo on the beach he loved it, it was special between him and his nana. Please talk to your wife and explain that granparents can give the child so much of there time. I understand that your child was much wanted by yourselves but a child needs extended family to grow.


x

Have you read the thread? For a start the OP's not preventing his parents seeing his daughter (see above where I've highlighted), nor is anyone saying that the grandparents shouldn't see the grandchild.

I think you've missed the point a little... but, perhaps not... perhaps you're right; sod the wife's concerns, needs and feelings, she wants to make sure her six month old child isn't missing out on bingo on the beach.

Caroline_a

minimacka wrote: »

I feel so sorry for the in laws, they moved nearer to you to be closer to their grandchild and you wont let them see her. I would be asking your wife why she doesnt want them around. Grandparents give the child so much they have the time to play, make things, teach them old games read to them. I am so glad that my mum spent time with my children and they loved going round to her house. My mum used to take my youngest to play bingo on the beach he loved it, it was special between him and his nana. Please talk to your wife and explain that granparents can give the child so much of there time. I understand that your child was much wanted by yourselves but a child needs extended family to grow.

it's a whole different ball game to someone when it's your mother as opposed to 'his' mother. I am sure that there are many many women on here who can tell stories of their own horror MILs just as there are those who can tell stories of what wonderful MILs they have. My own horror arrived at my house unannounced 3 days after DD1 was born, at about 8.45 in the morning, walked straight into the house (DH had just left for work), went up to the mantlepiece, ran her finger along, looked at it and said 'you haven't dusted!'!!! DD1 was fed, washed, changed and asleep... me, still in dressing gown, unwashed, hair not brushed, not even had a coffee! She then proceeded to sit down and demand a cup of tea!

Now... my children were very fond of her as they grew up, and I was civil to her. my thoughts on her though...... well, you can imagine! However, we moved away (about 20 mins away) very shortly, so her impromptu visits were more difficult for her!

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the grandparents don't see the child, I think it's more that they should not expect to be calling in every 2 mins, and should wait until they are asked. That could be as simple as the wife ringing up and saying 'kettle's on', or a more formal 'please come to sunday lunch'. The way the OP described things to me would inho be very intrusive if I were a new SAH mum.

HeatherintheHills

minimacka wrote: »

I feel so sorry for the in laws, they moved nearer to you to be closer to their grandchild and you wont let them see her. I would be asking your wife why she doesnt want them around. Grandparents give the child so much they have the time to play, make things, teach them old games read to them. I am so glad that my mum spent time with my children and they loved going round to her house. My mum used to take my youngest to play bingo on the beach he loved it, it was special between him and his nana. Please talk to your wife and explain that granparents can give the child so much of there time. I understand that your child was much wanted by yourselves but a child needs extended family to grow.


x

But what works for one family doesn't work for all. In this instance it is a 6 month old baby and a first time, older mum, after 5 years of trying. She has a right to and needs space and peace and that right must be a priority right now, for the welfare of her child.

Her opinions appear to have already been brushed aside on the issue of her parents-in-law moving so very close to her home. She needs to be heard properly now if deeper strife is to be avoided.

Tamsin_Temrin

minimacka wrote: »

I feel so sorry for the in laws, they moved nearer to you to be closer to their grandchild and you wont let them see her. I would be asking your wife why she doesnt want them around. Grandparents give the child so much they have the time to play, make things, teach them old games read to them. I am so glad that my mum spent time with my children and they loved going round to her house. My mum used to take my youngest to play bingo on the beach he loved it, it was special between him and his nana. Please talk to your wife and explain that granparents can give the child so much of there time. I understand that your child was much wanted by yourselves but a child needs extended family to grow.
x

Every other weekend and once overnight in the week is the norm for divorced couples. If the wife doesnt feel she has a place that she is safe, I reckon the grandparents will be seeing the lo on that schedule.

fluffnutter

When does making room for grandparents in your child's life equate to always being available, never having any privacy, accepting people tapping on your window, living in the same small road as your inlaws despite feeling uncomfortable with this, being made to feel you're unreasonable by your OH and generally feeling like you're unsupported?

It's not all or nothing. Just because the OP's wife wants a bit of notice and to feel some control over her baby's care doesn't mean that she's cutting her parents-in-law out of her life. She may appear inflexible at the moment but I believe that's because she's never felt supported about this issue in the first place and not because she's an unreasonable person. When we feel we have no control, we become over-sensitive to the slightest suggestion and I think that's what's happened here.

Some of the comments seemed overly polarised, i.e. either the wife is right or the inlaws are right. Although personally I feel far more empathy with the wife, I still don't think that it's this black and white.

The problem is, because this has reached this unfortunate stage, rather formal measures are probably going to need to be put in place, e.g. the parents visit on *this* day for this long, they phone before coming round, they have the baby themselves for an hour every other Sunday etc.

Only if things are this controlled will the wife feel like she's gaining any control herself. But what a sad state to get in. Far better that everything was more relaxed, that the parents felt welcome, that the wife appreciated the support and looked forward to seeing her inlaws. If this had been sorted out at the start, things might well have been like this. For this, I can't help feel that the OP must take some blame and honestly examine how he dealt with things when the move was first mooted.

londonsurrey

The more the grandparents push, the less they will get.

I have two friends who have my house keys. They have no interest in nosing round my house, and would never dream of barging in without permission (to feed the cats, etc) or unless they thought I had collapsed on the floor and needed help. I am actually happy for them to help themselves as required, and one a named executor (they've refused to be a beneficiary) in my will, so I could in all fairness say that one day, all this could have been theirs :rotfl:

My ex-MIL on the other hand, is the type who would merrily prod in cupboards and the bedroom drawers. Is it a surprise to anyone that in the 19 years of our relationship, she was never given a key to my house?

lazer

fluffnutter wrote: »

Sorry, the lack of paragraphs gave me eye-bleed.

Sorry - It was typed with paragraphs but they didn't stay once i pressed submit.I even edited to put them in, but still no luck.Not sure what is wrong.