In Laws issue.

anguk

I have mixed feelings about this situation and I can see it from both sides. I wouldn't like it if my inlaws or own parents moved into the same street and I would not be happy if the FIL just turned up unexpected and knocked on the window, especially after he had been asked not to do that.

But I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to want his parents to be active in the baby's life, after all the baby is his just as much as his wifes. The MIL only texts every few days, the OP just wants his parents to see the baby a couple of times a week, that's not unreasonable. However the wife seems to want to cut the grandparents out altogether and that is unreasonable.

I do agree that it may be different if it was the wife's parents but as I said the baby belongs to the OP too. I've seen so many families where the mother is very close to her parents and they are very active in the children's lives but the in-laws (father's parents) are kept at a distance. I see it with my nieces, they see their mother every day, they're very close and my SIL plays a big part in her grandchildren's life and their husbands just have to accept that. But their parents aren't as welcome and one niece dislikes her in-laws so much that she made her husband cut contact with them completely (me or them situation).

My MIL once told me a little saying and I think in many cases it's very true:

"A son is a son until he takes a wife
A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life".

londonsurrey

Did the wife actually want to cut the in-laws out of the baby's life? If she did, I missed that bit. What I read was about a new mother under seige from two people who wouldn't respect boundaries, even those spelt out to them.

Gillyx

My In-laws are perfectly nice people (the majority of the time) but I'd rather gouge my own eyes out than move into the same street as them.

My MIL is the type, who thinks because she's brought up 4 children, she knows it all and everything I do is wrong.

She also likes to drop by unannounced, or gives me a text 5 minutes before arriving at my door. I have a 15 week old baby and sometimes I'm not out my pj's by 2pm, the house can be a mess at times and like others I like the chance to get a bit organised before people are through my door.

Luckily we're moving to a flat 3 stories up, that is buzz in entry only, so if I'm not expecting anyone and haven't had a text, I'll not be answering the door.

Also I think once a week is enough, when I was growing up that was how often I saw my grandparents and we have a great relationship.

coolcait

londonsurrey wrote: »

Did the wife actually want to cut the in-laws out of the baby's life? If she did, I missed that bit. What I read was about a new mother under seige from two people who wouldn't respect boundaries, even those spelt out to them.

Quite - and being completely unsupported by a husband who didn't appear to grasp the concept of boundaries, respecting them, or the idea that they also applied to his parents.

I think the big giveaway on that point was the fact that he blithely told us that his wife had been apprehensive about having her in-laws move from London (away from their family and circle of friends, to the village where she and the OP live, in or near the Midlands, to be near the two of them and their new baby - the only grandchild of the family who lives in the UK. So no emotional pressure/blackmail there).

He, equally blithely, informed us that his parents had given assurances that they would respect OP/OP's wife's privacy etc.

He then gave us a long list of very clear examples of his parents' failures to respect his wife's privacy - and, by implication, a failure to respect her wishes.

So, how confident could she be that his parents would respect her wishes, in terms of her daughter's routine and care, if they 'had her for the day'? Not very, I'd imagine.

And, putting myself in her shoes, if I had seen my husband act like an ineffectual mummy's boy over the past few months ('parents want to move to the village - no, no, don't worry, it won't be anywhere near us, they'll respect our privacy'; 'parents are buying the house at the end of our close, will have to walk by our house every time they go to the shops - no, no, don't worry, they'll respect our privacy'; 'dad likes to pop over unannounced - he'll tap on the window to ensure that he respects our privacy... er...')

No way would I buy the line 'if parents take baby for the day, it will give us some time to ourselves...'!

Actually, I do feel a bit sorry for the MIL. She does appear to be trying to respect boundaries.

It's her !!! of a husband who appears to be crashing through them, with all the abandon of a man who can't see a boundary without feeling the need to demonstrate that it doesn't apply to him...

Her son doesn't appear to be helping much either.

Well, several pages of sitting on my hands, because others were saying what I thought, but more politely, have just gone for a burton!!! :rotfl:

londonsurrey

Lol@Cait.

I'm hoping that what will happen is that the husband can see that he's unwittingly fallen into a stereotype, and now that it's been pointed out, be man enough to stand up to his parents.

We spend decades being brainwashed by our parents, they tell us their view of what's normal, what's right, and the child in us trusts them obediently, even when they're in the wrong, and it's so hard to see what's so obvious to outsiders, a bit like people who look at members of a cult and wonder why on earth these people fell for it!

Rev

I haven't read the whole thread but I couldn't imagine my mum having to text or call to announce it before coming to my house. She's my mother. If I had my own house she'd be welcome whenever and for however long she wanted.

And I'd not even dream of telling my OH to get their dad or mum to txt before popping around.

We don't have an open house but family and friends are welcome whenever they want. I'd be more offended if they felt they had to ask or inform me. Jesus if you can't just run up at your mums/child's house hn you want, where can you go?

OP. I'd find out what this 'woman' thing is too. At the end of the day it's your daughter too, if you want your parents to be a bigger part of her life your OH should understand that and support it.

andygb

londonsurrey wrote: »

Did the wife actually want to cut the in-laws out of the baby's life? If she did, I missed that bit. What I read was about a new mother under seige from two people who wouldn't respect boundaries, even those spelt out to them.

This is how I see it, people who do not have an idea of "personal space", and probably see their son and his wife and particularly child as their property. I think it was a bad move, them buying a house in the same close, which is just too close for comfort, and I know that I would not have appreciated my parents doing the same thing when I got married.
There is no harm in people remaining friends, occasional visits from proud grandparents, but this just sounds way OTT, particularly the unannounced visits and tapping on windows.
The OP's wife has married him, not the inlaws, and she needs to have a bit of breathing space, a chance to chill out.

Mojisola

Rev wrote: »

I haven't read the whole thread but I couldn't imagine my mum having to text or call to announce it before coming to my house.

And I'd not even dream of telling my OH to get their dad or mum to txt before popping around.

In the case of normal relationships, I wouldn't either but, in the situation given, the OP's wife is feeling that her privacy is being invaded. Because of that, I can understand her wanting to set more formal boundaries than would be normal.

If the OP's parents can respect her feelings and give her some space, there's every chance that things will relax. Grandparents, parents and child will all benefit from good relations between them but the wife's feelings have to be respected.

arbroath_lass

coolcait wrote: »

Whoa! Lots of people have a family that they love, but have a different approach to visiting!

Of course they do but this thread was more than a little unbalanced with all the "totally unreasonable" comments. I was certainly just adding the POV that the OP's parents' behaviour IS perfectly normal in a lot of families. I think Minimacka was just doing the same.

We are not going to get any other "version" than we have already but the OP's parents' could have a completely different story. Please note I'm not saying the OP is lying.

minimacka

balletshoes wrote: »

yes, it is your opinion - however, whats the bold bit about? You don't have to live 5 minutes from all your family and be happy with a complete open-house to everyone and their dog to love your family and be loved by them.

The reason i said that i lived within 5 minutes of my family is because the op put that his parents live nearby. Do people not read what he put, people are assuming that they are always round his house when infact he just stated that his mum text him every couple of days and that sometimes his dad taps on the window when they are passing to go to the shops do you not think that maybe they want to find out if the op's wife wants something from the shops?. I think that there may be more issues other than the child here but i can only comment on what the op wrote about in this post. I dont go back to research older posts that the op may have had in the past.