In Laws issue.

billa_champion

I live within 3 miles of both my mum (dad deceased) and my in-laws - and wouldn’t have it any other way. I love having them around. I'll turn up at either house unannounced and they are the same. It’s what family’s all about. I feel privileged and honoured that my mum and in-laws feel that they know us enough to not have to ring/text in a formal manner. Without them neither my wife nor I would be where we are and we feel blessed. I feel it’s a shame that society has gone down such a route that things are so formal between families. When people get old the things that matter are family/friends and feeling loved, appreciated and wanted. The thing about this situation is that the OP has clearly stated that his parents are not around all the time they text occasionally and the dad will sometimes tap on the window – big deal – get over it.

Dunroamin

billa_champion wrote: »

I live within 3 miles of both my mum (dad deceased) and my in-laws - and wouldn’t have it any other way. I love having them around. I'll turn up at either house unannounced and they are the same. It’s what family’s all about. I feel privileged and honoured that my mum and in-laws feel that they know us enough to not have to ring/text in a formal manner. Without them neither my wife nor I would be where we are and we feel blessed. I feel it’s a shame that society has gone down such a route that things are so formal between families. When people get old the things that matter are family/friends and feeling loved, appreciated and wanted. The thing about this situation is that the OP has clearly stated that his parents are not around all the time they text occasionally and the dad will sometimes tap on the window – big deal – get over it.

There's a difference between formality and good manners.

Nicki

What the recent posters are ignoring I think is that the open door let yourself in policy is only acceptable if both parties want it. If not, irrespective of what has been done in your family then it is a complete no no. I am close to and friendly with the local vicar and GP but would not in a million years drop by their home uninvited or knock on their window.

If the OP's wife was happy with an open door policy to everyone other than the in laws that might be different, but all the indications are that she is not. So no one has the right to force that on her whoever they are. It's just basic manners and respect.

FatVonD

anguk wrote: »

the OP just wants his parents to see the baby a couple of times a week, that's not unreasonable.

The OP states:

'I'd like for them to see my daughter a few times a week'

'I'm happy for then to see the baby mulitple times a week'

(Sorry, got called into a meeting mid post!)

He isn't asking for them to see them a couple of times a week, he'd like to see them a few times (four?) each week which many people would find excessive. The poor woman has struggled to conceive, she finally has her longed for baby when she's 40. She wants to build her own little family not be absorbed into their existing set up.

minimacka

Nicki wrote: »

What the recent posters are ignoring I think is that the open door let yourself in policy is only acceptable if both parties want it. If not, irrespective of what has been done in your family then it is a complete no no. I am close to and friendly with the local vicar and GP but would not in a million years drop by their home uninvited or knock on their window.

If the OP's wife was happy with an open door policy to everyone other than the in laws that might be different, but all the indications are that she is not. So no one has the right to force that on her whoever they are. It's just basic manners and respect.

I dont think that calling round to your sons house without an invite isnt having manners, and i doubt if anyone would just wander into the local vicar or gp's house without a invite its just not the same, is it really ?

I can appreciate that the op's wife feel uncomfortable with the f.i.l. just turning up but why is she so annoyed with the m.i.l.? The op stated that she just texts every couple of days and that she didnt turn up unannounced. I think its lovely that they wanted to have a walk with the baby at the weekend but the op's wife said no without given any reason other than its a woman thing? really ? does the son not have a say in any of this? I also feel for the op when he said that he thinks she will make him choose between the parents and his child!! what have they done that is so bad?

Mojisola

minimacka wrote: »

I can appreciate that the op's wife feel uncomfortable with the f.i.l. just turning up but why is she so annoyed with the m.i.l.? The op stated that she just texts every couple of days and that she didnt turn up unannounced. I think its lovely that they wanted to have a walk with the baby at the weekend but the op's wife said no without given any reason other than its a woman thing? really ? does the son not have a say in any of this?

Tyler_Durden_UK wrote: »

A couple of years ago we moved to a semi rural area, my parents came to visit and really liked the area and said that they were thinking of moving away from London to be near us (and the baby of course).

