In Laws issue.

fluffnutter

The wife's upset about the lack of notice, not because she's unreasonable, but because she's been let down generally by her husband's lack of boundaries and failure to support her.

If she'd felt more respected in the first place, I bet she'd be much more relaxed and would be able to enjoy both scheduled and the odd 'we were just passing' visits.

Instead she's dug her heels in (understandably so, IMO) because everything now feels like an invasion of her privacy. It's missing the point to decide she's unwilling to make room for her inlaws in her daughter's life; I expect she'd love to do this but on more even terms.

She's surrounded in the main by three people, all from the same family, all with the same agenda, and all hell bent on thinking she's selfish and unreasonable. How would that make you feel? Poor love.

fluffnutter

FatVonD wrote: »

Do you think that might just be the OP's wife trying to be polite though?

I think it's born of resignation, personally. She did express her views, she said she felt apprehensive when the move was suggested. She said she was concerned about her privacy. I've no idea why the OP is confused about why his wife is upset; it seems pretty clear to me.

Problem is, it didn't make any difference when she tried and now I think she's simply given up trying to get her husband to understand.

billa_champion

Dunroamin wrote: »

There's a difference between formality and good manners.

I definitely do not consider it bad manners if my mum (or parents in law) turn up unannounced. That’s just ridiculous.

Mojisola

billa_champion wrote: »

I definitely do not consider it bad manners if my mum (or parents in law) turn up unannounced. That’s just ridiculous.

If, for some reason, you'd asked them not to drop in unannounced and they still turned up, you may feel differently.

FatVonD

billa_champion wrote: »

I definitely do not consider it bad manners if my mum (or parents in law) turn up unannounced. That’s just ridiculous.

I would, in fact my inlaws too expect some advance notice if we will be calling. My FIL wasn't very happy about my parents turning up unannounced at their house one Sunday afternoon when MIL was taking a nap.

fluffnutter

billa_champion wrote: »

I definitely do not consider it bad manners if my mum (or parents in law) turn up unannounced. That’s just ridiculous.

But you're coming at it from your perspective. You've got to understand the background and how and why the wife got to this position in the first place.

I'm perfectly happy for my parents to drop in unannounced (and the MIL too although it's unlikely because she doesn't know where we live!). Both my parents and my MIL respect me, my boundaries, my need for an independent life. My husband supports me and we all have relaxed and supportive attitudes towards each other.

If, however, my husband didn't listen to me, encouraged his parents to make decisions that would clearly affect me without taking into account my feelings, if I had inlaws who didn't appear to have a life but wanted to live vicariously through mine instead, if I had three people regularly tell me, or imply, that I was unreasonable and selfish, who came on the internet to 'rant' about me... then it would be a very different situation altogether.

minimacka

FatVonD wrote: »

Do you think that might just be the OP's wife trying to be polite though?

I dont think its the time to be polite really, not wanting your inlaws to see your child really needs sorting out and reasons given dont you think? If you were the grandparents wanting desparately to see your new grandchild but not being able to would you not want to know why? and as the father of the child do you not think he deserves a justified answer?

londonsurrey

I bring up the example of that comedian again. He would pop up in various places, e.g. between the couple in bed (can anyone remember the situations he turned up at?), and beamingly declare "Only me!"

The reason why it was funny was that it's accepted that although he's not "evil", it was totally inappropriate, and him pushing himself in with people who found it hard to say "*** off". It wasn't that he wasn't welcome when he was being more considerate.

LuluBlue_2

Oh dear.
I suspect this has all been blown out of all proportion (not necessarily anybody's fault either).
I know when I had my son for about a year afterwards I was not really in my right mind. I love my mother in law but remember starting to get really annoyed every time she rang because it inevitably was always 5 minutes after the baby had gone to sleep. It probably wasn't but because I was so tired etc it grew in my mind so I was convinced that was the case. Similarly she would always turn up (and I'm only talking a couple of times a week, nothing remotely unreasonable) just when I'd sat down for a bit of lunch after rushing around all morning looking after baby and trying to keep on top of bits of housework. So then I felt I had to entertain her when really I wanted to stuff down my sandwich and go to sleep or veg in front of the telly! I know in reality she wouldn't expect me to entertain and would even happily watch him for a couple of hours while I slept - but you're not thinking like that at the time.
The in laws probably aren't being totally unreasonable (although I wouldn't be very happy about the tapping on the window, no matter how well meaning, nor feeling like they've got the binoculars trained on the house all day to see if I'm in or not!) but the wife needs a bit of slack at the moment. I'm sure in time it would all settle as she gets back to herself a bit. Hope it all works out.

minimacka

I think that the 2 different perspectives on here are the people who do not get on with there inlaws and the people who do get on with there inlaws.

If i didnt get on with my inlaws then maybe my opinion would differ from the one i have now, i cannot imagine how horrible it would be to have a m.i.l. from hell and to feel like you cant do anything right.