In Laws issue.

Newly_retired

I know my visits to my son and DIL's house are totally different from those to my daughter's, but of course I am MIL to her partner, so there's that apsect to consider too and I respect that.
It is such a shame that what should be a useful loving relationship has been spoilt by mishandling.
My grandchildren love my occasional visits and I adore them and would love to see more of them. But it has to be by arrangement. Unfortunately for my daughter I am so busy with a multiplicity of activities since I retired that it is not as often as she would like.

Maybe the OP could get his parents interested in some local activities - church, gardening club, voluntary work.... whatever appeals to them, so that they feel less need to depend on the OP and his wife and family for their social life.

fluffnutter

Newly_retired wrote: »

I know my visits to my son and DIL's house are totally different from those to my daughter's, but of course I am MIL to her partner, so there's that apsect to consider too and I respect that.
It is such a shame that what should be a useful loving relationship has been spoilt by mishandling.
My grandchildren love my occasional visits and I adore them and would love to see more of them. But it has to be by arrangement. Unfortunately for my daughter I am so busy with a multiplicity of activities since I retired that it is not as often as she would like.

Maybe the OP could get his parents interested in some local activities - church, gardening club, voluntary work.... whatever appeals to them, so that they feel less need to depend on the OP and his wife and family for their social life.

Totally agree.

There have been a few posts on here that suggest (a little snidely I thought) that the wife will soon change her tune once she's back at work and wants some childcare.

My parents are way too busy to look after my child all the time! They've got busier social lives than I have. I can't help but think the parents are being a little vicarious; of course they want to see their grandchild, but don't they have their own hobbies and commitments as well?

It must be very stifling feeling like your parents-in-law, or your own parents for that matter, are sat indoors all day looking morose, or perhaps even in tears as one poster suggested, waiting for you to pop round with their grandchild. What a guilt trip! Way too much pressure...

**Patty**

fluffnutter wrote: »

When does making room for grandparents in your child's life equate to always being available, never having any privacy, accepting people tapping on your window, living in the same small road as your inlaws despite feeling uncomfortable with this, being made to feel you're unreasonable by your OH and generally feeling like you're unsupported?

This.. In big fat bright red capital letters.

Fluff i could thank you a million times over for that post.:D

If the OP's wife ever does get to read this........Missus, you have my sympathy.:D

Penny-Pincher!!

londonsurrey wrote: »

The more the grandparents push, the less they will get.

I have two friends who have my house keys. They have no interest in nosing round my house, and would never dream of barging in without permission (to feed the cats, etc) or unless they thought I had collapsed on the floor and needed help. I am actually happy for them to help themselves as required, and one a named executor (they've refused to be a beneficiary) in my will, so I could in all fairness say that one day, all this could have been theirs :rotfl:

My ex-MIL on the other hand, is the type who would merrily prod in cupboards and the bedroom drawers. Is it a surprise to anyone that in the 19 years of our relationship, she was never given a key to my house?

Totally with you here:D

We have 2 friends that have keys and have their own code for our house alarm if needed BUT there is no way on earth that my MIL or my own mother would be given a key and we've been married nearly 20 years! Both of our friends are welcome to take what they want from the cupboards and trust them implicitly.

Ive known my MIL to go to a SIL's house many years ago and let herself in and change all the kitchen cupboards around....when SIL told me and she was upset, I said ...more fool her! The funny thing was that my MIL is well known for her lack of housekeeping and living in a hovel. She was just interfering as usual.

Fredula

As a new Mum, I've recently just gone through a faze where I didn't want anything to do with MIL. I don't know why. I think it was because of the amount of attention they were giving him or something - I think I was jealous and worried that she was going to take her away in a weird sort of way.

If your wife is very independent it could be that she's worried that she will have to do things on specific days, etc and be tied down.