My wife was very apprehensive about this, my parents said they would respect our privacy etc. My parents looked at a few houses and finally purchased one in the same close we live in (just a few minutes walk away). They go past our house whenever they go out ( to the shops or whatever).

The problem is that my wife is getting more and more annoyed with my parents (well my Mum really) being so close.

My Dad has a habit of popping up to see us and just tapping on the front windows (which freaks my wife out). We've asked him to not do this, but txt us if he's coming round.

I should add that my parents only other grandchild lives in Hong Kong. My parents are both retired (my Dad semi retired) and left family and a big circle of friends behind in London.

I want my wife to be happy and for my parents to be part of my babys life, is that too much to ask for ?

You have to look at the history - wife apprehensive about PIL moving into the same village, promised that they would respect the new family's privacy and then moving in a few doors away.

They left all their friends and family in London to move to a new area where the only people they know are their son (who is at work all week) and their DIL and grandchild. It's quite understandable that they would focus a lot of attention on their DIL and grandchild - they must be so thrilled at being close and don't have a busy social life to occupy themselves.

This could be easily sorted out as long as everyone is willing to take the other people's feelings into account. The person most affected is the wife and she really needs to be given some space. Once she isn't feeling swamped, there's a good chance she will see the value of having grandparents nearby to help out.

The grandparents really need to show that they are making an effort to build their own life in the village and are not going to live through their son and his family.

Nicki

It is exactly the same! Minimacka. It is pushing yourself into someone's home against their wishes. The son is at work, so has no say in whether they can come into his wife's home uninvited when he is not there IMHO. If he wants to let them come and go uninvited when he is there and his wife is not, that is fine, and when both are there it is an issue to reach a compromise on.

If the wife has said she does not want them to come to the house uninvited when the son is not there, then they have no right to do so, simple as that, and to continue to do so is no different to walking into any other adults home without permission with whom they have a close relationship eg their vicar or GP.

If both parties do not agree on visiting protocol, then legally and morally the one that wants most boundaries has the final say. The FIL is legally trespassing when he comes onto the property and taps on the window when he has expressly been told not to, and if the MIL is facilitating this, then she can't really complain if the DIL doesn't want to have her pop round uninvited either.

Caroline_a

I know someone who had something similar happen to them. (I'd forgotten about this ). They moved from a very similar busy social life to a place around 100 miles away, but only a mile or two from their son and his SAH wife and only child. They left in a big blaze of glory, vowing that they would be back as often as possible.

What actually happened was that they aged very quickly, which meant they couldn't go back, driving that distance was impossible for them, and the train journey is a difficult and tedious one. They tried to hang their social lives around the son and his wife, but as they were initially very intrusive and persistent as they knew nobody else and made no effort to fit in, so they ended up alienating the wife in a big way. Now they see their grandchild far ess than they did before they moved, they have few friends as they are too infirm to make new ones, and never see their old friends.

Hopefully the OP's parents are young enough to build a social life, but the older you get, the more difficult it is.

minimacka

Nicki wrote: »

The FIL is legally trespassing when he comes onto the property.

I think this is a bit over the top

I do know where a lot of you are coming from i can see both sides of the argument but if the wife was to say to her husband these are the reasons... then maybe he can understand a bit more but just to say its a womens thing is a bit lame.

What really needs to happen is the op needs to sit down with his wife and explain that he would like his parents to see their grandchild at some point each week and sit down with his parents and say that his wife doesnt want them just calling round or tapping on the window and what ever other problems she has with the inlaws. To be in a situation where you have to choose between your parents and your child is not very nice when maybe a little give and take might help all parties out.

I just feel it sad that so many times grandparents dont want to bother with their grandchildren and how many posts are they on here about this, but in this instance the grandparents want to be a part of their grandchilds life but the d.i.l. doesnt seem to want this. So many people would love for their own parents to be like the op's parents but unfortunately we are all not the same, we will never have the same opinion as each other and nor would we want that it would make for a pretty boring world.

FatVonD

minimacka wrote: »

just to say its a womens thing is a bit lame.

Do you think that might just be the OP's wife trying to be polite though?