Are you expecting your wife to take your LO over to see your parents? Perhaps it would be better if you took her? Perhaps that's whats annoying her, that you're expecting her to do it? I don't know if you are - just a suggestion though.

gettingthere1975

From the other perspective i had this with my own mum, had keys, popped in at 7am on a saturday wondering why i wasen't dressed, hello, new baby DOH

Your wife is trying to adjust to a new role, something that is not always easy to do, she needs your support, not judgement.

You need to get to the bottom of why she has these issues, personally the FIL knocking on windows is a huge NO, and support her. Her and your child are your future, your parents have been there all your life but unf will be gone 1 day, you need to resolve this for everyones benefit and quickly or lose your wife and potentially your child.

londonsurrey

Penny-Pincher!! wrote: »

Totally with you here:D

We have 2 friends that have keys and have their own code for our house alarm if needed BUT there is no way on earth that my MIL or my own mother would be given a key and we've been married nearly 20 years! Both of our friends are welcome to take what they want from the cupboards and trust them implicitly.

Ive known my MIL to go to a SIL's house many years ago and let herself in and change all the kitchen cupboards around....when SIL told me and she was upset, I said ...more fool her! The funny thing was that my MIL is well known for her lack of housekeeping and living in a hovel. She was just interfering as usual.

Thank you. You make me feel normal and sane. It's a breath of fresh air to get some understanding after the incessant "Oh but she's just a sweet little old lady. You're just being MEEEAN!

minimacka

fluffnutter wrote: »

Have you read the thread? For a start the OP's not preventing his parents seeing his daughter (see above where I've highlighted), nor is anyone saying that the grandparents shouldn't see the grandchild.

I think you've missed the point a little... but, perhaps not... perhaps you're right; sod the wife's concerns, needs and feelings, she wants to make sure her six month old child isn't missing out on bingo on the beach.

This is what the op wrote and it implys to me that his wife doesnt want his parents to see his daughter at all.

"I'd like for them to see my daughter a few times a week, but my wife seems to almost want to cut them off from seeing her"

I think you have missed my point a little, i was not implying for the grandparents to take this 6 month old child to the beach to play bingo it was more that it was a special thing that my youngest son did with his nana, and yes this is my mum but i also have a lovely MIL who also did special things with my children, all i wanted to say was for the Op wife to try to accept that it is a lovely thing to have the childs grandparent "wanting" to see their grandchild when in so many cases the grandparents couldnt give a !!!!!!. Yes grandparents can be a bit "oh i did it like this and i did it like that" but come on have you never given anyone your opinion, you dont have to take it, i certainly didnt take all the opinions of my mum or mil but i didnt slate them for what there opinion was.

And before i get slated again no i am not a grandparent but if i am lucky to be one then i will try to do the things that my grandma did with me, ie baking, crafting, story reading, and yes i probably will give my opinions to my future d.i.l. but i wont be dissapointed if she doesnt take up my opinion but i do hope she gives me the courtesy of listening to me. I was brought up by my grandparents and i had a wonderful childhood, they always had time for me.

I did also say that i can understand the wife took some time to have this child but my views are that it is a lovely experiance to have the love of grandparents.

minimacka

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I'd be absolutely horrified if my or my DH's parents felt they had to text before coming over. They are all welcome at any time. They all knock at the door (they don't have to) and come straight in. They're family. Friends do the same.

If we're out they'll come back another time. Same if we're busy or on our way out.

Why on earth do family and friends need an appointment to visit?

BTW I lived in the same street as my in-laws for eight years - I loved it.

I completely agree with you arbroath lass, we obviously are very lucky to have a family that we love. I live less than 5 minutes drive from every member of mine and dh family, we are always at each others house for some reason or another and we absolutely love it. There is nothing nicer than having all your family round, but that is just my opinion.

balletshoes

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'm sure she'll be happy to accept the free childcare when the time comes for her to return to work, despite how much she complains about them living close.

maybe not - having your in-laws (or your parents) as childcare while you work can bring its own set of difficulties!